It’s October at the point you’ll be reading this. That is, unless the earth has finally said "I've had enough of your crap" and decided to start getting itself sucked into a blackhole for real. It's another month filled with insane and improbable scenarios you wouldn't have tried to dream as possible 10 years ago. Halloween is supposed to ring in the "spooky" season, but at this current point in time, it's no spookier than any other time of year. If anything, everything starts mellowing out because the weather is cooling down and the rain is weighing down all the craziness.
But spooky situations do happen, and now is as good a time as any to go over some of those situations you might find yourself in, and what you should do if you encounter them.* For added effect, picture these situations with you being in a costume of some sort, like a cow costume with udders or something, I don’t know.
(*Heavy emphasis on the fact that all of this is based on my own opinion, and that my brain thinks about these sorts of things on a daily basis, so do with that as you will.)
Someone is threatening you with some sort of scary-looking, sharp object and starts walking towards you…
First off, I take no chances with this sort of thing. If it's dark outside, all bets are off. If you are trying to scare your friend at that time of day, may the gods be with you, because the movie I play out in my head is not going to play out how you want it, at least if your friend is doing it right. If someone appears to threaten you with an object and comes towards you, run at them screaming and waving your arms all around, like a crazy person. Maybe yell something intimidating like "I peed my pants!" and keep running at them until you get close enough to kick them in the groin. I'm imagining that the "perpetrator" (friend...you, too, are a perpetrator if you started this situation) may be stunned at what's unfolding and also probably won't want your pee on them, no matter what they were after: money, something to stab, a friend to scare. No one wants a crazy person's pee on them all willy-nilly. So, we hope they run away from you if you don't get to the groin first. That's when you either call 911 or discover it's your "friend." In which case, you may have a tough choice to make.
You are being followed by someone who is keeping their distance…
Stop where you are, so long as you're in public and around people. If not, turn around and perform the first stunt we talked about above. Stop, notice the person who is following you, and then walk towards them. They'll feel somewhat awkward but probably still intrigued enough to follow you around. So, reverse the situation, and start following them around. Whispering something around them just so they can hear it, “My infection just cleared up, and I've got a bottle of Malört in the back of my van down the street, if you don’t mind dealing with my collection of spiders and hair.” Keep following them until they start walking speedily. When they get to a run, that's when you can quit. But not before continuing to send them off with an obvious, intent stare, and a friendly wave goodbye. So long, creep.
Your car is parked or at a stop light, and someone you don't know tries hopping inside…
The thing you need to realize first is that you should always have your doors locked. I keep all but my driver's door locked (in case my car ever goes into the water and I need a door to be unlocked). But if your doors are not locked because you feel this undeserved sense of safety wherever you are, immediately unbuckle and go for the eyeballs. I mean it, poke those suckers out. Whether it's with your fingers, a sharp object, or a cigarette, get those eyes, then bite some fingers off. You do not need to talk to this stranger who came into your car uninvited. You're trying to quickly incapacitate a person enough to kick them back out of your car and make them heavily regret their life decisions up to that point. If your car is parked and this happens, and you have a remote start car or push-button, the safest option would be to unbuckle, turn the car off, and get out of the car with your keys. But when that's not available, violence is always there, deep inside you.
If the person who hopped in your car had mistaken your car for their Uber, well, that’s on them for not being aware of their own damn surroundings. Can’t blame yourself for their stupidity.
Someone is in your house that shouldn’t be…
As much security as we have now with doorbell cams, special locks, and actual security systems, home invasions are still a thing. Sometimes they happen when you least expect, like at a party you're hosting. If someone you don't know and/or don’t want is in your home, get them out. It doesn’t need to be complicated or awkward. Just ask them to leave. And if they don’t, whip out the kitchen cutlery or frying pan. No one wants a confrontation with a frying pan.
If you're alone, and you know someone is in your house that you aren't expecting, but you can't see them, don't be one of the dumbasses from a horror movie and say, "Hello?" Just get out, and then set your house on fire. Or at least make it look like you're about to, with a gas can (you can get it for cheap from the gas hotdog store) and a long lighter. Fill the can with water (but remember it's filled with water. You'll regret trying to fill your car with water by accident.). Start going around your home (only works for homes and duplexes; apartments should use smoke bombs) and make the home invader think you’re a crazed lunatic who’s gonna set the whole place ablaze. Mumble things like, "Oh, you're gonna get it. Tony told me this day would come...well, here it is." You don't know a Tony, but if you mumble it loud enough, the intruder will definitely think you mean business when he sees the lighter. Make sure you watch your exits to confirm if the intruder has left. If he has (or even if he hasn't), you call 911 and very loudly say the situation that is occurring. I suppose 911 should be the first step, but sometimes rationality goes out the window, and all you think about is results, and you've watched enough crime shows to know it can sometimes take 30 minutes for responders to arrive on the scene, and by then…well, you know.
To sum it all up, these were just a few creepy scenarios you might find yourself in, along with some possible solutions for how to best get out of them. Again, these are all just my opinions on the matter, and I am by no means saying anything about being a self-defense expert. I’m definitely a "results matter most" kind of gal. So, it leaves me in a bit of a moral gray area with my tactics, at times. I'll justify any of these solutions to best suit the situation, so don't try me. And don’t try to scare your friend at night. They might have just read my article.
Hannah One Cup can be found listening to music in her parked car, with the doors locked and seatbelt undone, just in case. All of these situations are spoken from first-hand experience, unfortunately/fortunately, so she would also like to point out, from more first-hand experience, that at this time of year, a carved pumpkin could also be utilized as a deterrent in some manner. Let your imagination go crazy.
