WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Sorry, the above might be slight spoilers, but I just have to vent my frustration from the get-go on this woefully mistitled movie. Apologies for giving away the goods so early, but that is literally how enraged I am, after walking out of this falsely advertised snoozefest. I suppose I should start by explaining the obvious: why I even bothered writing this review in the first place. As you know, I've aborted some unforgivably skinless flicks before (see the Companion piece that unfortunately made it to layout, before I scrapped the copy). This time around, I felt it was important to get this out there and warn the public.
If you're anything like me, you were probably immediately enticed by the trailer to this movie that, for reasons that are beyond me, found its way onto my social media feed. The movie is called…The Threesome. The trailer literally shows what they can show of a dude and two gals getting excited about…a threesome. Then some other stuff happens in the trailer, but, like, come on! Clearly, this was going to be my first five-out-of-five eggplant review. On top of that, they even have a promo where if you buy two tickets to the movie, you get a free third one. This movie was going to be so hot, they were expecting actual threesomes to erupt in the theater. Naturally, I had no one interested in going with me, let alone a third, so I couldn't take advantage of this third-wheel freebie. I did, however, bring an extra bottle of lube. Expectations were high.
Spoilers Ahead!
Once again, and I can’t stress this enough:
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
Not only do you not get to see the titular threesome, you don't get to see…ANYTHING. This movie has zero nudity. None. Not one tit. Not one glance of pubic hair. Not one bare ass. Not even one thonged ass.
No “tasteful” silhouette of one of the actresses naked.
Not even one of those bullshit clothed sex scenes.
Not even an off-screen sex scene, where you hear the grunts and the moans, or any kind of audio stimulation.
Literallynothing.
The entire beginning of the movie builds up to this "threesome" we've been hearing so much about in the ads. As the tension builds, and you do get to see some making out, it cuts straight to the next morning! Sheets over the tits!
I was pissed, but I figured I'd keep watching, thinking maybe they'll do some flashbacks to the threesome, or something. The movie is, after all, called The Threesome, so you assume at some point we will be seeing a threesome on screen.
Instead, we get teased into seeing a shower sex scene. Once again, just as the tension builds and dude takes his shirt off, we jump right past the good stuff, and it's the next scene.
The third time, two characters indicated that they wanted to mash their genitals together, as soon as they moved on each other, cut to someone breaking on a pool table.
At this point, I wondered if I had time-traveled to the past. Was I having a nightmare? Did I die, and get astral projected into someone watching a movie in the fucking '50s? Did the fucking Hays Code get reinstated behind all our backs? What the fuck was going on?!
There’s not even a graphic cunt shot of the two gals who got knocked up when they were giving birth at the end. No such luck. Not even any shots of their preggo bellies with the distended belly button, if that's your thing. This movie is rated R. I'm going to write the MPAA a letter in red ink, demanding that this film be re-rated G, because at least future theater masturbators won't be fooled.
I can’t wait to see the Reddit cucks talk about how "sexual" this movie was, and how it was bringing sex into rom-coms. They'll probably argue that the characters talk about sex throughout the entire film, so in that sense, it's very sexual.
Uh, no, it's not. Haven't you dipshits ever heard the golden rule of storytelling?
SHOW. DON’T TELL.
Like, sure, there's a scene where one of the gals—the one with the bangs—talks about her and the other girl "co-sucking" the dude's dick. What are we supposed to do, just imagine Bangs McGee and Big Eyes both slobbering over central casting white guy’s cock? Don’t tell us about the double blowjob, show us! With the two actresses doing it! Or at least some real convincing body doubles.
If there was some deeper meaning or some kind of social commentary in making a movie about sex, depicting none of it, it was lost on me. Clearly, I am not the target audience for this film, and by extension, neither is anyone else.
0/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian, and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
