: July 2002: The Jack Shack
a twin-TV perv. I enjoy watching porn on one screen
and the network news on the other. It livens up
both screens. Dan
blabs on about Pakistanis and Native Indians of
India preparing to nuke it out over Kashmir. Makes
a good soundtrack for Rocco
who is nuking nookie while his tie remains impeccably
knotted on his dark-blue shirt. Rocco's nuking her
in the ass with his pants down to his knees. I can't
help but notice Rocco's and Rather's suits are almost
identical, high-end men's wear, possibly Versace.
Rather was an aggressive reporter back in the Watergate
days. He drove Nixon up the wall. Those days are
long-gone. Ever since Dan plopped his Texas ass
down in the CBS anchor chair, his bite evaporated.
No longer an aggressive reporter, he merely plays
one on TV.
like tuning in Dan 'cause he's so spooky. Strange
things happen to him. In Chicago he got hijacked
by a cabdriver over a dispute about the fare. Another
time he got mugged by two guys who kept asking him,
"What's the frequency, Kenneth?" Then there was
the week he signed off the air every night inexplicably
with the word "courage." Best of all, the night
he walked off the air in a hissy-fit, now remembered
in news circles as Six Minutes of Black. I want
to be in front of the tube on the night Dan finally
implodes on the air, hopefully at the exact moment
Rocco's Roman jism explodes on one of his many pretty
and Rocco are both incontinent; one nightly spewing
predictable words in the air and the other churning
out predictable porn flicks. This is not a criticism,
since both audiences want predictability. At the
same time, viewers
want the envelope pushed a bit so they won't get
news has trouble doing this, trapped in the same
format, the same sound bites, the same blandness.
Porn is trapped in a hardcore box, amazingly blind
to the erotic dimension of sex. Concepts such as
foreplay or one man making love to a woman with
tenderness don't exist in modern porn. Instead,
porn is awash in gang bangs, gaping assholes, loads
of scummy jizz spurting between open red mouths,
and dicks diving deep into pussy dark as gravy.
I'm the odd man out here, but do you really get
turned on watching ten guys hose a chickie-poo?
Or to take a lighter example, the all-girl action
the Boys Aren't #14
from Vivid. Director Chi Chi LaRue runs Jenna, Chelsea,
Briana, Dayton, Raylene, Taylor, Kira, Dasha, and
Cheyenne through a series of double-teaming munchings
between peachlike orbs in a dyke bar where all the
girls appear to be resolutely heterosexual.
spankings, squirtings, toyings, and butt-pluggings
run nonstop, culminating with various combinations
of clam lips and regular lips panting on pool tables.
If I see one more porn flick with a scene on a pool
table, I might implode.
is the 14th vid in a series. I'm sure I saw a couple
the Boys Aren't episodes between #1 and #13,
but they haven't left an indelible impression on
the all-girl side of my porn reviewer's brain. Number
14 is neither terrible nor great. On a report card,
I'd give it a solid C. AVN gives it a better
rating; in fact, its best rating, five stars for
"perfect." Such an accolade, AVN continues,
"is an extremely rare honor bestowed on only a handful
of tapes each year. The sex has to be scalding from
the first frame to the last, the production values
stellar, and if it's a video feature, the script
and acting good enough for a mainstream movie."
me a break. Where the Boys Aren't ain't even
close. I have yet to see a porn film that is stellar,
and I'll be delighted to say so when a tape comes
across my desk, littered as it is with empty beer
bottles, peanut bags, and words. AVN is the
monthly trade publication for the porn industry,
so it cravenly pumps out glowing reviews of vids,
especially the product from big players in Porn
Valley like Vivid. (I did like the glowing-but-sassy
AVN review of Where the Boys Aren't by
Carly Milne. Check it out on adultvideonews.com.)
is off Kashmir now, uttering platitudes with deep
seriousness about the latest scoop on Catholic
priests banging their altar boys. Father Short
Eyes should have concentrated on gay porn instead
of real chickens. Dan cuts to a reporter in Dallas
who is interviewing some Bishop who talks about
the importance of forgiveness while Rocco reams
about a half-dozen porn rookies in his latest
vid. Rocco is off his game this time. In the opening
scene of Rocco
(Evil Angel), a blonde girl getting interviewed
is asked, "Are you from Poland?" What is the point
of highlighting London in a vid that opens with
a Polack joke? Indeed, merry old England is mentioned
only twice throughout the vid. It's all shot indoors
except for a few ten-second shots of red double
buses lumbering by. Might as well have called
it Rocco in Warsaw.
quick run-through of the hot moments:
asks the thong-clad Warsaw refugee if he can pee
in her mouth. "Yes, I guess so," she says matter-of-factly.
Thankfully, he does not. He sticks his cock in
her mouth in lieu of the urine train. She says
his cock is too big to swallow, but she tries.
to another blonde. Rocco puts his thumb up her
snatch. Her hand wraps around his turgid cock.
You get a good view of her tacky fake fingernails
which must have been made from the entrails of
Jews who were machine-gunned to death by the Nazis
during the uprising in the Warsaw ghetto. Cut
to third girl. Another blonde. Green eyes. Shaved
pussy. Possibly English. Tattoo of the name "Jake"
near her box. While she sucks off Rocco, he declares,
"English girls suck a different way." They do
not. So much for Rocco's English spin.
Italian girl pops up in our hard-core English
vid. Rocco and the girl converse in Italian, which
is the best part of the script, 'cause I can't
understand it. Cut again to a doll named Anushka
(typical English name, right?) who says "so rude"
to Rocco when he sticks his fingers up her sugar
walls twelve seconds after being introduced to
her. "So rude" is the memorable line in the script,
since it's the only thing in the vid that rings
much more slam-slam-slam...Rocco's buddy stuffs
a girl's panties into her mouth...and the always
uplifting spit-in-the-bitch's-dumper scenes...you
get the drift. Still, hope springs eternal in
the Jack Shack office. While Dan Rather is obsolete
and waiting around for Kenneth to turn up the
frequency, Rocco is a young, handsome Italian
stallion equipped with a hammer that could fuck
the craters of the moon. Word is he's working
on a BREAKTHROUGH project entitled Ass Collector,
which casts him as a cop trying to nab a mad scientist
who's been entering women's minds and capturing
their libidos. I look forward to seeing how Rocco
handles Dr. Freud.
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