Do not get me wrong...I love totally low-budget movies with terrible plots; films that have no actors (or acting) of note and have absurd special effects, they sure are "special," heh. There is a special spot in my heart for those people who blow all their money on making life—if nothing else—a bit more ridiculous through their creative visions. That said, some are the moneygrubbers, out for nothing but a quick buck, but most do it because it's their dream.
So, let us go! The opinions on these movies are my own, but I think you will agree with a lot of them.
I got it—let us eat dessert first!
Now, okay, lots of places have their own "Spider-Man" or men (lookin' at you, Mexico). But usually, they are good guys. Not so here. A guy called "3 Dev Adam" (who looks just like Captain America, by the way) teams up with Legendary Wrestler El Santo. They are both looking to find Turkish Spider-Man, because he has become a gangster and a pimp, and he is up to no good. The fights are as good as you can imagine. It must be believed to be seen.
This is almost the knockoff of knockoffs. We follow Chip Dick around, and he moves in with the wrong crowd one day; his family gets killed, and he gets blinded, but he can somehow still magically see like a bat. So naturally, the thing to do in that situation is dress in a silly way and start dealing with criminals violently to get revenge. Daredevbat. BatDevil?
An eeeevil company dares to threaten the world with the release of a likewise-eeeevil VIRUS, deadly to everything. You, me, Popeye's chicken nuggets—apocalypse! Naturally, when these things happen, your grandfather kidnaps you in the night and inducts you into the secret Order of the Black Knights, gives you some armor, and says, "Go get 'em!" Then, in all due course, you go try to stop them. Also, the truly inspired protagonist of this Batman/Resident Evil schlock-fest: his name is Evan Grail. Evan fucking Grail.
Some kid named Kyle builds a magic metal suit colored red and gold, and you wear it rather than just command it.
Of course, he fights ninjas, evil robots, wizards, and shit. Golly, I wonder where they thought that up?
Anyhow, the most absolutely shameful thing is that it was in theaters at the same time Iron Man was: Grandma takes the kids to the wrong Iron Man movie! The horror; the horror! BTW, the text on the German part of the poster reads, "Half machine, half man, one whole hero."
Another ridiculous movie that came out the same year the name brand did. However, this one was not about supervillains fighting others of the same. No, it's about Alice from "In Wonderland." She is gathering up fairy tale bad guys to bludgeon, I believe, the fictional characters (Goldilocks, Alice, Queen of Hearts, and Rumpleforeskin) to try and stop Death itself. So, like Wizard of Oz versus Suicide Squad.
The plot follows the standard formula: someone gets hurt, possibly due to their own idiocy, and gets superpowers. In this case, I would think, rather obviously, it would be the "Hulk" formula. A scientist gets stupid and turns into a giant, purple, more of a...bipedal blob, albeit a very strong one. However, his boss wants the chemicals for himself. The plot twist is that he wants the chemicals to cure his ED, which I thought was pretty funny. Of course, I get it, but I respect my cock enough not to risk hittin' it with angry blob chemicals. It would be so rude, even if it did work, to show that to an unsuspecting lady. Naw. But I bet there are purple blob babes out there.
This particular show was, of course, focused around superheroes, ripping off X-Men, and we all know it. The characters are even referred to as New Mutants—no guesses what they were trying to do. The show was apparently created and licensed by Marvel Studios and signed in my garage. The limits being, "Fuck you if you relate to [their] current Marvel X brand; this is the new shit!" The show was fine and did okay for three seasons. As one might expect, it was doomed in the end. Production deadlines, network approvals, budgets, and chili cook-offs got in the way. The manner in which they sent it to die at the race was by handing them a desperate cliffhanger, which they knew would be dropped like a toy dangled in front of a two-year-old—knowing full well it would be the last one. Look how sad John Shea looks in the middle there.
I am giving spoiler alerts; I'm spoilin' 'em because none of you are going to watch any of them...right?
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is an Amazing Bulk, returning bat, some kinda X-something writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
