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xmag.com : July 2002: Far Beyond Evil

When I hear the word 'Norway,' a circus of glacial imagery capers through my noggin. Lonesome winds a-howlin' over the humbling fjørds...a
rosy-cheeked Norwegian lad yumpin' across the
finish line of the Spitsbergen Marathon...a massivepile of cold kippers in the mornin'...it's enough to
make a fella dizzy.

I could gab for hours about creamy, steamy nights in Oslo. I might tell you the tale of a madcap taxi ride in Hammerfest. I'd contentedly quaff homebrew with enormous blue men, goofin' on our foggy breath in the frigid air. I could go on about Odin 'til my lutefisk shrivels. Uf da, I may well write a book on their nummy mustards alone!

Yessir, I'm a multicultural guy, and it's no secret: I love me some Norway. And what frosty northern Norway treat do I love the best? ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE PERCENT PURE NORWEGIAN BLACK METAL! WHOOO! AWESOME!

Unlike its tamer counterparts such as Greek "feta metal" or Mbuti "pygmy metal," Norwegian black metal stakes its claim as the SCARIEST MUSIC EVER, MAN! In the early to mid-nineties, black metal caused a brief-but-alarming stir in the music media by way of graveyard defilement, suicide, church burning and actual, for-real murder, ostensibly committed to win Brownie points with Satan or Wotan or something.

Anyone can grunt and screech on the subject of remorseless bloodshed, but it takes a real man...dare I say a Norwegian man...to walk the walk. From among that swarthy and esteemed group of spooky, sexy, Scandinavian songsters, there is but one band that stands out as more inherently evil than the others. One band alone from whom the posers hide like li'l bitches. Naturally, I speak of EPISTAXIS.

Errik Sjøstrom, Gristly Adams, and Mr. Everything founded the shrieking metal juggernaut known as EPISTAXIS, who scythed their way into the metal scene in late 1996 when their four-track cassette demo, For Pregnant Women About to Smoke, We Salute You, began floating around the underground clubs of the depressing Nordic north. Despite their first effort's

glammy, Poisonesque, cheese-metal sound, it gained the attention and respect of devil-worshipping scenesters owing to its purported influence over teenage metalhead Bjørn Xstophrrs's decision to hack himself to bits. According to reports, the boy's parents, Wally and Marge Xstophrrs, were the ones to discover the boy's mangled-albeit-still-recognizable johnson, the first in a string of dismembered parts leading finally to his head, nestled against a cheap Walkman, Epistaxis blaring within.

Such scandal only fueled the band's mystique, with further satanic accolades heaped up phat on EPISTAXIS during their first tour, when, in a fit of creepiness, bassist Sjøstrom stabbed himself repeatedly in the mouth and neck with a salmon hook. In accordance with the traditional Nordic Hook Suicide Ritual, his body was thereafter dragged into the woods, burnt to crude ash, and snorted by
loyal fans.

Gristly and Mr. Everything continued on as a duo, changing their overall style and delving deep into their chilly Nordic heritage for inspiration. After casting runes and drinking mead for a fortnight, a violent, vivacious Viking spirit became manifest and seemed to say, "BRING IT ON!" They indeed brought "it" on in their second release, entitled BUKSE!, which shocked even the most jaded metalmeister with its fervent allegiance to Satan and unapologetic encouragement toward random acts of violence. Supposed diehard fans called it quits, mortified by BUKSE!'s dedication to All Things Especially Naughty. Not convinced? Think you've heard worse, mister seen-it-all jadedpants? Check out these liner notes:


Vi liker satan. Vi er mot all "FALSE METAL," vi er fryktinngytende og voldsomme. Hvitt folk er bedre enn svart og brunt folk. Vi er bedre og smart. EPISTAXIS dreper all musikk. Ungt folk dreper seg fra vår "RIFFS." Hagl sann viking familie! Hagl lincoln logger! Det er også mange kinesiske folk. De eter nok kjøtt dra til valhalla, sliter De hatten. "Hitler." Behag rekkefølge EPISTAXIS når De leter etter den mørke satanic smak!


As if that isn't enough to make their intentions perfectly clear, a cassette of the only known EPISTAXIS interview fell into an Exotic contact's lithe yet staggeringly masculine hands. Here, transcribed verbatim for the first time in print, I bring you Norway's Most Notorious, EPI-motherfuckin'-STAXIS!


(cell phone ringing)


G.A.: ...hellew...

Yeah, this Mykel O'Houli--

G.A.: --Die at the mighty hands of Epistaxis! We give not a shit! Our rock equals Holocaust!

Um, I'm calling for the interview...

G.A.: Oh, sorry, hang on, let me get Mr. Everything...

'kay, shoot.

To begin, what inspired you to start a band?

Mr. E: Music is the mailman, and we are Satan's mail.

G.A.: Heads up! Epistaxis blasts you in the face!

Mr. E: We had no choice but to take the initiative and hit the ground rockin', what with all the false metal around. If there's one thing I will not stand for, it's false metal. Could you explain this "false metal" you speak of?

G.A.: Epistaxis is the only true metal! Epistaxis rocks you and then rapes you with a fucking CAR!

Mr. E: False metal is any metal that leaves Our Dark Lord Satan unappeased. Def Leppard is a damn fine example of what I'm talking about here. It's metal, I guess, but it's played...you know...falsely.

G.A.: I walk upon it with spiteful black hoof.

Mr. E: Hagl to that.

What can you tell me about the suicides [of Sjøstrom and Xtophrrs]?

G.A.: Epistaxis supports all badness! Epistaxis supports violence and "the nasty!" The daemon Adramalech comes forth from the inky void, that he may snort with us the honor powder of the dead!

Mr. E: Killing yourself for Satan: now that's good metal!

There seems to be a lot of rivalry among black metal bands. Have you ever had conflict with others in the scene?

Mr. E: We got in a MAJOR fight with the WiccaChimps from Trondheim, and when we played that festival with Ass Cancer, I nearly kicked Count Yimmylegg's head off his shoulders. We prefer the crude weapons of our Viking forefathers when dealing with false metal. Axes, bludgeons, swords. They look badass. You can get them at the Ren Fair.

G.A: We spill the blood of the Nazarene lamb in the shadow temple of Asartoth! The bearded white ancestry rocks with us!

Sweet! Tell me, why are your lyrics totally unintelligible?

G.A.: We grunt like the unbearable hell-beasts of yore! Roooaaaarrrgh! Children of the night, what rad fuckin' metal we make!

Mr. E: I think he clarified nicely.

Why do you wear the sad clown makeup?

Mr. E: It's not makeup, it's corpsepaint! Gristly, tell him it's corpsepaint! I call false metal on you!

G.A: Sad clown makeup? No, fuck this, I don't need this shit! This interview is over! (tape ends)


NOTE: Just days before publication date, both members of Epistaxis were clubbed to death in their thatch-roof apartment near Loføtenbarderheimhåmmer Junior College. While Norwegian authorities have yet to make any official indictments, they suspect that Samoan Brown Metal may be involved.




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