too long ago I was offered a gig modeling for a
beer ad. When my agent friend Amy called with the
news, I saw dollar signs big as kegs. I prayed it
wasn't one of those dumbass billboards where there
are several inebriated women obviously horny for
the guy with the bottle.
money would be darn good...
TOTALLY UP YOUR ALLEY," she chimed on the phone.
The slogan is, 'Bad Girls Like Good Beer.' Doesn't
that sound cool?"
What's the scene?
they LOVED your look, your tattoos...is your hair
what's the ad gonna look like?
sailed into her hard-sell mode where she'll sell
you a hot lump of shit in a coffee can as if it
were just the most perfect-est thing EVER!!!
the scene is a big party, at a school, right, and
you're dressed all hot, looking around a dorm room
with another hot chick...you both have a beer in
she sang on, in the foreground is a good-looking
college guy smirking into the camera, and HE has
a beer, too...Hello? Hellooo?"
pretended not to hear me. "The guy who'll be in
the ad is the producer; he's super hooked-up."
Sorry. No fucking way.
a bit of back-and-forth, she knew it was a no-go.
I thanked her for the offer and said goodbye. I
was offended she even considered snapping pictures
of me in such a pedestrian date-rape promo ad. Forget
the money, I'm way too uppity to look that common
in a national ad campaign. If I'm gonna look like
a dumb slut, it'll be a private affair.
get me wrong. I love beer. I'm not a big drinker,
but as simple pleasures go, super cold, yummy beer
chasing down some greasy takeout just plain rules.
I'm a Nike-wearin', carnivorous, white het'ro-WASP,
and I used to smoke the hell out of Camels when
fuzzy-pitted feminists everywhere were screaming
to boycott them because Joe Camel was really a cartoon
cock spreading a cartoon pussy. I like my smokes,
burgers, and beer because they taste good. Period.
of taste and politics, however, those beer ads annoy
the piss out of me. A man holding one bottle, usually
in a cocklike fashion, points at a couple of super
hot girls (or twin sisters who are naturally horny
for each other). The girls always outnumber the
guy, and the images suggest that underwear model
types who spy you drinking the same crappy swill
that they're drinking will get all wet and bi-curious,
wriggle out of their tank tops and demand sex as
if the night was a Girls Gone Wild episode
about to happen. Right.
was pissed that I lost money over my stupid code
of ethics. Then, as I stewed about it all, I realized
I should write my own damn ad so that the slogan
fits. Here are just a few that I've come up with:
GIRLS LIKE GOOD BEER:
the scene: The Bush Twins, after having stomped
the piss out of the Olsen twins in Nude Tapioca
Wrestling, pour beer all over each other and make
Pro wrestler Chyna winks at the camera clinking
a beer bottle in a cheeky salud! to a big
jar that has her former penis floating in formaldehyde.
Roseanne Barr, dressed as Batman, positions her
hulking body over the face of a frat boy who's dressed
up as Robin. Her head is thrown back in a haughty
laugh. She's pouring a beer into her open yob. The
boy's head is wedged between the pork of her thighs,
and he's crying.
are just a handful; I got a million of 'em, most
of which end with the man crying. I've sent 'em
in to the beer companies to try and win them over
to my way of thinking. So far I've had no reply,
but I'm sure someone in their camp's got to have
a lick of sense. I can wait.