Exotic Magazine Online Uncovering adult entertainment online since 1993
xmag.com : September 2003 : I Love Las Vegas

It is sooo nice outside. Everybody at Exotic is slacking (except of course Bobby). My column was due yesterday. I gotta write it, but all I want to do is play at the river. What to do? What I always do in a fix: SPANISH COFFEE. And a cigarette.
Usually this means I go to Huber's with my notebook and pen and let them get my juices flowing. But they recently were required by the Multnomah Health Department to forbid smoking until 11PM because they allow minors until that time. So I find myself sitting lugubriously at the Steak and Chophouse, smoking a cigarette I bummed from Severina (who smokes professionally) and drinking the worst Spanish coffee in town (great whipped cream, though). It's a hotel and as such is completely uninspiring. The requisite Sinatra stuff plays on the sound system. Ironically, Frank's singing "When Smoke Gets in Your Eyes," which gets stuck in my head, creating a soundtrack for this column. I ask for my check before my cigarette's even done. And scamper off to Huber's.
I love smoking. It's a very sensuous pleasure. I like the mild speedy high, but mostly I like how breath manifests itself as smoke. Suddenly you can SEE people's words, thoughts, life. It's so sexy. I love the taste of a guy who's had some bourbon and a few smokes. Hell, it's patriotic! Virginia tobacco, Kentucky bourbon, American boy.... yum! Tobacco is an indigenous herb, used for centuries by American natives for ceremonial and medicinal purposes. As it is today: medicine, pleasure.
So naturally the possibility of a smoking ban in Oregon bars has got me pissed. Really really pissed. It stinks to high heaven of hypocrisy and liberals-know-best. Yeah, they did it in Cali--one good reason why we shouldn't! Yeah, they did it in NYC... and bars went out of business within months. I dig the platform that defends bar workers' right to breathe clean air. What about their right to have a job? Bars EXIST because of people's choice to indulge in things that are bad for them.
Sure, smoking's not great for you. But the studies linking cigarettes with lung cancer and heart disease have been recently reported to be all-but-fatuous by the New England Journal of Medicine. If you have a weak constitution, smoking cigarettes will exacerbate it. But it doesn't directly cause these debilitating diseases. What is more harmful is obesity, sugar consumption, stress, environmental pollutants and alcohol. These are all mainstays of nearly every American diet. Why scapegoat nicotine addicts?
My friend in NYC has been a life-long smoker. He spends $200 a week on cigarettes: one case of Camel non-filters, which he smokes with an elegant cigarette holder, and one case of fancy schmancy Euro filtered cigs. He's in his late fifties and diabetic. He's also rich and sees All the Right Doctors. They say his lungs are in perfect health and that his smoking is fine, but that he should avoid sugar and alcohol as they will kill him--and anyone--before the tar in cigarettes leaves the tiniest tumor.
He really loves his cigarettes. They fuel his life, his art. Now that they've banned them in NYC bars, he's fixing to move to France! He's as bitter as bongwater when he recounts his early days as a New Jersey hood and poet who caused his mother a lot of grief. When she went to the doctor complaining of anxiety fits, he prescribed her cigarettes. She'd take the prescription to Nat Sherman's on Fifth Avenue and have it filled: Fantasia Lights in blue and pink, gold-tipped and monogrammed with her name. Wow, we've come a long way baby. Backwards.
It is my opinion that cigarettes are healthier for people than sugar, alcohol, Weight Watchers entrees or driving. Even second-hand smoke is preferable to second-hand sugar, alcohol, etc. Life is dangerous. Life will kill you. Get over it! But don't expect OR ALLOW your government (that's Vera Katz and G. W. Bush, you liberal hypocrites) to protect you from yourselves.
I know I'm preaching to the choir at Exotic Magazine. And what a lovely choir you are, mes chères! But think about who votes--boring suburban assholes who think boring suburban lifestyles are the only way to heaven. And those assholes would give our moron President/ Mayor power to "codify" our lifestyles as second-class or even criminal!
Stop them. Because heaven is a cigarette and a Spanish coffee at Huber's.





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