Now that the Sydney Sweeney blue jean advertisement (which was also my Halloween costume) has faded from the national discourse, it's safe to say that we've healed as a nation. The political divide is no more; the left and the right are dancing with each other in the streets, and everyone is happily sitting around the Thanksgiving dinner table discussing the latest Jimmy Kimmel monologue, and laughing among each other without name-calling or yelling.
However, even as we approach the event horizon of a unified nation, one thing still seems to divide the aisle. I am, of course, talking about PornHub.
For those on the left, PornHub exists on every single device within reach. Blue state residents can enjoy watching PornHub on the boring drive to work, on the sad walk home from their kid's sports game, or on the long, exciting drive home from the bar. But what about those who get up early on Sunday? Unfortunately, some folks are unable to watch PornHub on the drive to church because, according to Mashable, 21 red states have banned the website entirely.
Many would argue that bans on PornHub exist because of the content, but if the Grindr maps outside of Republican conventions teach us anything, it's that red hat conservatives love porn as much as their green-haired baristas. Even further, some on the left still see PornHub as objectifying, sexist, transphobic, racist, misogynist, anti-Palestine, tacky, dudebro-adjacent, and generally "problematic." PornHub needs to clean up its public image.
Just like a 2 Live Crew cassette tape, the content itself isn't the problem, but the packaging needs some work in order to be sold to the masses. Let us not forget that every grocery store in the country features porn, it just comes in the form of "romance novels." Sitting there above the impulse buys and breath mints, inconspicuous and often dusty, are pages upon pages of housewife smut that would make this publication look like Highlights. Porn is out there; it's just disguised as regular media.
So, I suggest a solution to the PornHub ban that comes directly from the golden days of bipartisan agreement: censorship.
Particularly, Pornhub can clean up in three areas: the splash page of porn categories that hits the viewer in the face like a hot load, the titles of PornHub videos, and the screen resolution (stick with me on this one).
Not only will this rebranding help PornHub reboot its red state presence, but the company can also extend a free-range, GMO-free olive branch to those on the left. To show how far up my ass the fence is shoved, I have included suggestions for both sides of the political spectrum, because when it comes to voting, I'm a centrist (felon).
Let's start with those offensive categories (of which, according to an old Maxim article, "Old/Young' sits atop the most-viewed list, while "Redhead" lurks at the bottom, like a soulless goblin who will die alone with her pet rats).
...presented in the following format:
Current Offensive Category = "Politically Correct Category"
Creampie = "Starting a Family"
Incest = "Southern Pride"
Gay = "Republican Convention"
Gay & Retarded = "Democrat Convention"
Poly = "Mormon"
Anal = "Mormon"
Edging = "Mormon"
Femme Lesbian = "LGBTQ+"
Latina = "Brunette"
Asian = "Chinese"
Teen = "MILF"
Interracial = "Babysitter"
Domination = "Uniform"
Uniform = "Cosplay"
Amateur = "Contractor" (can also go under "Interracial")
Babysitter = "Uniform Cosplay MILF Contractor Starting a Family"
Solo Male = "Idaho Redditor"
MILF = "Stunning"
BBW = "Brave"
Blonde = "Fascist"
Old/Young B/G = "What Do You Two Even Have in Common?"
Old/Young G/B = "Get It, Girl"
Furries = "Business Casual"
Trans = "Anime Girl"
Anime Girl = "Right-Wing Dog Whistle"
Femme Lesbian = "Right-Wing Dog Whistle"
Butch Lesbian = "404 Error"
Group Sex = "Local Bar Staff"
Group Sex = "Local Art Co-Op"
Group Sex = "Local Music Scene"
B/B/G Threesome = "Progressive Couple"
B/G/G Threesome = "Domination"
Amateur Solo = "Female-Owned Small Business"
Bondage = "Employee"
In addition to the categories on PornHub, some of these titles need to be brushed up, as to avoid offending their respective audiences. The original titles are 100% real (check for yourself) and were taken directly from the PornHub home screen located in my city's library, using a private browser window to avoid skewing heavily in favor of Lesbian Teen Blonde Threesome videos.
