is scary, like Halloween."
Thus ended my original October 2001
column. This year it's love's-been-a-little-bit-hard-on-me.
I've fallen in love four times in
the last four years. Totally, completely
in love. And man, is it heartbreaking!
Each of these boys was totally dreamy,
totally unique, totally sexy, totally
brilliant and a wonderful kisser.
I worshipped them. And each was more
loser than the last.
I am an expert at falling in love.
It happens instantly and totally.
I am unafraid of love and I never
see the folly of my ways. And I always
think I'll never find it, then boom,
love walks in the room. But when it
walks out, I melt.
I only fall in love at first site.
It's gotta be instant animal attraction
or I'm not interested. And the guy's
balls have to way outweigh his brain.
This is evidently a prerequisite.
The guys I love skate through life
on charisma and creativity, but when
it comes to paying rent or maintaining
a car, they are dumbfounded. Most
of them are just breezing through
town, on the run from the law, adulthood,
themselves.... It's like I want to
trip them--fuck their shit up. Make
'em cross-eyed with love, saying,
"I've never said this before and I
can't believe I'm feeling this way,
but let's get married and have babies."
[They always say this!] Then I kick
them in the balls and run away--a
trick I perfected in first grade.
I'm trying to recreate Pee Wee's
Big Adventure, where Pee Wee tells
his sweet dorky girlfriend to get
lost, saying, "I'm a loner, Dottie,
a rebel!" Yet by the end of the movie
they have puppies and are riding a
I have been completely poisoned by
Hollywood and Little Golden Books
to fall for the big bad wolf and tame
him. I am a world-class game player
who says I-don't-play-games. I am
the girl who in high school renounced
marriage 4-EVAH but who suddenly wants
baby Vivas and doesn't want to do
Hanging out with all the other heartsick
strippers, I hear a lot of the same
stories. Granted most are wise enough
not to want kids, realizing that we
are selfish brats, but we all want
long-term lovers. And we all seem
to fall for LOSERS. (Pardon me! I
mean "Outlaws." "Rebels." "Musicians."
Why do strippers fall in love with
losers? We meet hundreds of very eligible
bachelors every day. They adore us.
But it's the losers who win our hearts.
Soon they've moved in and are beating
us up and selling crack outta the
front door (if they have a job at
all) and are not coming home at night,
while we wait up for them knitting
little pink caps for our kitties and
reading In Style. Why?
Some say that we are Bad Girls and
so fall for Bad Boys, that we are
living on the edge and so get off
on guys who live the same way, that
we are "outlaws", "rebels", "musicians"
and "skateboarders" ourselves.
I'm not so sure. After seven god-forsaken
years of mulling it over, I have my
own philosophy. Strippers date losers
because we can afford to.