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xmag.com : May 2003 : I Love Las Vegas

If it wasn't for my ass, I sure as hell wouldn't be here right now. I owe it all to my butt, and this is a monumental confession, considering ten years ago I hated it so much that I told my mother it was unjust to breed and curse a kid with wide child-bearing hips and strong round buttocks. Then I tried to kill myself the traditional teenage way--anorexia--and damn near succeeded.
I was a total tomboy. I wanted to play football and punk rock, not be ogled by my algebra teacher and wear eye shadow. My ass kept getting in the way! I tried hard to hide it in extra large skateboard t-shirts and dad's sweaters, but still guys came sniffin' around, saying that there was something in my walk, in my very carriage, that was so sensual, cocksure and come hither... something that screamed sex. It was my ass. God damn it!
My family are all athletes. We have big strong Norwegian butts that have kicked ass all the way to the Olympics and the NFL. One favorite tale at the Las Vegas dinner table is how baby brother needed a shot in the ass, and Doc's needle broke on his muscular glute! Big strong Norwegian butts.
Well, I HATED mine. I wasted away to ninety pounds and fainted climbing stairs, yet ran ten miles a day. Still it was there. I've got wide hip bones which cannot be altered. My ass fucking followed me everywhere, threatening to kill me as I tried to kill it. This went on for years. Until I was SAVED by STRIPPING!!
There are many who claim that stripping is empowering, allowing women control over their sexuality and the male gaze. I agree 100%. It is also empowering and liberating to learn that men/ women/ society don't really believe what fashion magazines preach, i.e., that thin, androgynous, mutant-tall women are the definition of female beauty.
Imagine my surprise when, several years ago when I was a newbie, some young hot guy at the rack exclaimed that my ass was the best thing he'd seen in Portland, that watching it was "like fireworks going off." I was floored. An epiphany. My ass was an asset! Guys loved it...and paid for it. Who cares if less self-assured chicks still snicker oh-my-god-look-at-her-butt. That's their fashion-victim problem. Meanwhile I get compliments all the time that I must be half black, that my butt is the best in town, etc., etc. I've even come to refer to it, half-jokingly, as my best feature. Stripping allowed me to accept my ass.
Sometimes I still feel like there's a monkey on my back. It's not a tomboy butt. It's an inherently sexualized, überfeminine accessory that I never would have chosen to adorn myself with. But heck, look where it got me. I've got a lovely career in the performing arts and edit fabulous Exotic Magazine, which lets me do just about whatever I want. Like for instance this ALL-ASS ISSUE!!
SCARED OF CHAKA ALERT!!! Broadcast Oblivian, featuring members of Scared of Chaka and the Murder City Devils will be playing at Dante's on May 15th with the Makers and My Regrets. Word is Broadcast Oblivian is Seattle's hottest new act. OF COURSE THEY ARE. See you there.







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