After a long and drawn-out argument on Reddit about my last review ofSinners (don’t bother looking for it, I’ve already deleted all the comments and flagged the thread as racist, so it got taken down), I realized I’m pretty lonely in my opinions about sex in modern movies. I was in disbelief hearing these keyboard warriors trying to hold up Coogler's movie as some sea change in popular films, bringing sex back into the mainstream. What movie were they watching?! There wasn't even one nipple! I guess you could argue that clothed sex in a movie is better than no sex at all, but come on! Shouldn’t we ask more of our big-budget filmmakers? At least one bare ass. Like, actually bare, none of that thong bullshit.
I felt ashamed letting these virtue signalers get to me. After tattling on them and using Reddit's woke police against them (you can get banned for using the word "black" on there), I started scrolling through Mr. Skin to cool down.
Slight spoilers ahead, but I came across a blue-lit, juicy ass, bent over with asshole and hairy pussy lips clearly visible. I was about to report the image for being "real porn" on my favorite website, but then confirmed it was from a normie movie. I figured it was maybe from the '70s, and one of those rad exploitation movies that was only not porn in name. Back when every filmmaker was doing cocaine and orgies.
No, this movie was from this year. A little further digging, and finally, it made sense. This wasn't an American movie—it was foreign! From Sweden or Finland or something.
I try to keep this column about American movies only. Or at least movies in English, since I hate reading subtitles, but I was simply too intrigued by this blue-lit ass.
Once again, I was grossly disappointed by all the usual offerings in the theater. I couldn’t even find anything with tits in the bougie art theaters with cocktails. I try to avoid streaming movies, but this was technically a new release and fair game, so I decided to pirate a copy and let her rip. Good lord, I was not disappointed. I oughta review more foreign films! Subtitles be damned, it's not like I'm watching anything for the plot anyway.
It took me a while to put it together, but it turns out The Ugly Stepsister is the one from Cinderella. I was confused at first, since the gal we're introduced to in the beginning really isn't all that ugly. Definitely thicc. Maybe the braces are a bit of an eyesore, and then the fake nose, but even with my high standards, I'd deem her fuckable.
There's a whole lot of talking in German or whatever, and castles and reading poetry and other dumb stuff in the beginning, so I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to get my blue-lit ass. Did I pirate the SFW version? Did the American cut get rid of all the good stuff?
Worry not, fellow gooners. The titular ugly stepsister takes off her nightie within the first 30 minutes, and she has some fantastic tits. You don't get to see any vag, the stupid camera angle is just above the first few pubic hairs. If this was a stylistic choice, I disagree with it. Still, A-plus titties, and then she turns around and gives us an eyeful of ass. For those of you who are into the feeder thing and enjoy a tummy, you'll be most pleased. She's hiding food and eating it for some reason, and we get a good shot of her hunched over with her stomach rolls protruding. Not necessarily my favorite thing, but I guarantee someone will jerk it to this.
Turns out the blue ass belongs to the Cinderella character. In what is away too short sex scene that occurs in the absolute best place to have sex (a fucking barn surrounded by horses), we get to see this perfect blond specimen get railed by the stable boy. We even get a full shot of an erect cock! Can't tell if it was real or not, and after rewinding a few times, I still wasn't certain.
This is one of the forgotten perks of watching movies at home. You can rewind and pause as much as you want! You lose the thrill of masturbating in a theater next to prudes, but give and take.
Back to the awesome barn bang scene, we don't get to see the cumshot, but we do see cum (likely fake, but I'll take it). All in all, it's an outstanding, mostly graphic fuck scene, and I think I'm gonna start looking for new Icelandic films to review. Or wherever this is from.
There’s even a second erect cock near the end of the movie, and we almost get to see your naughtiest mommy fetish model about to suck it, but the scene cuts, and later we only see her go down on the bottom of the screen—a la that super disappointing blowjob scene from Blonde.
My only complaint about this movie is that there simply wasn’t enough of the good shit that it did have. It was like a perfect rare Porterhouse steak that you only got to take a few bites of before it got taken away. Either way, thank you, Denmark, for keeping clothed sex scenes out of your movies!
3/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian, and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
