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xmag.com : July 2002: The Jack Shack

I'm a twin-TV perv. I enjoy watching porn on one screen and the network news on the other. It livens up both screens. Dan Rather blabs on about Pakistanis and Native Indians of India preparing to nuke it out over Kashmir. Makes a good soundtrack for Rocco Siffredi, who is nuking nookie while his tie remains impeccably knotted on his dark-blue shirt. Rocco's nuking her in the ass with his pants down to his knees. I can't help but notice Rocco's and Rather's suits are almost identical, high-end men's wear, possibly Versace.

Dan Rather was an aggressive reporter back in the Watergate days. He drove Nixon up the wall. Those days are long-gone. Ever since Dan plopped his Texas ass down in the CBS anchor chair, his bite evaporated. No longer an aggressive reporter, he merely plays one on TV.

I like tuning in Dan 'cause he's so spooky. Strange things happen to him. In Chicago he got hijacked by a cabdriver over a dispute about the fare. Another time he got mugged by two guys who kept asking him, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" Then there was the week he signed off the air every night inexplicably with the word "courage." Best of all, the night he walked off the air in a hissy-fit, now remembered in news circles as Six Minutes of Black. I want to be in front of the tube on the night Dan finally implodes on the air, hopefully at the exact moment Rocco's Roman jism explodes on one of his many pretty targets.

Rather and Rocco are both incontinent; one nightly spewing predictable words in the air and the other churning out predictable porn flicks. This is not a criticism, since both audiences want predictability. At the same time, viewers
want the envelope pushed a bit so they won't get bored.

Network news has trouble doing this, trapped in the same format, the same sound bites, the same blandness. Porn is trapped in a hardcore box, amazingly blind to the erotic dimension of sex. Concepts such as foreplay or one man making love to a woman with tenderness don't exist in modern porn. Instead, porn is awash in gang bangs, gaping assholes, loads of scummy jizz spurting between open red mouths, and dicks diving deep into pussy dark as gravy.

Maybe I'm the odd man out here, but do you really get turned on watching ten guys hose a chickie-poo? Or to take a lighter example, the all-girl action in Where the Boys Aren't #14 from Vivid. Director Chi Chi LaRue runs Jenna, Chelsea, Briana, Dayton, Raylene, Taylor, Kira, Dasha, and Cheyenne through a series of double-teaming munchings between peachlike orbs in a dyke bar where all the girls appear to be resolutely heterosexual.

Fingerings, spankings, squirtings, toyings, and butt-pluggings run nonstop, culminating with various combinations of clam lips and regular lips panting on pool tables. If I see one more porn flick with a scene on a pool table, I might implode.

This is the 14th vid in a series. I'm sure I saw a couple of Where the Boys Aren't episodes between #1 and #13, but they haven't left an indelible impression on the all-girl side of my porn reviewer's brain. Number 14 is neither terrible nor great. On a report card, I'd give it a solid C. AVN gives it a better rating; in fact, its best rating, five stars for "perfect." Such an accolade, AVN continues, "is an extremely rare honor bestowed on only a handful of tapes each year. The sex has to be scalding from the first frame to the last, the production values stellar, and if it's a video feature, the script and acting good enough for a mainstream movie."

Give me a break. Where the Boys Aren't ain't even close. I have yet to see a porn film that is stellar, and I'll be delighted to say so when a tape comes across my desk, littered as it is with empty beer bottles, peanut bags, and words. AVN is the monthly trade publication for the porn industry, so it cravenly pumps out glowing reviews of vids, especially the product from big players in Porn Valley like Vivid. (I did like the glowing-but-sassy AVN review of Where the Boys Aren't by Carly Milne. Check it out on adultvideonews.com.)

Dan is off Kashmir now, uttering platitudes with deep seriousness about the latest scoop on Catholic priests banging their altar boys. Father Short Eyes should have concentrated on gay porn instead of real chickens. Dan cuts to a reporter in Dallas who is interviewing some Bishop who talks about the importance of forgiveness while Rocco reams about a half-dozen porn rookies in his latest vid. Rocco is off his game this time. In the opening scene of Rocco in London (Evil Angel), a blonde girl getting interviewed is asked, "Are you from Poland?" What is the point of highlighting London in a vid that opens with a Polack joke? Indeed, merry old England is mentioned only twice throughout the vid. It's all shot indoors except for a few ten-second shots of red double buses lumbering by. Might as well have called it Rocco in Warsaw.

A quick run-through of the hot moments:

Rocco asks the thong-clad Warsaw refugee if he can pee in her mouth. "Yes, I guess so," she says matter-of-factly. Thankfully, he does not. He sticks his cock in her mouth in lieu of the urine train. She says his cock is too big to swallow, but she tries.

Jump-cut to another blonde. Rocco puts his thumb up her snatch. Her hand wraps around his turgid cock. You get a good view of her tacky fake fingernails which must have been made from the entrails of Jews who were machine-gunned to death by the Nazis during the uprising in the Warsaw ghetto. Cut to third girl. Another blonde. Green eyes. Shaved pussy. Possibly English. Tattoo of the name "Jake" near her box. While she sucks off Rocco, he declares, "English girls suck a different way." They do not. So much for Rocco's English spin.

An Italian girl pops up in our hard-core English vid. Rocco and the girl converse in Italian, which is the best part of the script, 'cause I can't understand it. Cut again to a doll named Anushka (typical English name, right?) who says "so rude" to Rocco when he sticks his fingers up her sugar walls twelve seconds after being introduced to her. "So rude" is the memorable line in the script, since it's the only thing in the vid that rings true.

There's much more slam-slam-slam...Rocco's buddy stuffs a girl's panties into her mouth...and the always uplifting spit-in-the-bitch's-dumper scenes...you get the drift. Still, hope springs eternal in the Jack Shack office. While Dan Rather is obsolete and waiting around for Kenneth to turn up the frequency, Rocco is a young, handsome Italian stallion equipped with a hammer that could fuck the craters of the moon. Word is he's working on a BREAKTHROUGH project entitled Ass Collector, which casts him as a cop trying to nab a mad scientist who's been entering women's minds and capturing their libidos. I look forward to seeing how Rocco handles Dr. Freud.




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