Although I stated in a previous article that being alone was completely healthy and fine, there is a large line between being alone and suffering isolation in the country. The country has many beautiful and varied things to offer. Wide-open, sprawling fields, that as a child probably made you look out the window of a car and wish you could just run through it for some reason (you’d probably break your ankle at this point), cows, solitude (if you like that), country folk who have their own sense of politeness and justice, more cows, some horses, chickens—but for some reason, people in the city also decided that they wanted to become farmers and house them in their tiny yard, and critters.
Critters include anything from unrecognizable insects and arachnids to tiny shadows you see skitter around in the night that were too fast to make out. They also include known species such as rats, ground squirrels, and mice. Critters can be an extreme nuisance, and when you’re in the country, it usually requires “taking care of” in some way.
This last month, I had the pleasure of watching over a family member’s country abode and two very dumb Boxers (dogs) for a week, while the family member went on a vacation of sorts. When I’m called to this duty, I always have to prepare for a lot of weird situations and do my best to pack for them. The problem is, I never know what I’m going to run into, so I end up in all sorts of pickles. I thought I might write about how my most recent trip down to the country went, and about more things I learned to prepare for and bring the next time I’m out there.
I brought my own cooking pan – My family member is not the best at keeping a clean house, and I never trust how clean anything is, even if it appears to have been washed. So, I bring my own easy-to-clean, nonstick pan.
Protein bars – Because although the idea of bringing a nonstick pan and cooking for myself for a week was noble, it didn’t happen, so I just ate a bunch of disgusting protein bars that had this weird consistency of…collagen? Pretty sure that was a main ingredient, and I can’t tell if my skin did, in fact, benefit from it (or not).
Entertainment – Do not depend on others to provide you with conversation. Since more than likely everyone you know lives in the city, or in a population larger than 300, they aren’t just thinking about you and how alone you are on a mountain, with only two dogs to talk to. Those people all might as well be dead to you while in the boonies; it’s best to think that way. I learned this late into a previous trip, after being concerned that everyone hated me for some reason, and that they’d discovered some huge, awful secret I’d failed to mention, which is what made them all stop talking to me or responding to my texts immediately. It wasn’t. They just had work. And I was suffering from isolation. So, make sure to bring more than enough entertainment. I learned how to crochet one time I was in the country. You can also bring a video game system, art supplies, and knowing your streaming logins helps as well. Do not underestimate the amount of time you’ll spend just sitting there. Until one day, you realize it’s been three days since you’ve spoken to a living person, so you make yourself get takeout food just so you can use your vocals to say, “Thank you!”
Sleeping aids – Things like melatonin or prescription drugs, and an eye mask are things I’ve been accustomed to bringing with me. If I don’t, I can't sleep. The quietness is deafening. And what makes it worse is critters. CRITTERS! (This time, there were critters in the house that cheep-cheeped through the night and made me frightened of removing my socks.) The dogs just snored through it all, while I kept the TV on full blast throughout the night so that I didn’t have to hear what I knew were mice skittering around the walls.
Groceries – I never…ever…trust the items in this particular person’s fridge. So I come prepared with my own foodstuffs now. It just helps me know that I won’t willingly give myself food poisoning, and it also helps keep a little bit of home with me. However, as discussed in item #1 and #2 below, what ends up happening is that I don’t want to cook for myself, so I’ve instead started just bringing fruit and a bunch of disgusting protein bars. It works. I also bring my own coffee and creamer, because I can’t drink Safeway-brand black coffee grounds. Gross.
Oh yeah, alcohol. Just bring enough alcohol. You’ll want it at some point, all of the time. What “enough” really is depends on your tolerance for it, and silence.
Once you have all these things packed and your other essentials like body wash, etc., you’re probably mostly all set. When I got to the country this time, I was 85% “all set,” and still needed other things to keep me alive. The first steps into the country abode require several things to be done before you’re able to attempt sleeping there at night comfortably:
1) Clean the kitchen even though they say they already did. Don’t trust that. You know what clean is, and they don’t. The house will smell better when you do this, and you’ll attract fewer critters. Clean the coffee pot. They drink the same pot of coffee for three days, so clean it now. This is not No Country For Old Men.
2) Decide which bathroom requires the least amount of work prior to being able to set foot in the shower, and use only that one…if you have choices.
3) Review your surroundings for any signs of critters in the house or where you’ll be sleeping (the couch). If you find anything, go get something to take care of it as soon as possible, so you can at least have some peace of mind knowing the critters are being handled (as humanely as possible).
4) Determine if you’ll be sleeping on the bed with dogs, or on the couch with dogs. It’ll most likely be the couch in my case, and it will always be with dogs, so I prepare myself for this with an extra dose of sleep aid, so that I don’t notice their snoring or the sounds of critters. The TV starts to be the thing that lulls you to sleep; no matter how dim you set it, it’s still like falling asleep with a flashlight in your eyes if you don’t have an eye mask.
Once you’ve done all this, be aware you’ll probably be repeating all of these steps every day; this is why alcohol helps. You’ll also more than assuredly be bored out of your mind, unless you have entertainment with you. I ended up taking walks with the two extremely stupid dogs, but I have to keep watch of them while we do, because the only things that pique their interest are food, when I get up out of a chair, and critters. There are a lot of lizards here, and I’ve had to chase a very dumb, 120-pound boxer dog up a mountain back home more than once. I’m pretty sure I also mentioned dealing with skunks in a previous article. If not, then yeah, that was fun, and something I absolutely could not have prepared for. Even if I had, the end result would have been the same.
And with that, I hope you all have learned that visiting the country can be very expensive, emotionally taxing, and should be avoided at all costs, which will be less than actually going. I kid, I kid…mostly. Just make sure you bring a pan. That way you can at least scare critters away or knock yourself out to get a good night’s rest.
Hannah One Cup can be found safe and sound in her Portland home. She is still eating protein bars instead of cooking for herself, and hears echoes of skittering critters once in a while when things get too quiet.
