got back from New York City, the "greatest
city on Earth." It's still pretty great,
but like the sun that falls into the New
Jersey wastelands every night, New York's
star seems to be on the wane.
The "terrorists" who brought down the WTC
and the American economy may well have been
foils for the Republican right. I am not
opposed to the conspiracy theory that the
Bush Clan masterminded this whole debacle,
especially when I witness the ubiquitous
mind controls being put in place in a city
that is supposedly the Gateway to Freedom.
It's turning into a high-class prison state,
its psychological terrain not unlike Snake
Pliskin's Manhattan in Escape from New
Since the last time I was in NYC four months
ago, rent control has been abolished and
rent stabilization has come under fire,
an 8.5% tax has been levied on clothing,
the subway fare has increased a whopping
33%, there are armed police at every subway
station, setting your purse/ shopping bag/
book on the seat next to you on an empty
subway has become a ticketable offense,
there's NO SMOKING in bars (no one thought
New Yorkers would fall for this; they have)
and you can no longer sit on the stoop of
your apartment building or on a crate in
front of your bodega. Seriously! The Daily
News recently ran a cover story on a
seven-months-pregnant woman who was ticketed
by the police for resting in front of her
manicure shop. Needless to say, you still
can't see a naked woman while enjoying an
alcoholic beverage in the Naked City.
It's a completely different New York. People
seem downtrodden and beleaguered. It feels
to me like a big fuckin' preschool--everyone
still trying to play, but following rules
meant to keep four year olds from overturning
the fish tank. It fucking sucks.
WE MUST NOT LET THIS HAPPEN IN PORTLAND.
My Burroughs-esque writer friend--a lifelong
New Yorker--has taken to flouting the laws
whenever possible. He used to be discreet
about where he snorted his heroin. No longer.
He brings a bag and snorts it right at the
bar. He chain smokes until he's kicked out.
He talks about SEX and FREEDOM and even
publicly advises that the "terrorists" blow
up Hollywood next. "If they're lucky, they'll
hit the San Andreas Fault and the entire
West Coast will fall into the drink!"
You should do the same.
There are new regulations regarding "Lewd
Activities," defined as "sexual intercourse,
masturbation and rubbing, stimulating or
touching of the genitals, whether covered
or uncovered." These new regulations do
not say that you cannot touch YOURSELF in
a lewd manner. It says merely that no one
may touch another's genitals, pubic area,
buttocks or female (specified--hello,
discrimination!) breasts. Still, the OLCC
has been awfully busy lately, harassing
and ticketing strip bars all over town when
dancers touch their stuff.
The OLCC enforces myriad vaguely-defined
laws, and it's always their call whether
or not you're breaking the law. If you want
to be safe, don't go to bars, and better
to keep your bra and panties, jeans, socks,
hats, mittens ON.
So, what I am asking you, American to American,
is to full on fuck yourself under the watchful
eyes of the law. Stick a fist where the
sun don't shine, and stick it to The Man
in the process. This is all such hypocritical
bullshit, and if we fall in line, Portland
will soon be another Escape-From-New York.
It is your DUTY to masturbate publicly.
Remember, one law is just a prelude to another
law. If we don't start yelling FUCK YOU
when they start fucking with us, we'll be
legislated back into burkas before we know
So put on your reddest lipstick and practice
in the mirror. Everybody!
If they try to fuck you back, call Alex
Hamalian, the "punk rock lawyer," at 503-222-3641.
He may be a lecherous asshole (he is
a lawyer), but he says he will fight these
cases FOR FREE. Plus he is kinda hot--in
a lecherous asshole sorta way.