Exotic Magazine: Nuclear Moron: April 2003

The correct pronunciation: "noo-KLEE-er."

Instead, the dumb fuck says: "nuke-YA-ler."

He keeps saying nuke-ya-ler, nuke-ya-ler, nuke-ya-ler. Gotta stop Saddam from developing nuke-ya-ler weapons. Gotta prevent North Korea from building its first nuke-ya-ler bomb.

Common sense would seem to dictate that a person shouldn't have the power to start a nuclear war if they can't even PRONOUNCE THE
FUCKING WORD "NUCLEAR." Is that so crazy?

OK, here's a rule:
If you're going to pretend to be an EXPERT on something, you'd do well to at least master
the BASIC TERMINOLOGY.

Would you buy a pair of sneakers from someone who called them "sneak-ya-lers?"

Would you buy a hamburger from someone who called it a "ham-burg-ya-ler?"

Would you give an Academy Award for Best Performance by an "Act-ya-ler?"

According to an online dictionary, "nuke-ya-ler" is one of our language's 100 most frequently mispronounced words, alongside eternal annoyances such as "expresso," "volumptuous," and "supposably." Two of my all-time-most-hated phonetic blunders, "intrical" (integral) and "westrin" (western) didn't make the list, but "nuke-ya-ler" did, and nothing grates on my nerves worse than nuke-ya-ler.

But in this case, it's much more than a simple mispronunciation. It speaks of a horrifying ignorance previously unimagined. George W. Bush, the man whose uncontrolled-but-unwarranted ego may bring about the end of the world, will do this ol' world a tremendous disservice by MISPRONOUNCING its demise.

I mean, it's not like it's a foreign word. It's not like nuclear policy isn't part of his job. He has his hand on the button, and he can't

say "nuclear" properly.

It scares the shit out of me. Really--the shit's just hanging out of my ass and trailing all over the floor.

This is much scarier than when Dan Quayle, handpicked by G.W. Bush's daddy to be Vice President, couldn't spell "potato."

And just like bumbling retardo Quayle, our big-eared Commander in Chief didn't get as far as he did in life through merit. He got there through inheritance and connections and a terrifyingly soulless dissociation from the grave
matters he's entrusted to handle.

If it was really a free market, and if America really rewarded merit instead of inherited wealth, a screaming mediocrity such as G.W. Bush would be working in a rock quarry somewhere. He's really that dumb.

Motherfucker didn't even win the election. Greasy plastic lizard Al Gore snagged more votes than Bush...Al Gore, yet another millionaire. Name one major presidential candidate EVER who wasn't one.

Somewhere in Cleveland, there's a young black kid who didn't vote for Bush and who will never be a millionaire and who will go DIE in the Middle East to make the world safe for millionaires such as Bush.

Maybe that silver spoon in G.W.'s mouth is making him mispronounce things.

He'd say that since I'm so critical of him, I'm supporting terrorism by default. WRONG AGAIN, Doodles Weaver. Despite Saddam Hussein's guerrilla chic, he's just another child of insane wealth like you. I'm down on ALL power-hungry rich kids.

But especially DUMB ones.

All that George Jr.'s presidency has proven thus far is that you can be dumb as a tree stump and do mountains of cocaine, and you can STILL become president if you're rich as fuck and willing to tell lies while smiling.

I'm sure he's a nice guy once you get to know him. I just think the little spoiled bitch should fight his own fights.

If you want to start a war, Rich Boy, then get right up there on the front lines. Saddle up to one of those nuke-ya-ler bombs and ride it yourself, tuff guy.

For all the shit he talks about "national security," he ain't protecting anyone but himself. He's gambling with every life but his own. Punk pussy got a deferment FROM Vietnam while my brother got malaria IN Vietnam. And now the Silver Spoon Cowboy wants to send more young Americans-almost all of them poor or working-class--to go DIE DIE DIE because his feelings were hurt that the hairy Ay-rabs don't like his daddy much.

He felt his dad was unfairly dissed by Saddam, and so he's willing, brave man that he is, to waste THOUSANDS of American lives--as long as it isn't his own life--to get revenge.

You remember his daddy. He's the one who pronounced it "SODOM" Hussein.