"Can we, as a country, all
: January 2004: Pug
SMALL BEAST TWISTS AND GRUNTS AND SQUEALS
the hot camera lights in this cheap motel room
while two well-hung human studs put her through
the motions. One man stands in the front, one
in the rear, sharing their massive manhood with
the pint-sized canine. The tiny ogre-faced house
pet looks off-camera as if seeking help, panting
and howling, grinding and barking, bringing
these two men to the foothills of unparalleled
bestial delights. Her diminutive-yet-well-muscled
haunches straddle the purplish member of the
fellow who rides her "doggy style," her compact
pug womb choking his man-meat like the tight
skin of a big baloney sausage, delivering a
level of suction and friction that no human
woman can hope to offer. The dog's wide-yet-shallow
mouth struggles to contain the other man's throbbing
Horn of Love as it prods and pokes and shoves
deeper into a throat more suited for Milk Bones
than human penises.
tangy smell of animal sex--human and canine--swirls
through the motel room as if generated by a
Glade Plug-In air freshener. The sweat
of human testicles mingles with the sweat of
a twenty-pound pug bitch's vagina, and the pungent
inter-gender, inter-species aromas drive everyone
in the room--including the film crew and yours
truly, a humble reporter seeking the truth about
pornography and its relevance to human spirituality--to
disrobe and begin wildly masturbating. Our circle
jerk tightens nooselike around the object of
our lust, the sourpussed, smushy-faced, rotten
little "Chinese Bulldog," while we humans begin
a rhythmic chant of "woof, woof" as if we were
audience members during a spirited taping of
The Late Show With Arsenio Hall.
we pelt her fawn torso with cum bullets, the
pug looks up
at us with a wide-open mouth that curls upward
at the corners as if she's smiling. She takes
our loads like a trouper, and there is something
in her expression which vaguely taunts us as
if to say, "Is that all you got, Master?"
in question, "Lulu," is a veteran of over eight
dozen hardcore adult films featuring live sex
acts between humans and pugs. The most recent
installment of Lulu's popular video series,
Take it Like a Bitch, received an Adult
Video News Award for "Hottest Human/Canine
Anal Scene." Although she is barely three years
old, Lulu has spent most of her adult life in
motel rooms like these, with camera crews like
these, taking it in every hole from adult-film
actors such as these.
never complains," beams Take it Like a Bitch
video auteur Günter Spätzl,
who first spotted Lulu at a puppy farm in Chatsworth,
California, and has since groomed her--along
with "Bitsy Mae" and the legendary pug whore
"Snugglebunny"--into one of the top three female
pugnographic film stars in the world. "She never
asks for money, she isn't afraid to do black
guys, and I know she isn't going to find religion
one day and just up and testify against me to
Congress," Spätzl says as I sign a model-release
form allowing him to use my masturbation scene
in Lulu's upcoming video showcase Bitch Looks
Like a Lady. "She is the essence of a professional.
She's everything an adult-film director could
want in his talent."
film oeuvre, which includes titles such
as Pugs Gone Wild, Flat Face/Tight Ass, and
Daddy's Got a Bone-Bone, all fall under
the umbrella of "pugnography," a term used to
describe a recent explosion of pornographic
films depicting inter-species sex between humans
and pugs. "Pugs are the perfect canine adult-film
stars," Spätzl explains. "Their small size
makes them inexpensive to feed, and their ample
musculature allows them to endure rigorous sexual
activity with a minimum of wear-and-tear. Plus,
consumers think they're adorable. They aren't
some big scary Doberman that's going to make
your average porn consumer feel inadequate,
and they aren't so tiny like a Chihuahua that
a few righteous reamings are going to kill the
poor little thing. I've tried other dogs, and
no other breed guarantees a hot sex scene better
than a pug. It's like they were born to fuck."
