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xmag.com : September 2003: What's Your Fucking Problem?

Shocking as it may sound, the majority of straight American males think that being gay is a totally acceptable lifestyle. No shit. If you're gay, it is A-OK with about 80% of the male population in this country. Gay, that is, if GAY means a totally hot lesbian who'll go down on her hot, nubile girlfriend for your viewing pleasure. And though they have many cute buzzing toys for penetration, what they're REALLY waiting for is a man (you) to come along and cure them with a good deep dickin'. Now THAT'S fuckin' GAY! WOO-HOO! Hand me a rainbow sticker!
I have a good friend who is a remarkable fire dancer. He is lithe and graceful--thin but beautifully chiseled. He, like his art, is hot-hot-hot. He's handsome, built and gay as a lace doily. One night, as I hooted and hollered for him while he twirled his torches to goth metal music, something funny happened. Two men at the bar asked if he was my boyfriend.
These guys had been trying to get my attention for some time with small talk and inane questions. How tall am I? How far does that tattoo go down? Annoying, yes. But this last line struck me as very funny, so I had to bite. "No, he is not," I mused. "Truth be told, he prob'ly sucks a better cock than me." This was highly offensive to the men, so I happily went on. "What's wrong with that? YOU could prob'ly suck better dick than any woman in here, only 'cause you have one... a dick, that is."
They both resembled the slack jawed buzzard from Bugs Bunny, shaking their heads comically muttering 'Nn-nn-noooope-nope-nope'. It was funny how upset they were at the very idea of one of them orally honoring the cock. I mean, who doesn't love cock? I pressed on. "Look, it doesn't make you gay to know what feels good. I can eat pussy better than any man in here, regardless of his length of tongue or his technique. Does that make me gay?" They brightened at this idea.
"Well, THAT would be OK.," blurted one. His friend guffawed in agreement.
"Of course it would! As it would be OK for you guys to get it on with each other." They laughed out another stream of no-no-no-no's, clearly horrified at the thought. "But really, what makes you GAY is your choice of partner, your preference. Not the isolated experiences you might have while sexually experimenting. I've fucked a bunch of girls and I'm fairly straight. There are straight guys out there who like to get fucked in the ass with dildos and stuff by their girlfriends and they're not gay. They're just experienced. I mean, when you get down to it, a REAL man isn't afraid of ANYTHING. If he's a virile buck, a sexual tyrannosaurus, then he should be able to bravely slam into anything or anyone, man, woman or microwaved cantaloupe. He's in charge, he's the MAN. Fuck what anybody else thinks, right? Look at it this way.... you love to fuck women, right?" Enthusiastic agreement. "You're always chasing us around trying to get in us. You've been chatting me up all night trying. Maybe if you tried fucking another man, we'd have something to talk about, something in common. Taking it in the ass for women, now THAT'S a MAN. THAT'LL get you laid for sure!"
They were quiet for a moment. Then a little starting gun went off and they both were laughing the 'oh she's just fucking with us' laugh, chortling in unison. "No way. Never. Not me....ugh-uh. Nope, not the kid. No thanks."
"No one's accusing you guys of anything here. But it's common knowledge that the more vehemently one refuses to even contemplate homoeroticism, the more likely he is actually very curious about chugging cock or being ass-fucked by another man. But you're so scared someone'll think you're gay, you deny your feelings. At the same time, in your loudest man voice, you repeat endlessly you're not gay YOU'RE NOT YOU'RE NOT YOU'RE NOT! O.K. you're not. Funny thing is, the louder you deny being gay or homo-curious, the more you look like a big ol' closet case. So if you're not, shut up....nothing to prove, right? But if you are, be free, love the cock. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I mean 'GAY' is another word for happy, right?"
They didn't answer and didn't talk to me the rest of the night.





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