How does someone sell a year to another person? How can we explain the events that occurred for roughly the last 330 days and still make it sellable? Was your previous year of life worth rehashing and remembering? Do you enjoy going through the photos you took or the saved events in your calendar? Do you remember the majority of them? Even after this, do you think you could sell your year to someone, and make them want to do a Freaky Friday with you, swapping bodies for that year? Have them saying, “Man, I wish I had been you this year!”
If your answer is yes, congrats. I'm happy that at least one of my readers out there did something fulfilling with their time. You deserve the champagne and kiss at midnight on New Year's. If your answer is "No...WTF?" then welcome, fam. May my year in review be something you can either live vicariously through or be happy you weren't there to be a part of. Do make note that these memories should absolutely feel slapped together like Elmer's Glue on a kindergartener's piece of "art," because they are all coming from my phone's photos, screenshots, and calendar events. I've also provided one highlight of that month, so we can compare to see whose month's highlight may have gone better. I'll let you decide.
January
World: Trump was inaugurated (again), and the Tesla guy did "the Hitler" on stage.
Me: Started dance class at Arthur Murray (say it with a pinky out and a “faaunncy” accent). My partner bought me lessons because he figured I needed to get out and learn how to talk to people outside of work and my small group of friends. I’m still dancing and pretty fine at tango, but I don’t go out of my way to talk to people or be friendly, so I’m not sure if it did what he thought it would or not.
February & March
These are, traditionally, pretty boring for me. But not for the…
World: United Airlines had to turn a flight from San Francisco to Chicago around because a passenger demanded to know "Where are the Mormons?!" and started a physical altercation. Snakes on a plane? No…just zealots.
Me: Created a foot site which I'm not really active on (yet). I'm afraid I might break the internet with my gorgeous feet and what they can do…I also ended up moving a friend and her 30-foot-long U-Haul into one person's garage and a small shed...so many couches and oak furniture. I didn't know anyone who wasn't at least 70 could own so many pieces of furniture and real wood. But in the end, it's another friend who meandered down from Seattle to live closer to me…so I feel like I'm on some sort of winning streak here against the North. Seattle friends, I love you…come live by me. You're all welcome in my home.
April
World: Pope Francis died, and we got another pope who's the same as all the others.
Me: I went to Emo Night and felt like a weird, misplaced parent who was making sure that she and her children (friends) didn't lose each other in the mosh pit when Hawthorne Heights started playing. Friends called me the next morning, telling me of the pain their back and neck were in, after giving themselves whiplash the night prior.
May
World: A robot marathon happened in Beijing, where humanoid robots ran alongside humans. Some humorous events ensued with this.
Me: Went far away and camped in a cabin in the woods with friends. We all enjoyed burgers, dogs being stupid, and putting bananas where they don’t belong when friends are sleeping. That sounds dirtier than it was. But they really hate bananas. Taught one of the dogs how to play poker. No demons
or evil books were involved, unfortunately.
June
World: A mailman was stalked and accosted by three wild turkeys on his route. As was the reporter who came after him.
Me: Went to the beach with dogs and have had a car full of sand ever since. I was also dragged to a Styx concert by my friend, who acts like they're 21 and a 55-year-old dad at the same time. This concert was on Father's Day, so it was filled with dads all over the place at this stupid venue in Ridgefield, Washington, where alcohol costs more than the ticket. I spent 63 dollars on two "mixed" drinks for my friend and me, as my mouth went agape, almost ready for a surprise gold bar to be shoved in by the dude handing me the drinks. No gold bar happened. Since prices weren’t listed, it’s my fault for forgetting how overpriced alcohol is at music venues and some states' insane alcohol taxes. But I pretty much paid 63 dollars for MD 20/20 in a reusable cup.
July
World: A bee tornado happened in Manhattan, and scientists recorded one of the shortest days in Earth's history due to the planet spinning slightly faster than usual. Time flies, just like bees.
Me: Did the “Haunted Shanghai Tunnel” tour, which is fun. I’d lived here my whole life and never done it…because I grew up just going in the tunnels for free, if a particular bartender wanted to scare you as a child. Also had great, interactive fun at this art immersion experience called Hopscotch.
August & September
World: The first of (I'm sure) many future crashes occurred between two flying cars on their way to an air show in China. I'm sure that's gonna set us back several more decades before we get to see our own flying cars, and have our own accidents (sigh).
Me: Went to a good friend's wedding in Seattle and loaded them with some really decent fungi, which I'm sure will be enjoyed. Probably not the most romantic or practical of gifts, but I know it's gonna be the most fun. Also, went to a Labubu "event" in a back alley I didn’t know existed on Hawthorne.
October & November
World: There was a global shortage of pumpkins, causing house parties to start busting out melons to carve. Finally, a use for cantaloupe. The worst of the melons.
Me: Bought a house and started living in it. It's pretty great. I can yell at the computer as loud as I want without my bitch of a downstairs neighbor shoving a broomstick at her ceiling. Also entered a couple of costume contests, where no one knew who we were, except for a dear friend… whose Oogie Boogie was known, because she announced who she was every few minutes.
And that's that, folks. So far, anyway. I'd say my year was decent and full of things I'll remember, which is a definite improvement from the year previous. However, globally speaking, I feel that each year that passes provides me with a very visceral fear and some light curiosity about how much more like Idiocracy we will get. They didn’t have flying cars in that movie, either, if you’ll recall. Anyways, Happy New Year, and let's continue hoping for alien intelligence to intervene in some way!
Hannah One Cup can be found feeding the crows in her new backyard in hopes of convincing them to take her by the arms and fly her far, far away, and without crashing. She's also on Facebook (barely), Instagram, and TikTok: @thursdaynight_depression.
