"Can we, as a country, all
: November 2003:
What's Your Fucking Problem?
Ho Ho Ho! Here
come the holidays, creeping up on us like a perv in
the bushes. First comes the whole Thanksgiving debacle.
Once that mess is over and you're nearly recovered from
being sick, hungover and bloated from overdoing it,
you're being shoved and goaded like an animal through
the mall, jam packed with the unwashed masses. Every
blinking year you're stuck behind your fellow men, en
masse, slogging along slow-motion style in front of
you with all their shopping bags and bazillion runny-nosed,
shrieking kids. It's a magical time. No wonder the suicide
rate skyrockets in December. How does one survive?
Well, what would
I am totally
serious. Think about it, you're Jesus Christ, it's your
birthday, what would you do?
story about when he was born? The Three Wise Men came
to give him gifts. What did they give the immaculately
conceived Lamb of God? They gave him a bunch of strong
incense to kill the stink of animal dung that lay in
steaming piles around his cold-ass manger. What's a
manger? A dirty, splintery box of hay all clotted with
llama spit. Cozy. Poor thing. Jesus very well could
have been thinking, "Man! I'm the friggin' LORD! This
holy nugget to chew on.... God made us in his image,
correct? That's what I hear, anyway, so it's safe to
say that God can cum, right? We all know Jesus could
cop a nut, otherwise his abstinence wouldn't have meant
much. Jesus was THE badass superstar punk of his day.
He had the best and baddest whores on his tip constantly,
yet he never gave in to the yearnings of the flesh and
went on to be a rock star of love and peace and, you
know, all that other cool stuff he did.
But you're you
and it's Christmas again and what the fuck am I getting
I say spend the
holidays jerking off. If you're in a decent relationship,
get each other off repeatedly. Listen to your favorite
music, eat your favorite food--as much of it as you
want--and drink the good stuff (whatever you consider
the good stuff to be). Do what you want to do and do
it 'til you're satisfied. Though I'm pretty sure the
Son of Man never got drunk and whacked off, he turned
water into wine for a reason.
These are the
holy-days. God is love, so do what you love, do who
you love-love-me-do and get off on the fact that you
are doing God's work. Jesus was totally against the
grain of the status quo back in the day. And I know
he would be psyched if, in honor of his birthday, you
were being all anti-establishment by not going to the
mall and buying shit you can't afford for people you
don't even like.
This is how I
plan to get through all this. And before you know it,
New Year's will lurch at you like a fat, stinky drunk
chasing you around at a party, and through the fog of
the first day of the New Year, you'll swear off booze,
sugar, white bread and sex with strangers, so live it
up now. Do it for Jesus.
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