Offensive Title: "18-Year-Old Colombian Girl Needs Money & Gives Us Her Ass For a DP"
Non-Offensive Title: "Immigrant Adult Caught on Tape Stealing Benefits From American Citizens"
Offensive Title: "Busty Blonde Sky Bri Gets Wrecked by Monster Dick"
Non-Offensive Title: "Never Let Your Daughter Listen to Rap Music"
Offensive Title: "Amazon Worker Snuck Out to Give Me Some Pussy in Parking Lot! I Came in Her Pussy Ooops"
Non-Offensive Title: "Millennials Refuse to Work"
Offensive Title: "Veronica Leal Takes Massive Cock in Her Tight Ass & Squirts Like a Fountain"
Non-Offensive Title: "Exploring Salt Lake City"
Offensive Title: "Asian Step Mom Wants to Fuck"
Non-Offensive Title: "Biden's America Destroyed Families"
Offensive Title: "Lesbian Babes Enjoy Weekend by Licking & Fingering Each Other Full Scene"
Non-Offensive Title: "LGBTQ+IAA Individuals Demonstrate the Need for Living Wage & Time Off"
Offensive Title: "Cumshot/Creampie Compilation #2 - GimGyrl, Blowjob, Doggy"
Non-Offensive Title: "Check Out This Sick Mixtape"
Offensive Title: "I Don't Know Who She Is, but I'll Cum on Her Face"
Non-Offensive Title: "Lead Singer of Local Indie Band Describes Audience"
Offensive Title: "Perfect French Goth Girl Wants Anal"
Non-Offensive Title: "The Coffin Club"
Offensive Title: "My Girlfriend With a Perfect Ass Loves to Fuck on Camera"
Non-Offensive Title: "Beauty Standards Are Socially Constructed and Often Eurocentric, but in My Personal Opinion, My Partner Has a Perfect Ass and Loves to Fuck on Camera"
Even on network television, it's technically legal to show porn...but it has to be censored, so they do this by reducing the pixel count. A single pixel of underage cartel ransomware revenge porn is indistinguishable from a single pixel of SpongeBob SquarePants. By "censored," most stations will just "pixelate" video, which turns a nice 720 pixels-per-inch nipple into a 12 pixels-per-inch checkerboard. Even on a current screen, supposedly "high resolution" internet porn from dial-up days is too pixelated to enjoy. It's also extremely frugal for internet service providers to dish out low-resolution video, and it can save local governments a ton of money on data costs.
Here's how pixelation throttles would work to make PornHub video resolution appropriate for their respective audiences.
For the right-wing viewer, PornHub would pixelate upon detecting the closest member of law enforcement, extended family, immediate family (in most states), clergy, other drivers on the road, drive-through employees, pets, neighbors, and politicians (this would cost extra). If a person in one of these categories is detected nearby, PornHub can throttle all videos down to 72 dpi resolution and remove video interlacing and audio, effectively turning a pornographic video into something resembling the pop-up ads old people get on Facebook, after trying to play one of those virus-laden mobile games where half-naked barbarian women swing swords at crystals.
For the lefties, a spreadsheet containing oppressive hierarchies would be fed to the PornHub algorithm, allowing videos to reduce pixel count the closer they get to the bottom of the progressive stack. For example, any video containing three or more gender-nonconforming Indian individuals engaged in anal or oral sex would be in crisp HD, but amateur porn featuring a white virgin couple engaging in missionary creampie activities would be nearly impossible to view on a screen larger than a few inches. However, viewers could opt to diversify their videos for a clearer viewing experience, with options to add body hair, a "BIPOC 'best' friend," or audio of Bernie Sanders, once again, asking for financial support. Liberal men could add a filter to pixelate any actors more conventionally attractive than their current polycule, as not to upset their liberal girlfriends, whose filters would immediately reset to full resolution once they closed the restroom door.
In the end, we're not so different. Everyone loves watching people engaging in sex for clicks, but the government wants us divided. Whether you want to Make PornHub Great Again or Build PornHub Back Better, we can all benefit by learning from our elders, by simply changing the packaging of things and pretending they're good for us. Under every MAGA hat is a person who loves watching young, degenerate college sluts do things for money that would make most Home Depot Mexicans blush. Behind every "In This House Blah Blah Blah" sign is a male-identifying cismale male man person who fantasizes about being one-on-one with a naked woman at some point in his life. PornHub is here to heal us all. That's why we need to censor it in really weird ways, and then pretend we still have our freedoms. It's the American way.
@RainmanMcMillin on IG / I don't check Facebook.
