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xmag.com : October 2003: Another Lonely Night

The green glare of a black cat gazes down on a pizza-faced serial killer eating sliced elephant testicles on rye bread in a crypt filled with snakes. Don't know if that movie's been made yet, but seems like it would have possibilities during the season of the witch. Let that diseased-face monster lose on the 12-year-old boy doing his trick-or-treat shakedown at the door, standing there brandishing his soap bars and rolls of toilet paper that he'll attack your windows with if you don't fork over a big Butterfinger bar.

Halloween allows you to unleash all your venom, the one night of the year it's okay to sleep in a coffin while murder drifts through your mind. Slasher & Splasher films rule the screen. Michael started out as a seven-year-old boy who had just cut up his sister in the opening sequence of John Carpenter's first Halloween film, then emerged as a deranged young man sporting a white rubber mask in...how many sequels? Five? Six?

The all-time favorite is Leatherface, the retarded psycho killer in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the film Harper's called "a vile little piece of sick crap." But Leatherface has become a memorable cultural image most of us adore, including the porn director who apparently spoofed the master with HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS. Regretfully, Flagstone had a very lonely night trying to find any info on this vid. Searching many web sites, he found only one reference to this film supposedly produced in 1987. So if anybody out there knows if a porn vid with this great title exists, let Flagstone in on it so he can review it next Halloween.

Nightmare on Elm Street was definitely revisited in 1988 as NIGHTMARE ON PORN STREET starring Britt Morgan, Brandi Wine and Shanna McCullough. And Nick Andrew's DARK ANGELS released in 2000 is considered a porn vampire classic. It stars Jewel DeNyle as the unlucky girl who witnesses a murder, becomes the next target, hires a detective to help her out, continues to get stalked by the Queen of the Undead (Sydnee Steele), and ends up becoming one of the Undead (although that doesn't stop her from giving many excellent blow jobs). More info on Dark Angels from Digital Sin can be found at newsensations.com.

On the web, B Movie Theatre (www.b-movie.com) is a good place to start if you're looking for some borderline Halloween porn. In MISTRESS FRANKENSTEIN, Baroness Helena Frankenstein (played by Jade Duboir) gets killed in a horse accident and a thoughtful professor gives her a second chance to reek havoc among the undead with a new brain. ICE FROM THE SUN, starring Ramona Midgett and Angela Zimmerly, asks us to believe a pretty young woman can really hunt down and assassinate The Presence, a hellish being deep into thought control. In HALLOWEEN HORRORS, two sisters get kidnapped and thrown into a dungeon where they get tortured on the rack and scream unconvincingly.

The French director Jean Rollin has cranked out dozens of Euro-horror flicks over the years, including GRAPES OF DEATH, featuring a girl nailed to a door who then gets beheaded. LITTLE ORPHAN VAMPIRE explores the deep meaning of tender throats getting cut and fangs biting into butts. BRIDES OF DRACULA finds nocturnal monsters crawling out of castle windows to requisition bodies in graveyards and mad nuns in the ORDER OF THE WHITE VIRGINS acting like she-wolves in search of edible flesh. For more info on Jean Rollin check out shockingimages.com.

Have a happy undead Halloween. Spark up your jack-o'-lantern, let your vampire cloak spread like the wings of a condor over your sex partner and listen to the silent graves speak.







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