ROMAN HOLIDAY

Here comes Valentine's Day, the most insulting advertising blitz since Christmas. A day when, once again, love, kindness and loyalty mean nothing if they aren't backed up with proof. Candy, flowers and diamonds, (and cars and puppies and cellphone cameras) are just the kind of concrete proof you need to save face with your other every February. It seems the bigger the ticket of said item, the more real and true your love becomes. And if you're single, you're an even bigger loser than you were at New Year's with no date.

Where does this guilt-ridden tradition come from? Who was St. Valentine and what's his day really about?

It seems around the third century in Rome, Claudius II was in charge. Also called Claudius The Cruel, this emperor decided that love and marriage were for fags, and if he was going to succeed with his bloodthirsty reign, he needed a huge army. But the boys weren't so ready to die for the cause if they had a family, or at least steady pussy at home. So Claudius outlawed marriage and decreed that every swinging dick was to remain single. Hooking up became punishable by death.

Valentine, who was a priest under Claudius at the time, was outraged by this and rebelled against the law. He held secret wedding ceremonies by candlelight, with the bride and groom whispering their vows, all the while keeping an ear open for soldiers.

Of course, as in all romantic tales, he was busted and sentenced to death by stoning. The execution was scheduled for February 14th, the date symbolic because the Feast of Lupercalia kicked off on that day (Lupercalia was a spring fertility bash that, like all Roman parties, usually ended in a wine-soaked orgy).

While in jail awaiting execution, he supposedly fell in love with the young daughter of the jail keeper. This was Rome, however, and Valentine was a Catholic priest, so the sweet young thing was more than likely a little boy. The day he was sent to be stoned (and beheaded for good measure) he wrote a little note to the child and signed it, "Love, your Valentine." On February 14th, 269 A.D., St. Valentine was martyred and Valentine's Day was born. A romantic and heroic tale with no mention of DVD players, cars or ipods.

So how does the modern guy or gal get hip to the real sentiment of V.D.? After further investigation into ancient Rome, from whence the Valentine's Day thing started, here's the REAL way to go Roman. Gather all your friends and neighbors and do the following:

1. If you're a single girl, you need to write your name on a piece of paper and toss it in an urn. Then all the single boys line up to randomly pick names from the urn. The girl that he chooses has to fuck him that night and up to a year afterwards.

2. Since we're talking about Rome, anal sex is definitely required.

3. Sacrifice a goat and a dog.

4. Slap all eligible females (preferably virgins) with strips of goat hide soaked with blood. (Maybe I'm weird, but that totally makes me wanna party.)

5. Most importantly, you must be ready to die for love. Forget all that sentimental phony bologna lace doily romance crap. Skip the Godiva and lies about forever. Nothing says "I love you" like a really nasty and tragic death. Fuck you, DeBeers.