Last month's rule (“get in where you fit in”) might have come off a bit abrasive, but that's what gets clicks and eyeballs. In summary, it simply means your customers get to decide what they find attractive (and thus, which entertainers are worthy of tips and attention). As much as this suggests “tough rocks if you're not hot according to some drunk dude with money,” this month, it's time to flip the script—just like your customers, you, the stripper, also get to determine who is and isn't worth your time. As always, if any of the following advice results in a significant bump to your earnings, feel free to buy me a coffee cup I can use to conceal whiskey for an upcoming wedding gig ($RayRaysPhone on Cash App).
Rule 3: Perform For The Entire Club, Sell To A Chosen Few
Unlike bartenders, servers, or even the bouncers and DJs, dancers are allowed to pick and choose who they cater to when not on stage. As an independent contractor, you are 100% allowed to decide if a customer is worth your time and attention. Between sets, savvy strippers will walk the floor in search of a potential VIP whale, while other dancers may choose to grab a drink, freshen up, or hang around the dressing room arguing with this week's boyfriend over text.
Think of strip clubs like car lots—the stage is basically a showroom, while the floor and VIP (private dance) areas are the desk where deals are made. Everyone is allowed to walk into a dealership and gawk at Porsche or Mercedes, but in order to actually take one for a spin, a customer has to be serious about doing so. However, unlike car dealerships (where a manager gets to dictate who is allowed to become a customer), the Porsches and Mercedeses (Mercedi?) that inhabit strip clubs actually double as the salespeople. You, the Mercedes, are allowed to focus on catering to potential customers who are actually serious about dropping enough cheddar to meet your price tag (while avoiding the gawkers who are just looking to snag a free test drive).
Pick your battles. As someone who has had several ups and downs working as a freelance web designer, it took me years to learn that the clients who require the most effort are often the least lucrative. On the flipside, those who recognize the value I'm providing them are often the least problematic (thank you, Exotic) and unlikely to ask for impossible (or even just time-consuming) requests. This goes for strip club customers as well—your “money dude” is likely sipping on a drink at the corner of the bar, scoping out the club, before deciding which girl gets to take home a large cash prize. Meanwhile, the loud guy from the local music scene is breathing Pabst breath into the ear of some girl who's not even old enough to remember Poison Moon, telling her story after story, while she wishes he would at least give her a few bucks for the therapy session. There's no reason to be rude or dismissive to the broke customers—just treat them like the “Heyy gorgeus ur prety” guys in your DMs, smile and move to the next guy (hopefully one with a blue check next to his name).
With all that said, even as an independent contractor, you are working (in some capacity) for the club. This means that when you are on stage, you aren't just representing yourself as Mercedes or Porsche. You are representing the dealership. So, while you're up there under the spotlight, you can still spend a little more time and attention on the customers tipping well at the rack, while also giving some attention to those with a few bucks in front of them, and making sure to smile at the peanut gallery in the back. Your real money is in the form of private dances, so if you're only focused on stage tips, it's going to be frustrating. Plus, you might end up actually scaring off a potential private dance whale. I can't count the number of times a newly divorced crypto millionaire was chilling by the DJ booth waiting for Porsche to get done with her stage set, only to watch Porsche scream at a group of non-English-speaking tourists for not tipping (half the time, the tourists would just clap and smile, thinking it's part of the act). “Whoa, she seems spicy...yeah, I'm just gonna go get a dance with Kia” is not something you want a potential rainmaker to tell your DJ, especially if they're capable of paying your rent in under an hour.
There are exceptions to this (and every) rule, which I won't spend much time on, but they're worth noting. When a club has a small roster and a strict stage rotation (Acropolis, for example), stage money can be just as lucrative as private dance money. In these environments, dancers are given more flexibility in terms of how much attention they give tipping (versus non-tipping) customers at the rack. One of my favorite Acropolis memories is watching frat boys try to figure out why the naked girl on the other corner of the stage is just watching the game, only to discover the “dollars make women go spin” hack that the DJ, door guy, and bartender hinted at several times. Another exception would be themed sets (a la Kit Kat Club) or clubs where the stages are the main focus (Sassy's, Devils Point, Lucky Devil, and Union Jacks all tend to feature a lot of themed music sets, pole tricks, and high-energy crowd pleasers). Your goal at these clubs is to make as much stage noise as possible, and bouncers are usually vigilant in reminding customers that the limited seats at the stages are for tipping customers. Private dances are obviously not to be ignored, but at “stage-centric” clubs, you've got to be more subtle about rewarding the customers who tip more than others. Still, you can usually figure out who is and isn't worth focusing on for a private dance when you step down (in fact, you can often arrange this at the stage). A vigilant stripper (free band name if anyone needs one) will ask every customer for a dance, but she won't get hung up on rejection, and has every right to skip over anyone she doesn't feel comfortable with.
