Five Demands From My Proposed Portland Local Band Union
I felt compelled to write this piece after I received some unwanted praise for last month’s column. I was basically accused of finally coming into the libertarian’s tent. The “don’t pay taxes” bullet point was a gamble, and boy, did it backfire.
To reiterate, I will never validate or agree with any political take that is right of center. I am a card-carrying communist and will be ‘til the day I die. Glory to the CCP. To those of you who unironically have a Gadsden flag hung up in your room: take a shower, move out of your mom’s basement, and get a job. The “free market” you simp for offers many low-wage ones for you to choose from. Oh, right…sorry, you call those “starter” wages.
Anyway, I felt like I needed to redraw the line in the sand and raise my red flag higher with May’s issue. It just so happens you’re probably reading this on May Day! Better known as International Workers’ Day. So, on this glorious holiday celebrating solidarity amongst the workers of the world, I felt like writing up a proposal for my list of demands for a fictional Local Band Union this city sorely needs.
It breaks my heart seeing all these shitty dive bar bands fight over scraps, while the greedy capitalist class laughs from on high. Brothers and sisters, do you not see that if we unite in a common cause, we could make our lives better? Let us not see each other as enemies, but as comrades in the fight against the bourgeois venue owners! Look not to the scraps they’ve thrown us, but to the whole meal they hoard for themselves!
Once all the local, sad, white-boy guitar bands have put aside their differences and formed this union, we will present this list of five demands to all venue owners in Portland. Until they have agreed to meet these demands, we will be on strike, withholding the services we provide to the six or so folks who wander into a bar to see who’s playing.
Four Drink Tickets
I’m sorry, but the arbitrary number of only two free drinks for an entire night at a bar is absurd. Name a single musician in Portland who does not average seven drinks an outing. This is an insult beyond measure to the working-class musician. A ploy to get these poor, thirsty comrades to pay the venue more money to get the appropriate amount of booze in their system required to perform for those four bored friends they dragged to the show. The CDC says that the healthy pace for drinking is one beverage per hour. The average show lasts at least four hours. Science and math have spoken! We hereby demand that four drink tickets be the new normal for venues.
Food
Here’s the thing. We musicians realize that we are not getting paid a living wage, so the very least we can ask for is to be fed. Also, it’s in your best interest. If you’re giving us four free drinks, we’re definitely going to open a tab and order eight more, so unless you want three-to-six belligerent, failed local musicians causing a scene because they’re sad no one showed up, you might as well try to offset that with some fries or mozzarella sticks.
Either the Whole Door or a Fee
Okay, on the real, this one seems reasonable. I’ve heard any number of excuses from “covering expenses” to “covering expenses” for why the venues have to skim a certain amount off the door to pay the door and sound guy. No more. Are you a venue for the evening? Venues have staff. Pay your staff. You have two extra barbacks on Friday and Saturday ‘cause it’s busier that day. Imagine if you paid them out of the bartender’s tips? You’d be hung upside down by your balls in the town square, tarred and feathered. If you want to keep the door money, fine — but then you have to pay a fee to the band. You can even give the band the choice! If they want to keep the door, they’ll be all the more motivated to get people to come. However, lazy bastards like myself will always take the fee option. Like all dirty, evil socialists (and Dire Straits enjoyers), I want my money for nothing.
The Venue Must Promote
I thought this one wouldn’t have to be put on our list of demands, but apparently it does. I would turn the language venues use on the bands right back on the venues. At least one social media post, one reel, one story, etc, etc. Well, the venue has a social media account, right? They want people to come to the show, too, right? They wanna sell drinks and food to the eight poor bastards who literally had nothing else going on that night. Post for post. Story for story. Reel for reel.
The Booker Must Be Present
No other reason for this than it’s fucking annoying when the person you’ve been emailing back and forth endlessly discussing payment, logistics, order, set times, load in, and literally every other detail of the show isn’t at the goddamn show. The one that they put together. This inevitably leads the band fumbling around asking the bartender, the barback, the door, and the sound guy (who shows up late) what to do and where to be, and none of them know because none of them have those emails. You don’t even have to physically do anything at the venue. We just ask that you are there to answer questions. You can even be four beers deep! Just like the band!
