I don't want to make you think I'm one of those normie Andrew Tate fans, but…after this month's selection, and how I was introduced to it…I don't know, dear readers. I'm starting to think the matrix is real.
I’ll try my best to avoid spoilers in this preamble, but I think referencing the marketing of this film is fair game since it’s all out there already.
I realize that the based and wise tech wizards of the Bay Area use algorithms, AI, and all that fun stuff to curate social media advertisements. That’s not news. Since starting this column, I’ve been noticing the movies that I come across on Instagram, TikTok, and the others are all, well…they’re all clearly movies I’d be interested in. The kinds with titties and fucking and so on.
Now normally, I'd be grateful for this, since it makes choosing movies to review easier, but…this last pick…well. I don't know how else to say this, but I kinda feel like I was catfished.
Keep me honest here, but the marketing for this movie all seems to be screaming “NUDITY!” “FUCK SCENES!” “THIS MOVIE IS HORNY!” Like, to a degree that made even me roll my eyes.
There's even a social media ad that plays an abridged and blurred version of the opening scene (again, this is in an ad, so I don't think it's spoilers). It's clear we're seeing two naked people running, and the text is all like "That's just the beginning!" so, like…forgive me for thinking this would be the perfect movie to review. I definitely felt burned from last month’s film, so I went in cautiously.
Spoilers Ahead!
So I definitely got burned, but not as badly. There is some nudity in this film and some fuck scenes, but not nearly the amount that they were teasing in the marketing campaign. It wasn’t an absolute "fuck you," like The Threesome with its aggressive lack of fappable content. But…it wasn't anything special. I'd say there was an "acceptable amount" of titties and fucking that you’d expect from your average trashy slasher. It was on the pruder side of the spectrum, but still within the ballpark.
All that to say, this film was simply nothing special. I left the theater with balls still full, but I couldn’t quite figure out why.
You see, the beginning had the scene they were showing on Instagram (but it was unblurred, obviously). You get to see some ass and titties and a split second of a little, uncircumcised weiner. Not much in the bush area, but like…we started fairly strong.
And there's definitely a horny ramp-up. One attractive couple is going to a house in the middle of nowhere for a romantic getaway, and then—hey, another couple shows up. Oh golly gee whiz, what's gonna happen now? It seemed like porno-level writing.
Then there's just a whole bunch of talking about relationships, like therapy-speak bullshit.
I’ll let you know now to save your time: YOU DO NOT GET TO SEE EITHER OF THE LEAD GAL’S FULLY NUDE.
There are fuck scenes, but once again, those dumb, boring, pointless clothed fuck scenes. The first couple go at it fairly early on, but the low-rent Florence Pugh has her bra on, and the camera angle is so that you can't see ass or bush. The real Florence Pugh actually gets naked—what's this cheap knockoff's excuse?
The other couple also fucks, and they are more naked, but dude's hands are on her tits the whole time, and she's…wearing her panties?! I may or may not have had sex before, but I am fairly certain those need to be off to successfully fornicate. Please write the email below to prove me wrong, but I doubt you will.
Then you get some grainy, closed-circuit footage of some couples fucking with nudity, but again, it's black and white and grainy, and it appears to be the couple from earlier that we already saw.
At the end of the day—er movie, there is something, but there's not nearly as much as the marketing campaign led me to believe. The whole experience reminded me of going to a strip club. Just one big cock tease. It's like...these filmmakers know we want to see nudity and fucking. They know we want to see that magical five-eggplant movie. They infect our social media and our peripheries with ads that bait us into thinking they're finally making movies for horny connoisseurs like myself, and then, it's just…like a normal amount of nudity and fucking. Nothing special.
Between this, The Threesome, and Sinners, I'm seeing this really disturbing trend in movies, where it's like they know what we want, but they don't want to give it to us. My question is, why? What is the point? What am I missing? It just seems cruel. There have been full-on penetration scenes in mainstream movies since the ‘70s. It’s not illegal. It’s not boundary pushing. What’s going on? Someone tell me. Someone show me the way out of the matrix.
1/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian, and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
