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xmag.com : July 2003 : I Love Las Vegas

Just got back from New York City, the "greatest city on Earth." It's still pretty great, but like the sun that falls into the New Jersey wastelands every night, New York's star seems to be on the wane.
The "terrorists" who brought down the WTC and the American economy may well have been foils for the Republican right. I am not opposed to the conspiracy theory that the Bush Clan masterminded this whole debacle, especially when I witness the ubiquitous mind controls being put in place in a city that is supposedly the Gateway to Freedom. It's turning into a high-class prison state, its psychological terrain not unlike Snake Pliskin's Manhattan in Escape from New York.
Since the last time I was in NYC four months ago, rent control has been abolished and rent stabilization has come under fire, an 8.5% tax has been levied on clothing, the subway fare has increased a whopping 33%, there are armed police at every subway station, setting your purse/ shopping bag/ book on the seat next to you on an empty subway has become a ticketable offense, there's NO SMOKING in bars (no one thought New Yorkers would fall for this; they have) and you can no longer sit on the stoop of your apartment building or on a crate in front of your bodega. Seriously! The Daily News recently ran a cover story on a seven-months-pregnant woman who was ticketed by the police for resting in front of her manicure shop. Needless to say, you still can't see a naked woman while enjoying an alcoholic beverage in the Naked City.
It's a completely different New York. People seem downtrodden and beleaguered. It feels to me like a big fuckin' preschool--everyone still trying to play, but following rules meant to keep four year olds from overturning the fish tank. It fucking sucks.
My Burroughs-esque writer friend--a lifelong New Yorker--has taken to flouting the laws whenever possible. He used to be discreet about where he snorted his heroin. No longer. He brings a bag and snorts it right at the bar. He chain smokes until he's kicked out. He talks about SEX and FREEDOM and even publicly advises that the "terrorists" blow up Hollywood next. "If they're lucky, they'll hit the San Andreas Fault and the entire West Coast will fall into the drink!"
You should do the same.
There are new regulations regarding "Lewd Activities," defined as "sexual intercourse, masturbation and rubbing, stimulating or touching of the genitals, whether covered or uncovered." These new regulations do not say that you cannot touch YOURSELF in a lewd manner. It says merely that no one may touch another's genitals, pubic area, buttocks or female (specified--hello, discrimination!) breasts. Still, the OLCC has been awfully busy lately, harassing and ticketing strip bars all over town when dancers touch their stuff.
The OLCC enforces myriad vaguely-defined laws, and it's always their call whether or not you're breaking the law. If you want to be safe, don't go to bars, and better to keep your bra and panties, jeans, socks, hats, mittens ON.
So, what I am asking you, American to American, is to full on fuck yourself under the watchful eyes of the law. Stick a fist where the sun don't shine, and stick it to The Man in the process. This is all such hypocritical bullshit, and if we fall in line, Portland will soon be another Escape-From-New York. It is your DUTY to masturbate publicly. Remember, one law is just a prelude to another law. If we don't start yelling FUCK YOU when they start fucking with us, we'll be legislated back into burkas before we know it.
So put on your reddest lipstick and practice in the mirror. Everybody!
If they try to fuck you back, call Alex Hamalian, the "punk rock lawyer," at 503-222-3641. He may be a lecherous asshole (he is a lawyer), but he says he will fight these cases FOR FREE. Plus he is kinda hot--in a lecherous asshole sorta way.





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