We are all familiar with the characters selected to sell us junk food. There are so many of them. I'm going to examine some of the interesting beings in fast food land, and hope to goodness that they do not try to find me and murder me. You stay away from my house, Ronald! This is a selection of popular fast food mascots, and some fun facts about them all. There are a lot of interesting details about how we got to where we are today, in terms of these entities that try to sell us fast food, the creations of marketing people who all sort of collectively said at one point, "Yes, this is the way to sell burgers."
Ranked in no particular order.
McDonald's
Also known as Mickey D's, McBullshit, or in Australia as "maccas"—not sure what that's about. However, the landscape they painted, in terms of their marketing characters, is immense. Ronald McDonald is, of course, one of the most well-known clowns in the universe. He was first played by Willard Scott, known best for being Bozo the Clown, and was snatched up to play Ronald by Mickey D's in the early '60s, but he only did so for two years. He was followed by a series of successors, and the one that our generation probably knows best is Squire Fridell, who was Ronald from 1985 to 1991, or Jack Doepke, who was Ronald from 1991 to 1999. The current Ronald is a fellow named Brad Lennon, and he's been the hamburger-selling clown since 2014.
Now, let's talk about fucking McDonaldland. This is a place where all reality is about fast food. We have characters like Birdie, Grimace, the Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, and the fucking fry kids. This is just background to paint McDonald's as a place where existence is hamburger-based, which I suppose it is, if you go there.
McPlayland was a series of playground features at McD's, and the overarching message was, "Okay, the kids can play around, while I can just sit here and wonder why I'm alive." In addition, Grimace used to be a four-armed creature who stole milkshakes, somewhat similar to the Hamburglar, but his character was later changed to have two arms, be a giant, retarded gumdrop, and not be an enemy to the good people of McDonaldland. Glad he hit his head, had two arms sawed off, and changed his criminal milkshake-theft behavior. It may or may not have made a difference that the milkshake machines are always broken.
Jack in the Box
Jack. He has a big white head and tries his best to sell fast food to stoned people. He does a fine job at it. His character is a little more interesting, though. Yes, he is a mascot, and yes, he will try to get you to patronize Jack in the Box. However, I do not ever recall another fast food mascot nonplussed at the question: "How do I know if I'm a lesbian?" Yes, this happened in a 1999 TV commercial. It is readily available to watch, should you think I am making this one up. Jack dodges the question and talks about hamburgers instead. I think that might be a firm strategy. "Your performance levels are down over the last quarter." "Er, but have you thought lately about hamburgers?" This could possibly work out in your favor.
KFC
The Colonel. Iconic mascot. Colonel Sanders basically says KFC, without saying KFC. You just see the Colonel and his bearded face, and you know there's chicken around here somewhere.
He was a real person, and not a creation of a marketing group. Harland Sanders, who lived from 1890 to 1980. Not a bad run. But he came up with those 11 herbs and spices used in KFC's fried chicken. He was also known to whip his cock out in public and slap people around with it. He's been dead for 45 years, but remains the brand ambassador and mascot. Also, he actually did briefly serve in the military in 1906, but was only at the rank of private during the occupation of Cuba. He later became what is known as a "Kentucky Colonel," which is a title granted to people who do a "great service" to the state of Kentucky. Apparently, that service was making good-ass chicken. Imagine getting a title for frying chicken. Well, he did, and is the only known real person who has won a government accolade for making chicken to date. Beat him out. Get them birds fryin', and perhaps, one day, you, too, can get a medal from the state of Kentucky.
Burger King
I am sorry, but the character of the Burger King creeps me the fuck out. I don't give a damn if you wake me up with a croissan'wich. If I see that face leering at me with my bleary eyes when I get up, buddy, your day is going to take a different direction than you imagined, sandwich or not. I wonder if they'd have had different results if they called the place Hamburger Monarch? Additionally, am I alone in that whenever I have occasion to eat a Whopper, I can taste it for like a freakin' week after I do so? What do they do to those things? It's like someone strapped a burger to a bench and started torturing it with a soldering iron.
Jollibee
This is an odd one. Jollibee is very popular throughout the Philippines, but also a favorite among Hawaiians and Californians. It’s a Filipino fast food chain, and their mascot is a weird giant bee that wears a red jacket and a chef's hat. This one is astoundingly both fun, but also looks like something which would hide in the trunk of your car and wait until you get home, then stab you in your sleep and eat all your snack foods. It's very popular, but stay away from that bee. That fool is not to be trusted.
Domino's Pizza
We all knew we'd get here—the Noid. One must avoid yonder Noid. A lovely claymation character from the late '80s and early '90s, he existed with one purpose in his life. Clad in a weird red bodysuit with rabbit-like ears, his intent was always to smash pizzas. An odd calling, but good work if you can get it. He aggressively tried to stop Domino's from delivering their pizzas to hungry customers, with various gadgets and gizmos to try and thwart them. He even got a video game called "Yo! Noid," which I've played and is actually pretty fun. It's a standard, side-scrolling platform, jumping game, but not as awful as one might think. The Noid has come and gone over the decades, but they bring him back now and then, most recently in 2021.
Those are the fast food mascots that I can think of. Chuck E. Cheese doesn't count because that rat fuck doesn't sell fast food, just bad food.
Take care, enjoy life, and don't let the Burger King sneak up on you.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a jolly bee, fried chicken enthusiast, enemy of Grimace, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
