Bah. Humbug. I know it's popular to hate Christmas, but for most, it's not hated for the right reasons. Formerly a celebration of the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, ya know, that guy who got nailed to a big "t" and became a symbol of divinity, as a result of Roman carpentry mishaps. However, it has turned into an absolute steam engine of crass consumption. I can get behind hating it for that, but we're going to explore exactly why it should be disliked in greater depth than obligatory gifts and greeting cards. There's a lot of history here, and no matter your religion, let's unpack it. If you love Christmas, that is fine. I'm not taking a steamy dump on the premise of the holiday; it's just the equivalent of that guy at work who rubs you the wrong way, despite never personally doing anything to deliberately mess with you.
Death
No, Xmas will not literally kill you, depending on which aunt made the ham. However, there is a sharp increase in suicide rates following the holiday. Xmas Day is shockingly low for self-termination, but just after, people off themselves in droves. The stress of it all is a mitigating factor, be it financial, emotional depletion after a "holiday" with no breaks, or just having to listen to your uncle tell the same story over and over again; it takes its toll, and sometimes that toll is quite severe. Don't be a sucker and do anything drastic. The world needs you. Who knows? You might develop a revolutionary urinal cake that smells like cinnamon, and then you become the "piss millionaire.”
Xmas Music
Dear fuck, we have the same 10 songs played over and over again, in every single way one can hear things, from elevators to shopping center PA systems, until you become so fed up that you want to jump in front of a train. Most Xmas songs are over 60 years old, meaning that we are destined to a lifetime of living out boomers' childhoods. The weird thing is that it's become such a fundamental part of the so-called "holiday season" that younger generations born in the last few decades just assign it to "Oh, this is Christmas," which means that they might be forging memories over the whole thing, and these songs are cemented as part of it. If we were hoping to be spared hearing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," once the boomers all shuffle off, we just might be out of luck.
Timetable Creep
Your favorite author personally witnessed, on Halloween Day, the local grocery store being completely decked out with fake trees, inflatable snowmen in red hats, and Xmas displays. Halloween-fucking-DAY! Halloween used to be our last line of defense against it, but it seems like it has lost the war. Pumpkin-headed defense force consumed by Santa Claus' army of sinister elves. Shall we expect Xmas to start after Independence Day now? The song is "The Twelve Days of Christmas," not the "Quarter of a Year of Christmas," yet we quite actually spend a fourth of our lives in the trappings of the holiday; can a brother get a break?
Santa Claus
Santa is the iconic representative of the entire season. His image is splashed on everything possible, as he is not a copyrighted character, so that anyone can use his likeness. I am sure Coca-Cola is fuming over that to this day, as they were the first to depict him in a fur-trimmed red suit. Jolly Old Saint Nicholas. How jolly was he, though, and how did Nick get his moniker of Santa Claus? Well, for his name, we have the Dutch to blame for this one. In Holland, he is called "Sinterklaas." Easy to see how that can translate into "Santa Claus" when Dutch immigrants moved to the USA. However, old Saint Nick was not even from Holland; that's merely their name for him. As for the whole "Kris Kringle" thing, we can blame the Germans for that, as when they showed up in the USA, they used the term "Christkindlein," which they used to refer to the ol' baby-in-the-manger thing. Much like Santa Claus, it's easy to see how English speakers bungled that into Kris Kringle. As for his history, he was a Greek bishop from the 4th century, preaching in Anatolia (modern-day Turkey), and he was tossed into prison during the reign of Diocletian (of ancient Roman fame), who persecuted Christians. When Constantine took over, he legalized being a Christian, and so Nicholas was set loose.
His feats as a saint are allegedly resurrecting three children who were pickled in brine by a wicked butcher, who killed them and was going to pass them off as pork to unwitting customers. He is also said to have chopped down a tree, which was possessed by a demon, and smacked a heretic in the face for preaching in his church about the old gods, and generally being an asshole. That doesn't sound too jolly to me. He is the patron saint of sailors, merchants, archers, repentant thieves, children, brewers, pawnbrokers, toymakers, unmarried people, and students. So yeah, Saint Nick would totally take your TV and give you five bucks, some Go-Bots, and a beer for it.
The Pagan Connection
Not a crime thriller; Christmas has a significant overlap with the Roman holiday of Saturnalia. What is Saturnalia? It was a time when they celebrated the god of agriculture, being Saturn, of course, and basically got drunk and partied for a month after the winter solstice. Even slaves were temporarily freed and treated as equals, because the Romans decided "we gotta get everyone in on this shit," and so they got to mingle with everyone of any social strata in Rome. Businesses and schools were closed because everyone needed to get down and get funky during the season. Richer Romans also celebrated the birth of Mithra, who was the god of the unconquerable sun and patron of soldiers, whom they worshipped as well. Not sure why only the upper class did this, and legionnaires, but that's what research says. Poor people either didn't know or weren't allowed. His birthday? December 25th. Hmm, makes you think. Jesus' actual birthday is hidden to history, but the Catholic Church said "Fuck it, it's December 25th," at some time in the 5th century. He is noted as having been born in the spring in some references, but hell, middle of winter it is. Not really a reason to hate Xmas, but the curious overlap does raise an eyebrow.
Family Gatherings
Whether you like them or not, your family is yours; you have to deal with Aunt Gladys going off about the myriad problems in her life, and you try to be civil, but someone always brings up politics, and you get into a knife fight with your cousin. That cannot just be me, can it? I think awkward family gatherings are the norm, but we stick around for the food, which is usually good, or if not, at least filling. I've backed up the toilet with my uncle's potatoes a dozen times at the very least. Some people cite this as the most miserable part of the season, and there are hundreds of whole articles out there with titles like, "How to Deal With Your Family on Christmas." This is not one of those.
I might hate Xmas, but I enjoy life. I hope you enjoy life as well.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a Santa Claus denier, Miracle on 34th Street disbeliever, maker of fine scalloped potatoes, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