Returning to the typical, Vegas-adjacent strip clubs that book more than a dozen girls per shift, once you walk the floor and locate a quality regular who is willing to spend his ex-wife's alimony check on cinnamon-scented women half her age, you're going to want to treat him like he's part of your dating roster—once he's done spending, ghost him immediately and move on to the next dude. There's no commitment, and you don't belong to anyone. You're not looking for a husband or kids, and non-monogamy isn't an issue, because it's really, really hard to spread STDs or pregnancy via private dances (not impossible, but those clubs usually get shut down and re-branded as vape shops). So, just like a roster on the dating market, a roster on the customer market actually increases interest from the various dudes attempting to win your time. Men are competitive by nature, and just like IRL instances of alpha-male nonsense, the first dude will be waiting there when you're done with the second one. And, if the first dude wants your undivided attention, up your price. Musical powerhouse Corey Feldman charges an extra $200 for VIP access at his performances, so you should, too.
How do you up your fees, you ask? Most clubs charge a flat rate for private dances or hourly VIP time, but that doesn't include tips. If a private dance is fifty bucks, you can easily make a couple of hundred by making it clear that dances get even better with tips. I can't remember if I ever wrote about it, but one of my most eye-opening moments of being freshly out of high school was the time my buddy Brad (who worked at a Motel 6) ordered a hooker (to the Motel 6 he worked at, because why the hell not) after asking, over the phone, “how much?” She told him it was a hundred bucks, so that's what he skimmed from the register. Sadly, when the hooker got to his room, Brad learned that a hundred bucks was the base fee, and if he wanted anything more than her company, he would have to pay extra. This is how I ended up smoking blunts with a hooker in a Motel 6 while watching Judge Judy, because my friend Brad texted me and said, “Hey, come smoke blunts with a hooker at my work, because I paid for a full hour and she's not leaving until that hour is up.” I'm not comparing strippers to hookers (this lady was a hooker, by the way, not an “escort” or “sex worker,” as she smoked Pall Malls and had a Calvin-pissing-on-something prison tattoo on her thigh). Rather, I'm simply noting that the “upgrade fees” that currently infest every aspect of our subscription-based hellscape are something you can use to your advantage. You don't have to go from striptease to hand jobs, but you can up the dirty talk, do that weird breathe-on-his-neck thing, and say something naughty, like “I vote third party.” There are levels to this shit, and most guys have no clue what they are, so you can up your private dance tips by using vague phrases like “spend more, get more,” as if you're answering the phone at an 82nd Avenue massage parlor.
Your time is money. Even though strippers aren't employees (and past attempts to make them such have backfired—the BOLI crap from a decade ago was a huge misfire, and I regret consulting with politicians who pretended as if they'd never been in a strip club), strippers are on the clock. “Offstage” doesn't mean “off the clock”—it means “on the floor.” And when you're on the floor, you should be looking for your next meal ticket (not chatting with the bartender's boyfriend). Every second spent listening to Ass Dan talk about his graffiti crew's sick party under the bridge is a wasted dollar. Set a time limit (one song or less) that you will allow for “test drive talk,” and then move on to the next potential buyer if the first one isn't whipping out their wallet. When you're on the floor, you're the car salesperson and the car. The BMW salesman isn't going to spend hours trying to convince a broke college kid to purchase a blinker-free rich-guy-mobile. The top-tier stripper isn't going to waste her time showing the broccoli hair bros how to use the ATM.
To recap, the stage is the sales pitch, and the floor is for closers. Profiling the crowd for potential whales is okay. You don't have to resort to racism/classism/etc to properly judge a room full of drunk guys with money, as they/we are the absolute easiest demographic to profile. The group of guys in beer-stained Anti-Flag shirts might be excellent conversation, but they hate capitalism so much that they forgot to bring money to the club. The dude in the suit jacket sipping on a gin and tonic might be a complete and utter douchebag, but complete and utter douchebags tend to have money. Leave your comfort zone and chat with your buddies from the tattoo shop on your off time. Consider the tan coat,
New Balance shoes, and divorced dad. Ponder the elderly guy in brand new Jordans with no ring on his finger. Find out who has the money, and then ask them what cologne they're wearing, because it's turning you on. If you find one that says, “I'm not wearing cologne,” jackpot (shout out to Jim Norton, IYKYK).
Lastly, unlike cars, your services are not something that most people purchase without a little bit of stigma or shame, so it's your job to make said purchase easy. Industry people forget that we thrive in the places that most people drive past and wonder what goes on inside. Similar to porn stores or Pokémon card shops, a lot of your client base is ashamed to be there. Make it easy for them, and you might discover who is and isn't willing to part with giant wads of cash for a rare peek at'chu (sorry). But, don't forget, your time is money, and if they don't have the money for the ride, they can watch someone else take a spin.
