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xmag.com : November 2002: I Hate Sex

Wealthy old limp-dicks have been traditionally just that--LIMP,
and unable to seduce nubile young women. But modern science has created a monster in Viagra, and this accursed pill has turned the natural order of things topsy-turvy! As a fertile young female in the prime
of my childbearing age, I should be out banging horny young hardbodies, having their potent, life-creating jism shot deep into my internal pockets so that I can in turn spawn an array of milk-sucking progeny. Instead, the lure of money and the evil invention of Viagra have teamed up to chain me to the bed of a wealthy-but-wizened shriveled prune way past his glory days, and way past any sort of reproductive ability. The very survival of America is at stake here! And that should set off alarm bells in all of us--for who would want to threaten the existence of America? You guessed it...

The evil party behind Viagra
is none other than the global Muslim terrorist network
al-Qaeda! By keeping America's aging rich men erect and ready to perform, nefarious Islamic scientists have ensured that young American womanhood will be lured away from the beds of poor-but-virile young Patriots. Tempted by fur coats and diamond tennis bracelets, the Mothers of the Race will waste away their fertile years absorbing the lifeless sperm of the resurrected dead, thus depleting future ranks of terrorist-killing young bucks. Once all the American males have died out, the Islamic extremists will move in and take over the sexual duties...and the world!

It's an evil plan, but one of genius. And believe me, as an American Patriot, I'm trying to thwart it!

Last week my billionaire sugar daddy rolled into town, tempting me with offers of expensive wine, thick steaks, stacks of casino chips, and wads of freshly minted Benjamins. I thought of God and Country, and knew I should say no--if I joined him for dinner, it would all lead back to one thing...sex! You see, though he is old and decrepit, thanks to al-Qaeda's Viagra, his dead organ can be brought back to life. That zombie dick would pin me down and keep me from going out and propagating the race, like I would normally be doing on a Saturday night!

But I hadn't had a swanky meal in ages, and the rent was due...so I decided to join him for dinner. But no more than that! After all, America was counting on me. All through the meal I waged a covert campaign to incapacitate my date--unable to get my hands on any Roofies, I instead plied him with glass after glass of wine, several cocktails, and rich, heavy foods. I dragged my ass so that the hour was very late by the time we finished, and to my secret glee, by dinner's end he was yawning openly. He stumbled back to the hotel room and barely made it to the bed, where he passed out cold. Excelsior! I could now sneak out and go about my hot-blooded young business.

But the evening had exhausted me, and I sprawled out beside him for a quick nap. In my fatigue I had made a tactical blunder--I'd forgotten to go in and flush his Viagra down the toilet! Thus it was that I was awakened at 6am by the sound of pills rattling in the bathroom. Seconds later an excitedly wheezing bulk heaved beneath the sheets beside me, and the battle was lost. Curses!! I surrendered once again to the evil of al-Qaeda--but I swore to myself that it would be the last time.

Because there's only one way to fight these terrorists--using their own tactics! The next time that rich old fucker lures me to his bed, I'll be ready. If a Palestinian teenager can strap a bomb to his back and run into a crowded pizza parlor, I can surely rig some sort of vaginal explosive. That way I'll go down in a blaze of glory, and I'll take out my partner, too. Which will mean one less rich zombie dick to distract White womanhood. And which will help to ensure the future of the Nation.

God Bless America!






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