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xmag.com : June 2003: What's Your Fucking Problem?

"Show me yer TITS!!!"
A common exclamation familiar to every girl, strippers and non-strippers alike, usually from an infrequently laid dipwad in the back of a bar or in a passing vehicle. We've all come across the type--the mouthy loser who has no friends but buys the beer so people hang out with him. Thankfully, not all boys let their mouths pop off all frat house style.....but most men THINK it. Bottom line, boys love boobs.
I won't get into all of the Freudian mumbo jumbo of why.....otherwise I'd have to talk about Mom, and if you're looking at this magazine, Mom shouldn't enter into it. Let's just say everybody loves boobs, big and small, but mostly big.
Enter Doctor Karl Wustrack. He loves big boobs, his mom, and has NEVER hollered at girls from his car. Dr. Wustrack is one of the highest client-recommended plastic surgeons in the area, and the creator of some of the finest tip-earning ta-tas in Multnomah County and beyond. He's been pumping up cup sizes for more than twenty years, and though he says strippers make up less than half of his clientele these days, his artistry is bouncing around and earning big bucks in over half the clubs in Portland. The good Doctor was kind enough to meet with me and fill me in on filling 'em up.
Now, I've seen Discovery Channel and all the extreme makeover stuff where the girl looks kinda normal afterwards and her titties look real and she's just sooooooooo happy with her brand new life. O.K....so what's up with the fucked-up walleyed tupperware you see all greased-up and be-glittered at the rack and in porno movies? According to Dr. Wustrack there are some basic guidelines to follow in order to gain the best results from breast augmentation surgery, i.e. realistic looking and feeling breasts. So if you're wanting a boobjob, read on.
Implants are squishy discs that go in empty and get filled with saline when they're in place. They're placed either in the breast itself (behind all your booby junk) or, more commonly, under the muscle wall. The latter generally achieves better results, according to the doctor. Though they can go into your body several ways, the preferred incision is under the aureola (the darker skin 'round the nipples) or under the crease of the breast. You should discuss with your doctor where you feel the scar from the incision will be best concealed on your body, as well as how big you want to go. Also, implants have different textures and shapes as well as sizes. Textured implants have a rough appearance, like they've been scuffed up. The thought behind the textured implant is that they tend to stay put and supposedly decrease the instances of capsular contracture (scar tissue build-up within the muscle wall surrounding the implants, making boobs feel super hard or even look deformed). Dr. Wustrack explained that although textured implants may have some benefits, they have a higher instance of leakage. He rec
ommends the smooth, glassy looking ones. Anatomical (teardrop shaped) implants sound like an obvious alternative to the usual circular ones, but the good Doctor explained that when placed in the snug pocket cut into your muscle wall, round and teardrop implants achieve the same result.
Another very important thing to consider is your body type. Though every type can get a realistic looking rack, the best body for new boobs is someone with some breast tissue and a wee bit of sag. For once here's an instance where girls with some meat on them have the upper hand. If you're a petite, thin type with small, tight boobies, you'll have a problem going too big and keeping it real(istic). You shouldn't go up more than one cup size or you could end up with two cantaloupe halves set upon your spindly ribcage. Stop crying and go have a sandwich, skinny.
An easy thing to forget when considering buying some new boobs is that augmentation mammaplasty is major surgery. Expect to be in huge amounts of pain. Pain. Not sore, like doing too many sit-ups. Real "Oh my God it feels like someone chopped into my chest meat and pumped a big, bagel sized foreign object into the bloody gash and stitched me up again. God I feel ....pretty!" pain. Don't be a hero when the doctor asks you your preference for pain medicine....go for the good smack. Avoid ibuprofen for a couple of weeks; it can cause bleeding. Depending on your vocation, you can expect to be laid up for a week. If you're healing nicely, you can resume more physical activities in a couple of weeks. That means sex, stripping, boxing or doing the log toss. You won't really want to use your upper body for much anyway, other than to prop yourself up on pillows, moaning in pain and begging for drugs.
Two days or so after surgery you need to commence your breast massaging routine. This keeps circulation going in the pocket that holds the implant and prevents too much scar tissue from building up. From what I understand, this is the last thing you want to do two days after surgery, but it's a very important part of aftercare, says the Doctor. It's the best way to get the implants to settle behind your natural boobs and start looking and feeling soft and pliable.
Remember that when you're healing from all this, it may look like you got face, sternum and collarbone implants as well. Have you ever seen the shiny, swollen chests of girls showin' off their big ticket items too soon? Post-op swelling is normal and can even last a couple months, but if you didn't go too big, you massage every day and do what the doctor says, your implants will drop into place and it'll only be for others to wonder if they're real and to say, "Show me your TITS!!"
Demi Mondaine wants to see YOUR tits at Exotic's BOOB JOB CONTEST. See Erotic City for details.
To get more information about breast augmentation and to see before and after photos, go to www.lookingyourbest.com or www.implantforum.com.





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