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xmag.com : December 2003: Another Lonely Night

I'm double screening tonight, watching the news on one tube and porn on the other. An interview with California's new governor Arnold Schwarzenegger just ended and he wasn't asked about his gropings. And I'm about half-way through SPACE NUTS from Wicked, a three-hour extravaganza with a dozen girls clothed with the sun and the moon shining under their pink feet while they soar into space. Along the way they get their clams speared and their butts fucked while they slob knobs in the Milky Way.

Good to know the Terminator's gropings two months ago during the special election don't seem to haunt him. Those of us in porn land saturated with gang bangs and cream pies find it strange people would get so worked up over his creepy trespassings. We know all men are gropers. In every man's heart lurk force and fraud, what Thomas Hobbes called the "cardinal virtues."

Why all those screeching howls of indignation and shock when Arnold claimed he was just being "playful" on movie sets? Everybody knows Hollywood is decadent. I'd bet a dime on a dollar that a fair number of women, while jolted by the Treminator's snatchings, went goo-goo when he picked them out of the pack of extras. And I'd bet that some spent the night with him knowing full well there'd be no hugs in the morning. He's gone.

A porn fantasy, really. Grab, fuck and run. Though more frequently in porn, the guy doesn't have to grab because the women are so willing. Like Brittney Skye, Dee and Brianna Banks in TITSICLE from Vivid. The girls operate the Big Scoop ice cream company and offer up big scoops of themselves. The company's motto: "Whatever the customer wants, we're here to please and serve it with a smile."

It's rarely that way in real life--except maybe for guys like Arnold who

are famous and rich. Of course even he can't get it all and that's why he got outed as a groper. One time on the movie set he spotted a hottie, said "Come here, you sexy devil," grabbed her and pulled her onto his lap. Maybe that didn't bother her too much, but then he immediately whispered in her ear, "Have you ever had a man slide his tongue up your ass?"

If Arnold wanted to make a porn movie, that inquiry would be more than acceptable. But even star power has its limits. The girl didn't freak out. She got up and continued on her way.

I slipped TEN LITTLE PIGGIES from Platinum into the DVD player. A so-so flick with one choice moment. Roxie Hart has a cookie between her toes which she feeds to a dork who nibbles on it. Naturally the cookie is covered with cum frosting which he obligingly licks.

That scene in TEN LITTLE PIGGIES reminded me of another star power sex up. Years ago the cops busted a loud party only to find Mary Ann Faithfull sprawled naked on a rug with a Mars bar between her legs. Mick Jagger was eating the Mars bar. Don't know if it's true but if it is wish we could see that on a video. Call it Sympathy for the Devil.

Since Christmas is near allow Flagstone to unwrap a present for you.

Once upon a time a little boy named Jesus was born in Bethlehem, raised in the desert, went wacko and started preaching a new religion. He got nailed to a cross, then went up in the sky as God's son. But Jesus now has a dirty little secret few people know about.

The Second Coming came a few weeks ago. Big J got out of the God business and has started a new career as a porn star. "I was walking down Sunset Boulevard and stopped in this ice cream parlor, the Big Scoop. This girl grabbed me and said, 'You look cool, dude, love the sandals. Wanna be in a movie?' Well gee everybody wants to be in a movie, even me, the son of God. I didn't know it was a porn flick 'til she got down on her knees and put my penis in her mouth. Wow! Heaven's great, but...." he told me in an interview.

This will be a big shot in the arm for the porn biz. Rumor has it Jesus' first DVD release will be entitled THE PESTILENCE THAT WALKS IN DARKNESS. Just think, Jesus' cock sliding down the smooth alley of a porn star, Jesus lying down in a green pasture for a head job, Jesus butt-fucking a shepherd. The dude who dwells in the House of the Lord, his cup running over with cum.

Merry XXXmas.






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