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xmag.com : November 2002: The Cum-Hungry Genius

Last month we learned that DebraJean was hospitalized after an attempt on her life was made at the Chuckle Den comedy club during her performance. She was admitted to Schwartzberg General Hospital in Los Angeles in serious condition. It's been a month of healing, and our heroine is still bedridden in the Misery Factory but is now in stable condition. She has taken time for us in between slipping in and out of a coma to answer some of her fan mail in lieu of her usual stunning political commentary.

 

Dear DebraJean: As an American Eskimo, I was personally outraged by last month's column, "My Racist Stand-Up Act." Just who do you think you are? I would personally come down to Portland in my fancy sports car to kick your little behind all over the streets, but I've put on so much weight in the past few years to keep out the cold that I'm stuck in my igloo. Bitch! --Kel-C P.

Wow! Stuck in your igloo...that's harsh. Why bother with the car, I'm sure you won't be able to fit into that either, you sweaty-faced Ice Gook. --djd

 

DJ: Your portrayal of blacks as insensitive lovers was not just racist in the worst way but also ridiculous. I eat my Nubian Queen's Chocolate Salmon Birthday Cake almost every night...even when it's covered in cherry sauce. --Tyrone

Tyrone, I'm proud of you for taking a stand on something that has been a problem for your race since you crawled out of the swamps. Rah! --djd

 

Cum-Hungry Cunt: You're a complete piece of shit. Even a magazine as reprehensible as Exotic should know better than to put that racist drivel in between their pages. You should know that racialism is the worst crime that can be committed. Worse than forced amputation, worse than hit-and-run auto attacks on bicyclists, and even worse than violence against women. I hope that you get raped by a gang of roving street blacks and contract the AIDS all up inside of you. --Moral Human

I'm sure I will, as soon as I regain the strength to walk. --djd

 

Mrs. Danger: How dare you leave Samoans out of your tirade? The only way Samoans will ever receive the respect that other...and may I say lesser...races find in abundance is if you include us in your insults. The Samoans are an ancient and mighty race and deserve the attention of people like you.
--The Samoan Love Rocket

Well, here it goes...I'm sorry...awww...I just can't do it...y'all big fat Islanders are so jolly, I can't help but love you. --djd

 

DebraJean: You have the blood of every race-related crime on your hands.
--M.T.

Your writing stuns me. Elegance with such a stunning economy of words. I am proud to have you writing to me. --djd

 

DJD: I have never been a victim of racism but feel very strongly about the subject. I don't know if you comprehend what you are doing. You are fueling a fire of hate, spicing a stew of ignorance, and frosting a cake of intolerance. Your words have meaning, and the meaning is not always what you intended. Every person has feelings, and you should learn to respect them. Or some day you might turn colored. --Rachel Burns

A mighty fighting prospect indeed...turning colored. God would reach down out of the sky and brush his palm over my forehead, searching for the fever of racism and turn me into a hunchbacked mystery mudslide of a person. A romantic idea, indeed. --djd

 

DebraJean: I know where you live and I'm coming to kill you. You deserve to be shot. You aren't even a woman; your uterus will rot out between your legs. --The Avenger

Do you think you could tell me the exact day that this whole rotting and killing thing will happen? The reason I ask is because I sit with a sewing circle every third Thursday, and this time around we are using my living room.
--djd


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