This issue will come out in November, so who knows whether or not this magazine will still exist, and whether or not I'll be thrown in a thought-control prison for daring to like a J.D. Vance couchfucker meme.
If you are reading this, I’ll assume everything is okayish for now, but we both know that the peace is tenuous at best. Is the ICE facility on Macadam still open? Is Kristi Noem still there on the roof taking fucking selfies for some reason? Are National Guard troops picking up trash in Tom McCall Park? Is there a curfew? Are they going door to door, checking your phone to see if you have any anti-Trump memes on your camera roll?
Who fucking knows. Deadlines for these pieces are pretty early in the previous month, so God knows what the next three weeks will hold. I’m writing this at a time when a federal judge blocked the failed reality star's attempt to deploy federal troops. Our Governor has also directed the 200 members of the National Guard to demobilize.
But again, three weeks is a long time. Whatever the situation is, I'm sure you're wondering what the hell a sad little musician such as yourself can do to help. Unless you're a bootlicking psychopath, who is super stoked that people are being extrajudicially kidnapped because they look vaguely Hispanic. In which case, just stop reading this and continue hitting on the stripper. Try touching her! See what happens!
For those of you with a baseline level of empathy, I’m certain the above events are causing quite a bit of stress and uncertainty. Statistically speaking, you’re most likely white and straight, so you're in no direct danger (yet). However, I should hope that the actions of this absolute joke of a regime, which are affecting more vulnerable members of your community, are at least somewhat upsetting to you. If they're not, again, I'm sure the stripper actually likes you. Try touching her!
Portland is easy to make fun of. I get it. I think that TV show by Fred and Carrie made us all feel seen in a way that made us uncomfortable, but come on, everyone. Let's take a joke and embrace our cringe. Yes, we can be insufferable, but dangerous? A war zone? The spray-tanned, senile, dipshit who clearly just had a stroke is watching videos from five years ago, of like one city block of protests. Again, those protests were five years ago. There was some broken glass and some fires, yes, but life went on. I biked to work, through downtown, every day through those protests.
The morbidly obese golfer says Portland is like "World War II." I mean, technically, yes. Besides one naval base in Hawaii, American soil saw zero combat during World War II. We did have internment camps for folks of non-white descent, so maybe that’s what he’s referring to?
There’s no point trying to point-by-point refute these absurd claims made about this awesome (albeit silly) city. If you’re a musician, you are probably wondering, "What can I do with my skills as an orator, poet, and performer to help defend this city from a fascist invasion?” Everyone needs to do their part and whatnot. We did just organize a naked bike ride in response to this nonsense. You want to get up and help out, right? Well, here are some things your little musical project can do to fight the good fight.
Attend or Supply a Protest
Whoever has been telling you "protests don't do anything" is secretly a fed. Here's the thing...while it seems like gathering in the streets with signs doesn't appear to have any direct effect on stopping these inhumane actions from this administration, not protesting is basically telling these assholes that the people agree with their actions. We don't. It seems futile, but not doing it at all is much more dangerous, because then we're validating these atrocities. If you’re unable to attend a protest, you can still supply them. Go to Walmart and steal a case of water and some power bars. Drop it off and go back to work. Every little bit helps. Whatever you do, do not set up and start busking. That does not help.
Document
Social media is horrible and has led to a lot of awfulness in our society, but until we destroy it, we might as well use these tech oligarchs' hideous creations against the police state they're enabling and facilitating. The one thing I like about TikTok is that it gives direct access to shit happening on the ground. The convicted rapist is using videos from five years ago to justify an invasion. Combat the narrative by flooding the internet with videos of shit happening here right now. It's dudes in frog and chicken suits. It's naked bike rides. The only violence being done is from state agents to said guys in frog and chicken suits. Instead of posting about your band, go down to the ICE facility and post what is happening down there. Make yourself useful, singer-songwriter softboi.
Vote, Run for Office
I can't find the video, but there's an interview with Frank Zappa, where he's asked what the kids can do to stop all the bullshit happening in America during the Reagan Administration. His response was, “Vote, run for office.” At the end of the day, the right-wing takeover of the country was possible 'cause these evil fucks played the long game and worked themselves up into positions of power, while us good (but lazy) fucks just wanted to be cool and do art. Look where it's gotten us. And before you retort with some horseshit about voting not doing anything due to gerrymandering, and primaries being rigged, etc., etc., shut the hell up. Less than 50 percent of the voting age population ever turns up to the polls. Can you imagine the sea change that would occur if it were a hundred percent? We've never known, because it's never happened. I'll hang up my pen and resign in shame if it turns out more than half of the country actually wants this shit, but I seriously doubt that’s the case. It takes a lot of money to run a campaign, but you gotta start somewhere. Comptroller? Alderman? Something's in reach. Instead of using all that networking to get people to come to your shows, use it to get people to vote for you. Guarantee it'll do more good than donating all proceeds from an ill-attended show to a food bank. Sorry to burst your bubble.
