: November 2002: I Hate Sex
old limp-dicks have been traditionally just that--LIMP,
and unable to seduce nubile young women. But modern
science has created a monster in Viagra, and this
accursed pill has turned the natural order of things
topsy-turvy! As a fertile young female in the prime
of my childbearing age, I should be out banging horny
young hardbodies, having their potent, life-creating
jism shot deep into my internal pockets so that I
can in turn spawn an array of milk-sucking progeny.
Instead, the lure of money and the evil invention
of Viagra have teamed up to chain me to the bed of
a wealthy-but-wizened shriveled prune way past his
glory days, and way past any sort of reproductive
ability. The very survival of America is at stake
here! And that should set off alarm bells in all of
us--for who would want to threaten the existence of
America? You guessed it...
evil party behind Viagra
is none other than the global Muslim terrorist network
al-Qaeda! By keeping America's aging rich men erect
and ready to perform, nefarious Islamic scientists
have ensured that young American womanhood will be
lured away from the beds of poor-but-virile young
Patriots. Tempted by fur coats and diamond tennis
bracelets, the Mothers of the Race will waste away
their fertile years absorbing the lifeless sperm of
the resurrected dead, thus depleting future ranks
of terrorist-killing young bucks. Once all the American
males have died out, the Islamic extremists will move
in and take over the sexual duties...and the world!
an evil plan, but one of genius. And believe me, as
an American Patriot, I'm trying to thwart it!
week my billionaire sugar daddy rolled into town,
tempting me with offers of expensive wine, thick steaks,
stacks of casino chips, and wads of freshly minted
Benjamins. I thought of God and Country, and knew
I should say no--if I joined him for dinner, it would
all lead back to one thing...sex! You see, though
he is old and decrepit, thanks to al-Qaeda's Viagra,
his dead organ can be brought back to life. That zombie
dick would pin me down and keep me from going out
and propagating the race, like I would normally be
doing on a Saturday night!
I hadn't had a swanky meal in ages, and the rent was
due...so I decided to join him for dinner. But no
more than that! After all, America was counting on
me. All through the meal I waged a covert campaign
to incapacitate my date--unable to get my hands on
any Roofies, I instead plied him with glass after
glass of wine, several cocktails, and rich, heavy
foods. I dragged my ass so that the hour was very
late by the time we finished, and to my secret glee,
by dinner's end he was yawning openly. He stumbled
back to the hotel room and barely made it to the bed,
where he passed out cold. Excelsior! I could now sneak
out and go about my hot-blooded young business.
the evening had exhausted me, and I sprawled out beside
him for a quick nap. In my fatigue I had made a tactical
blunder--I'd forgotten to go in and flush his Viagra
down the toilet! Thus it was that I was awakened at
6am by the sound of pills rattling in the bathroom.
Seconds later an excitedly wheezing bulk heaved beneath
the sheets beside me, and the battle was lost. Curses!!
I surrendered once again to the evil of al-Qaeda--but
I swore to myself that it would be the last time.
there's only one way to fight these terrorists--using
their own tactics! The next time that rich old fucker
lures me to his bed, I'll be ready. If a Palestinian
teenager can strap a bomb to his back and run into
a crowded pizza parlor, I can surely rig some sort
of vaginal explosive. That way I'll go down in a blaze
of glory, and I'll take out my partner, too. Which
will mean one less rich zombie dick to distract White
womanhood. And which will help to ensure the future
of the Nation.
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