CALL ME NASTY NAMES all the time because
of my film
work with pugs," says Steed Bronson, a tanned
steroid casualty with a twenty-three-inch penis
and an extensive history of starring in pugnographic
features. "I've heard 'em all--'pug fucker,'
'puppy lover,' 'doggie dicker'--and after a
while, the names just don't bother me anymore.
I'm comfortable with my sexuality, and I'm grateful
for the opportunity to bone some of the world's
sit in his hot tub sipping Mimosas and watching
Days of Our Lives, I ask Bronson why
he prefers working with pugs over human actresses.
"Three reasons," he says, half-coughing as a
he passes me a joint of PCP-laced marijuana.
"First off, they don't speak English. It's not
like they're going to ask for your cell-phone
number or want a relationship or start bitching
you out about how you watch too much football
and spend too much time with your friends. Second,
I know these bitches are clean--human STDs and
canine STDs aren't transmissible between species.
Whereas I wouldn't fuck a human female porn
star without wearing a scuba-diving outfit,
I can power-drill as many pugs as I want without
having to wear a condom."
basking in the champagne, Angel Dust, and therapeutic
hot bubbling water. "So what's the third reason?"
I finally ask him.
pussy," he says, winking. "REALLY tight pussy,
bro. I'd rather fuck a pug than a two-legged
bitch any day. The only downside of sex with
pugs is with the blow jobs. They tend to bite
AM SHOCKED, APPALLED, OUTRAGED, nauseated,
sickened, inflamed, infuriated, and imbued with
a sense of bloodthirsty righteous homicidal
intent toward all pig bastard humanoids who
peddle pug flesh for profit," says Tammy Merkin,
director of REPUGNANT, a grass-roots organization
which lobbies against pugnography and, according
to its Mission Statement, "seeks to abolish,
now and for time immemorial, the sexual exploitation
of pugs and, by extension, all cute little doggies
with my pugs," says Merkin as we nibble on a
coconut shrimp platter at the Denny's on MLK,
"but I don't, you know, SLEEP with my pugs.
I see them as warm beings, as caring beings,
as loving beings--as beings who are every bit
as spiritual as humans, and sometimes even more
so, especially because they aren't leaving you
every five minutes like a goddamned man does--but
I draw the line, and I call the cops, when pugs
start being treated as sexual beings.
I believe the Goddess made humans to have human
sex with other humans, and for pugs to have
pug sex with other pugs, and it grieves Goddess
greatly to see humans having sex with pugs,
or, even worse, for pugs to have sex with humans."
you propose to stop the problem?" I ask, using
a fork to dislodge a fragment of shrimp shell
stuck between my teeth.
everyone involved in the pugnography industry,"
Merkin replies without missing a beat. "I'm
talking everyone--actors, directors,
crew members, all the way down to the sickos
who stock these titles in their stores and the
worthless pieces of darn crap who rent
these videos and achieve sexual release thereby.
Castrate them all. Get a big dirty meat cleaver
and just WHOOSH!--hack off their boy parts.
Toss 'em in a dumpster and let a bunch of alley
cats just chew on their dismembered guy pieces."
more constructive than ritual castration?" I
ask her, running my fingers through her hair
and smacking my lips like a randy mule.
she shrugs. "I'd suppose you'd have to kill
them all afterwards."
skeptical of her agenda and, indeed, her sanity.
"I mean, I've never heard a pug complain about
it," I challenge her, "and it's common knowledge
that a female pug's vagina will swell in such
a manner that a man's penis will get stuck there
until the bitch reaches orgasm. If the dog cums,
and if she gets a fresh bowl of food and water
in the deal, how can you say she's being exploited?
Don't we occupy a loftier position in the food
chain than pugs, and if so, isn't it the human
porn actors who are being degraded here
rather than the pugs?"
not who's being degraded here," Merkin says
coyly while slipping me her cell-phone number
and a crude sexually themed drawing on a piece
of tattered napkin. "As long as living creatures
are being degraded somewhere, I'll have a purpose
wishing to help end the sexual exploitation of
pugs in our lifetime can send cash donations via
PayPal to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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