Future Fury
Throughout time, many have speculated on what magical technology we would have in what is now the future. From space colonies to crazy robots that would do all the labor, there have been many ideas about what the future would be like. A life of comfort and ease, or labor replaced by machines, like in the Jetsons. Sounds great, right? Well, let us look at what predictions from the past have come true in the future—which is now the present. Soul-crushing depression not included in this bargain bin. That said, we will explore the things people thought we would have by now, silly though some might be.
Ranked in no particular order.
Self-Driving Cars
They won on this. We have these. I was with someone, and they just took their hands off the wheel. "What are you doing?!" "Oh, it drives itself." "It does?" Sure enough, it did. It does not look like a spaceship as they imagined way back when. In the '60s, apparently everything in the future looked like Martians were gonna pop out of it, but this is a fact of life now. I guess you win this one, speculative futurists.
Space Colonies
We thought we'd all be living on the moon, or Mars, or something even further by now. Naw, we live in the same squalor on Earth as we would on the moon, or Mars, or Titan. I mean, some institutions are trying to go to those places, but we haven't even been back to the moon in 50 years. Did we just decide it sucks? We should have moon cities and such, according to predictions from the distant past. I mean, I'd get a nice apartment on Luna City 1, but no, that one did not come true, and I just wonder why not. How many humans look at the moon every night and wonder if rent is cheap?
Domestic Robots
We're all thinking of Rosey from The Jetsons or possibly Marvin from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I think Rosey would be more helpful. This one has kinda come true in that Roombas are a thing, but some robot you are if you smear cat shit all over my floor, and make me get a mop while I am insulting your metal ass, as you go hide in the charging bay. It is less "Jaaaane, get me off this crazy thing!" and more "Jane, could you hand me the mop? The robot kinda fucked everything up."
Shopping From Home
They thought about this in the 1950s. How convenient for homemakers to grab a telephone, hook it up to a television, make a call, and order their groceries from the TV! Obviously, this did not manifest at the time. We have Amazon, DoorDash, and all those services that do just that now in the modern age, but it was a dream from the distant past, so they get points for predicting that one.
Jetpacks
There was a notion in the distant past that everyone would have a personal jetpack and just go to work that way. They didn't think of remote work. No! Jetpacks! My primary question on this is not "would it be cool," because it would, but rather, how are you not burning your ass? Asbestos pants? Even then, it did not seem practical, but they thought we would all have them by now in the 1940s. No jetpacks. The past lost on this one.
Flying Cars
Yes, we have been promised flying cars for like a century. They do exist now, but you have to get a pilot's license, and train, and all that fun stuff. The dream of a city with flying cars everywhere did not come to pass. Plus, they cost like a million dollars. Also, did they factor in the parking situation? "You have clearance to land." "Land, where?!" They did not think about that. You can't exactly go into the parking garage.
Virtual Reality
Oh, anyone who grew up in the 1990s knows about this. Everyone thought virtual reality was the next huge thing. Except it sucked. There were TV shows like "VR 5," and they even made a markup language (for websites) called VRML. You want HTML (the standard to this day)? Well, fuck you, you are being force-fed VR. Virtual reality was supposed to be big...but it never really worked. Does anyone recall the Nintendo Virtual Boy, which was supposed to be cutting-edge VR tech, but it was all in red and hurt your eyes? Yeah, that's what VR got us. VR loses.
Global Walkie-Talkies
They envisioned a set of walkie-talkies that you could use to talk to anyone, anywhere in the world. Okay. Radio tech is not exactly so advanced to do that, and certainly not in the 1950s. But I will give them credit for the notion, as we now have mobile phones which quite actually do this. They're a little far removed from walkie-talkies, but you can walkie and you can talkie to anyone in the world. Not bad, 1950s.
Hive Cities
The notion that people should build down, not up. Great underground complexes thousands of feet into the Earth. Well, what would the windows look out on to? Would they even have windows? We decided that was not a good idea. That is sticking people in a shoebox, and expecting them to show up for work every day—no surprise it did not catch on.
Smart Watches
Yes, we very well have these now. Polite and tiny. Back in the day, it was this colossal edifice you strapped to your arm, making people wonder if you were some sort of techno-barbarian or galactic nerd. These were substantial, as they took up most of your forearm and made you look like an extra in Star Wars.
These are the things people from the past thought we would have by now. Sorry, past people, we are not living on Mars, conquering the galaxy, or driving flying cars. We have to mop the bathroom, move grandma's chest into the basement, and contemplate our existential dread. You had hope, past people. We have microtransactions.
Live well, and let us hope the future gets to be what the past hoped it would be.
–Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent has a flying car, is a fried chicken enthusiast, an enemy of the future and a thinker on the past, a writer, and a semi-retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook, as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
