RACIST STAND-UP ACT
What a splendid word. The way it rolls off the tongue
and floats through the air like a super-shiny bubble.
It's the cherry on my sundae, the gas in my tank, and
the watermelon flavor in my forty-ounce of malt liquor.
little Spics resting their soil-colored skin on pillows
made of cactus. Smiling dancing blackies, their lips red
with the juice of watermelons and
nothing else, I love it on a purely comic level.
There is nothing funnier to me than a good nigger joke
(unless it's a rape joke), and goddamn it if that fun
can't be compounded. I recently did a stand-up comedy
routine at LA's infamous Chuckle Den in defense
of my favorite
subject. Here are the transcripts, dear readers. If I
left out your favorite minority group, feel free to e-mail
me at email@example.com so I can include
them in the fun.
folks! I just flew in from New York, and boy are my arms
tired! No, really, folks...So on the way here, they showed
one of those in-flight films...it was a Sidney Poitier
movie....the one where he overcomes people's perceptions
of his skin color and cultural background. You know the
one, right? Great actor, that guy! Come on--aren't there
any nigger-lovers in the audience? Is this thing on?
so I just read this book by Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan
called Shadows of our Forgotten Ancestors, and
in it there were some pretty interesting facts. In one
chapter, they explained how chimps perform oral sex on
each other. Wild. I mean black men don't even do that
for their partners. Unless they're gay, of course.
I don't want you guys to think I'm not tolerant of other
people's beliefs. I even tried the whole lesbian thing
once. I was with this Cuban girl and was trying to go
down on her...you know...share problems...but I could
not tell the difference between her vagina and her anus!
shout from the audience: "That's dark, man!"]
That's what I told her!
I live in Albuquerque, New Mexico, now. In this city,
Native Americans, or as I like to call them, "red-skinned
carriers of disease," are as sacred to the white New Age
victors as the itty-bitty baby Jesus is to kid-cock-sucking
priests and heavy-handed nuns. Cafes with names like Corn
Dance and Smallpox Blanket litter the streets like, well,
drunken Indians. It's really so cute the way the redskins
sit on sidewalks conning lard-sculptures-with-legs to
buy strings of semiprecious stones. They're kind of like
dogs who can talk. They can talk Mexican, anyway.
before I lived here, I was in New York...nice city. By
default, if you live there for more than three months,
you become Jewish. The Jews are great, though; it's easy
to like them because they never get in the way, you know.
They're always inside of banks counting money 'til their
sight fails and their hands turn red. The real good thing
about that is you can sneak up on them easily and commit
a hate crime 'cuz they can't see you coming. But the people
there have a good sense of humor. I saw one woman wearing
a T-shirt that said My Husband Died In 9/11 And All
I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt and yet another read,
At least you got a T-shirt--all that bastard left me
was a whitefish smear! Those crazy Jews!
this point in the performance, we hear someone knock over
a table, feminine screams, and a glass crash to the floor.
The only words that are audible are "offensive" and "deserve."
The author of this column is in the hospital until further
notice. Donations can be sent via PayPal to the "Let a
Racist Walk Again" fund at firstname.lastname@example.org.