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xmag.com : November 2003: What's Your Fucking Problem?

Ho Ho Ho! Here come the holidays, creeping up on us like a perv in the bushes. First comes the whole Thanksgiving debacle. Once that mess is over and you're nearly recovered from being sick, hungover and bloated from overdoing it, you're being shoved and goaded like an animal through the mall, jam packed with the unwashed masses. Every blinking year you're stuck behind your fellow men, en masse, slogging along slow-motion style in front of you with all their shopping bags and bazillion runny-nosed, shrieking kids. It's a magical time. No wonder the suicide rate skyrockets in December. How does one survive?

Well, what would Jesus do?

I am totally serious. Think about it, you're Jesus Christ, it's your birthday, what would you do?

Remember the story about when he was born? The Three Wise Men came to give him gifts. What did they give the immaculately conceived Lamb of God? They gave him a bunch of strong incense to kill the stink of animal dung that lay in steaming piles around his cold-ass manger. What's a manger? A dirty, splintery box of hay all clotted with llama spit. Cozy. Poor thing. Jesus very well could have been thinking, "Man! I'm the friggin' LORD! This birthday SUCKS!"

Here's another holy nugget to chew on.... God made us in his image, correct? That's what I hear, anyway, so it's safe to say that God can cum, right? We all know Jesus could cop a nut, otherwise his abstinence wouldn't have meant much. Jesus was THE badass superstar punk of his day. He had the best and baddest whores on his tip constantly, yet he never gave in to the yearnings of the flesh and went on to be a rock star of love and peace and, you know, all that other cool stuff he did.

But you're you and it's Christmas again and what the fuck am I getting at?

I say spend the holidays jerking off. If you're in a decent relationship, get each other off repeatedly. Listen to your favorite music, eat your favorite food--as much of it as you want--and drink the good stuff (whatever you consider the good stuff to be). Do what you want to do and do it 'til you're satisfied. Though I'm pretty sure the Son of Man never got drunk and whacked off, he turned water into wine for a reason.

These are the holy-days. God is love, so do what you love, do who you love-love-me-do and get off on the fact that you are doing God's work. Jesus was totally against the grain of the status quo back in the day. And I know he would be psyched if, in honor of his birthday, you were being all anti-establishment by not going to the mall and buying shit you can't afford for people you don't even like.

This is how I plan to get through all this. And before you know it, New Year's will lurch at you like a fat, stinky drunk chasing you around at a party, and through the fog of the first day of the New Year, you'll swear off booze, sugar, white bread and sex with strangers, so live it up now. Do it for Jesus.







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