Junk food. We know it, we love it. In the dead of night or for lunch at work, we all have our favorites. I polled the electorate on various social media sites to ask people what their favorites were. Wild answers unfolded, so I am going to list them; perhaps some are your favorites, too.
Ranked in no particular order, as this is the list of other people's opinions, and not just my own.
Cup Noodles
One of the respondents said, "Ramen, but only if they're in the foam cup." Well, I've been eating that shit since I was a young latchkey kid in the '80s. Can vouch for it. Since I've been going to Asian grocery stores as an adult, I found the best kind. Black pepper crab, in the foam cup. A superb junk food. Fills your belly and takes a piss on your health. I recommend it. Pick it up wherever Asian groceries are found.
Velveeta Shells & Cheese
I have to say, I'm not a big fan, but one of the pollsters said this was the GOAT of junk food. I've had it before, and I will say that I need hot sauce to make it taste like anything. It's like hospital food.
Jack in the Box Tacos
When your writer was but a lad, his mom said that he "had to try them; they are so bad, they're good." "Like an old Godzilla movie?" "Yeah, but you can eat it. It is an edible Godzilla movie. "Sure enough, it was. Many claim this as their favorite junk food.
Costco Hot Dog and Pizza Slice Combo
I can't complain about the Costco hot dog. They said they would never raise the price, and for a big company, they actually did not. When you're going to buy 50 gallons of mayonnaise, for...personal reasons, you are gonna get the dollar-fifty hot dog and add that pizza for a tiny amount more money, and life in junk food land is gorgeous.
McDonald's Fries With the Sweet and Sour Sauce
I cannot hate on this, either. I mean, Mickey D's probably has the best fries of the fast-food chains, and the sweet and sour is the best choice for fries and McNuggets. Their BBQ sauce can suck farts out of my ass.
Totino's Pizza Rolls
Very much a staple of junk food as anyone who grew up in the 1990s knows. First made in 1993, after Pillsbury (yeah, of doughboy fame…”Hoo-Hoo!”—shut up you dough-making motherfucker), acquired Jeno’s. Eight years later, General Mills (of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and 16 kinds of Cheerios nobody likes fame) bought Pillsbury. They were originally invented in the 1960s by Beatrice Ojakangas and marketed as Jeno's Pizza Rolls by Jeno Paulucci. Still a staple food for when everyone at the party is too drunk.
Hot Pockets
Oh, lord, here we go. There is nothing wrong with them, but they are nothing but tiny calzones, are they not? I have not had one in some time, but I did make my own mini calzones once (yeah, your author cooks) with regular pizza dough and deep-fried them. I felt like I should have been sitting next to my brother playing Double Dragon 2 while eating them. Good junk food.
Reser's Microwave Burritos
These dick-sized little fuckers microwave in like a minute and come in packs of twelve!
Who am I to resist? Gimme those bean and cheese bitches. I still eat these to this day, even though I no longer have homework to do. When you crave junk food, you eat junk food. Many said this was their favorite. Hard to hate on them, even though they're essentially crap (and roughly the same size).
SpaghettiOs
One of my pollers said SpaghettiOs was their go-to junk food and would eat it raw out of the can, with a focus on drinking the juice. That weirded me. Another, a professional chef, said SpaghettiOs were "a war crime." To which he was rebutted, "Maybe that's why we like it!”
Fruity Pebbles Breakfast Cereal
This came up a lot when I asked people about their guilty pleasures. I've had Fruity Pebbles before, but it didn't carry a note of craving for me. However, your author does have a bottle of the Fruity Pebbles syrup in his kitchen. Yes, this exists. It is disgusting. It's like if your uncle put an icepick through your tongue. Do not buy it.
Lipton Noodle Soup (specifically, the kind that comes in the box)
I can support this. My parents gave it to me when I was sick as a child. Bland, but comforting. I can see how this would be someone's junk food of choice. Comfort food: I imagine people probably also got it when they were ill as kids and then grew up with it. I personally haven't had it in ages, but that taste sits on the back of my tongue.
Ninja Turtle Vanilla Pudding Pies
The person who said this was wistfully recalling the early '90s. "Do... do they even still make those?" "No, and it's even hard to find vanilla cream pies." But these were a relic. A Hostess hand pie, colored green, because of the Ninja Turtles fame at the time. I vaguely recall having one, but that was 35 years ago. Still thought they were pretty good. Hostess still makes hand pies, of course, but my pro tip to snackers is "nuke for 30 seconds, and spray them fucks with Reddi-wip." Then play video games. Careful, that shit's hot, especially the apple ones. Take care with that one, kids who are reading a strip-club-oriented magazine.
Hamburger Helper
I had a conversation with a friend about the best junk food. I advocate for the Jack tacos. "No," she said. "Hamburger Helper!" Oh shit, I had to agree. She ran out and got it, and I was hit right in the meat sack. "Stroganoff! Yeah!" "Best flavor." Damn right, but I am also about the chili mac as well.
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
The classic junk food we've been growing up with since forever. Even your grandparents were eating the ol' Mac. Kids coming home from school, adults who had long days? Just boil that water, and add that cheese powder! Stir it and have a whole pile of carbs. If you're daring, cut up some hot dogs and toss them in there, or a can of Nalley's Really Shitty Chili™, if you wanna get down and dirty. Oddly, they just call it "Kraft Dinner" in Canada. Have they no concept of the nature of macaroni? I cannot speak to it.
There is so much junk food out there, and everyone has a favorite. Be it for comfort, depression, feeding the kids, well, carry on. Sometimes junk food is the easy answer to an otherwise complex situation.
Be well, and don't eat too much crap.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a semi-professional food critic, ape taunter, mustard enthusiast, junk-food enjoyer, writer, and semi-retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @Wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook, as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
