Get Fit and Mentally Stable (Probably) Now!
Much like the rest of you, I’ve been busy just trying to wake up every morning without falling into traffic on purpo accident, and eating my Cheerios for heart health. But I haven’t really been eating my Cheerios for heart health. I haven’t eaten Cheerios all year. Or probably in the last decade. So my heart is over here, probably crying out for more Cheerios, while my brain is telling me, “The street-cross sign isn’t on yet, but you can walk anyway.” It’s a constant battle.
My family has the tendency to outlive most twinkies and parrots, and most of them have passed on peacefully in their beds, aside from a demented great aunt. But with all of this in mind, I have to be cautious of my own health. I’m afraid that even if I tried throwing myself into a terrible accident, I’d come out of it scathed but still able to work the next day, then live on for another 90 years with a slight gimp and deformed face.
I’m secretly a very vain person—but for weird reasons. I want to make sure that if I do end up being 100 years old and cars are finally flying, I’m able to drive one without straining my body, and that I look like I don’t need an extra driver’s test every year. If I could look 25 forever, I might try, but not with plastic surgery. Not because I have a problem with it, but because I’m poor, there is upkeep to that crap, and the doctor might suck at what he does to you.
I’ve watched as one of my family members’ tattooed eyeliner has gradually started to melt down their face ever so slightly over the years. If you don’t get Botox and you have tattooed eyeliner, you’re asking to look like you had a stroke in 20 years. So, since I’m poor and don’t want to follow that particular family member’s footsteps, I’m left with good old-fashioned exercise and diet.
Easily doable for anyone who has the ability to stay focused for longer than 34 minutes at a time. Which means I also require secondary mechanisms for this: phone apps and wearable devices. *Ghasp, wut? You? No. You’re trash!* That’s right, good people of the public. I’m trash. But this trash is going to still look good when she’s 90 years old and all my friends are dead. God…it’s gonna suck. I already kind of want to take back all the things I’m saying right now…but it's too late, I spent money on it. Which means…I have to go through with it. Not wasting what I eagerly spent money on for a subscription, at 1 a.m., after a couple shots of Espolon. No, sir. I’m too poor for that. I’m too poor for this, but I did it anyway—because I’m too poor to be on medications for blood pressure or other crap. This is what being vain, poor, trash, and aware of your impending long lifespan gets you.
It started with Linda again.
A birb on an app – Linda sent a text to me, which was a notification to join this app called Finch. Because I’m always leering at anything she sends me, since she never double-checks sources or reads privacy policies, I spent the next day looking it over, while she was busy sending me a screenshot of some adorable fake-animal pet I could have on Finch, if I joined. So, that’s all it took. It’s actually incredibly adorable and has a legitimate local following in Portland and other towns, where people meet up and just do things together. Like…the anti-social social club, but for people with depression and anxiety and low motivation as well. Finch gives you little presents, like cute little mini bunnies and bats, if you complete tasks each day, like ‘clean your room,’ or ‘drink water at lunch,’ or ‘compliment someone without sounding creepy’ (that’s one I made up, and it’s really hard to do…) Anyway, after the free month-long trial, I somehow accidentally paid for a full year. It was only $9.99, though…and I’m still using it…so, money well spent in my book.
Then we get to my obsession with Doctor Now and My 600 Pound Life.
Know what you ate that day? Now I do! – Lose It! God. I am such trash. It’s such a basic app. It literally just helps you keep track of what you eat that day, and if you’re on a specific diet plan or have any restrictions, it tells you where you’re lacking. Most people probably aren’t eating enough bananas or garbanzo beans. One can of garbanzo beans and a banana get me all the fiber and potassium I need that day. After that, I just eat air and drink 0-carb energy drinks. Just kidding, mostly. Well, due to my embarrassingly sloth-like behavior, I don’t even want to be bothered to type the word “banana” or “garbanzo,” and press that stupid “+“ sign for each ingredient or food item, I decided to pay for a year’s subscription, so that it would take pictures of the food for me, and accurately determine what I was eating. Sometimes I have to change a few things, but this way I really don’t have to do damn near anything to stay accountable. I might only eat trash, and I might be trash, but at least I’m keeping track, kind of.
And the last thing was because I’m not a great patient – I really, really, really cannot overstate the fact that I am not afraid of the doctor's offices I go to. I worked in the medical field in various roles for over 10 years. I love sticking needles in things and getting blood. I don’t mind if you take mine. But for some reason or other, I cannot get my blood pressure to stay normal in the office. So, since I am on ADHD meds, the docs wanted to make sure I was not killing myself in the process, and wanted to do one of those tests you take home for 24 hours. I refused, but knew this would make me look sus. So, I took my blood pressure at home with a cuff and gave the reading to the doctor. They were happy. But because I like to go the extra mile with proving myself, I went and used half of my FSA money on an Oura Ring and subscription. Now I have one ring to rule my health and scare the living hell out of me. After a month, it will tell you how old your heart is compared to your age (relatively speaking), and it can change every week. Just depends on how healthy and active you stay. But since getting this thing, it’s made me aware of some useful insights into my sleep patterns and how stressed I am that day. As if I needed that bit. Either way, it’s actually pretty neat, and if you have an FSA and aren’t spending it on stupid things like 24-hour blood pressure monitoring, I’d recommend getting one. You can return it after 30 days if you don’t like it.
And with that, you’ve all now learned various information regarding my health and wellness, as well as some ways you, too, can join in on looking shwifty at 50, 60, or 105…like I probably will. I’m gonna be so hot. Because the Earth will literally be burning up by then. And I’ll be flying my car to the closest ocean to sink into. And I’ll still be poor because I’m lazy and buy subscriptions because of my laziness. Oh, and if anyone wants to join Finch…uh…lemme know. I can get you hooked up with a cow. It’s really cute. Stay sexy!
