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xmag.com : February 2004: Top 5 Top Guns

Throughout this great nation's history we have been blessed with leaders whose combination of wisdom and vision have helped propel the United States of America to its rightful place as the most powerful nation in the history of the world. However, not all of our past commanders in chief have been giants in the leadership department, and not all of them have had giant penises. As with everything, greatness in one area does not always coincide with greatness in the schlong department.

Several of our most revered presidents were indeed hung like donkeys, but a couple of the more inept losers were also enormous and knew their way around the meat department. Which of our presidents found themselves sitting in the lead chairs of the the skin flute orchestra? The truth might surprise you. They might not all go down in history as great leaders, but by virtue of their enormous cocks they have guaranteed themselves a potent place in our nation's past.

As with any man reaching his golden years there is to be expected a certain amount of shrinkage of the man meat. In order to maintain some measure of fairness, forensic scientists at the Smithsonian Institute measured what the actual size would have been at age thirty-five and duplicated each presidential meat stick in Teflon. All dicks were measured in the "flaccid" state as there is a deviation in skin stretchability from prick to prick.

#1--George Washington

Oddly enough it is our first president, George "the Wad" Washington, who cums first in our giant love muscle survey. Also known about town in his earlier years as "George, you know, the guy with the white hair and the giant cock," Washington's cock measured in at forty-two inches. Dubbed a freak of nature, Washington had foregone a lucrative gig with a traveling circus to pursue his more civil servant longings. Reading his eulogy, Washington's beloved wife, our first of first ladies Martha "the Cave" Washington, reportedly said the following to her husband's body as it lay in state at our nation's capital, "What's that, an extra casket or are you just glad to see me?"


#2--Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln was known for his tall tales concerning his humongous dong, but it was still only second best. Though he often said that "Yeah Old George may have licked me in the girth department, but he can't touch my length," this was more a combination of youthful boasting and optical illusion. While Washington's greatness of girth coupled with his impressive length gave his dick the appearance of stubbiness, Lincoln's eel-like pocket weasel may have appeared longer, but actually measured in at twenty seven and three-quarters inches. Though woefully short of Washington's, it was and is still a presidential prick any patriot would be proud of.

#3--Richard Nixon

While there are many who feel that Nixon may have been the biggest prick of all the presidents, his cock itself fell a little short of that honor. Richard "they don't call me DICK for nothing" Nixon does come in a surprising third place among the giant cocks of the oval office. It is rumored that this chief of staff actually secretly recorded his own penis as it underwent its metamorphosis from softy to chubby. An impressive twenty two and one-half inches, Nixon's hand puppet was said to only become tumes

cent when he was looking at mug shots of the Black Panthers he had falsely imprisoned or re-runs of his favorite TV show My Mother the Car. After being asked how he felt about resigning in disgrace from the highest office in the country, Nixon casually replied, "At least I have a giant cock."


#4--Theodore Roosevelt

Teddy's nickname, "rough rider," had little to do with his wartime exploits. He in fact invented the first "studded" condom by adhering shucked acorns to cow intestines. It is a well known fact that while on safari in the then Belgian Congo, his penis was almost severed by a myopic pygmy who had mistaken the presidential private for a dreaded hooded cobra. Thanks to a good eye and catlike reflexes, Ted's cock dove right and he blew the little cut-up's head off with his elephant gun. With the expertise of the best taxidermists in the world, the native's head was restored and hangs on the wall at Roosevelt's home in Oyster Bay, New York, next to a gazelle and a baby water buffalo. Roosevelt's last wish was that his penis, nineteen inches even, also be stuffed and hung alongside another of his prized big game trophies, a mountain gorilla with balls the size of cantaloupes.


#5--Andrew Johnson

Coming in fifth place in our presidential pricks survey is none other than Mr. Johnson himself. A somewhat bizarre man, and also our shortest president at four ft. seven, he more than made up for his diminutive stature with seventeen and three-quarters inches of man snake. Given his proclivity for cheap French whores, many believed Johnson's largess might be from swelling attributed to a series of bouts with gonorrhea (which Johnson adamantly denied). Although his anal warts are a matter of record, any suggestions of a burning penis during urination at his inauguration are hearsay. Even though he faced the first impeachment of a sitting president, Johnson was proud of his accomplishments and proud of his cock. More than a handful of cheap French whores have attested to the fact that before any coital encounter, Johnson would take out his Cajun sausage and say in an introductory sort of way, "Madam, Mr. Johnson."


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