"Can we, as a country, all
: February 2004:
What's Your Fucking Problem?
comes Valentine's Day, the most insulting advertising
blitz since Christmas. A day when, once again, love,
kindness and loyalty mean nothing if they aren't backed
up with proof. Candy, flowers and diamonds, (and cars
and puppies and cellphone cameras) are just the kind
of concrete proof you need to save face with your other
every February. It seems the bigger the ticket of said
item, the more real and true your love becomes. And
if you're single, you're an even bigger loser than you
were at New Year's with no date.
Where does this
guilt-ridden tradition come from? Who was St. Valentine
and what's his day really about?
It seems around
the third century in Rome, Claudius II was in charge.
Also called Claudius The Cruel, this emperor decided
that love and marriage were for fags, and if he was
going to succeed with his bloodthirsty reign, he needed
a huge army. But the boys weren't so ready to die for
the cause if they had a family, or at least steady pussy
at home. So Claudius outlawed marriage and decreed that
every swinging dick was to remain single. Hooking up
became punishable by death.
was a priest under Claudius at the time, was outraged
by this and rebelled against the law. He held secret
wedding ceremonies by candlelight, with the bride and
groom whispering their vows, all the while keeping an
ear open for soldiers.
Of course, as
in all romantic tales, he was busted and sentenced to
death by stoning. The execution was scheduled for February
14th, the date symbolic because the Feast of Lupercalia
kicked off on that day (Lupercalia was a spring fertility
bash that, like all Roman parties, usually ended in
a wine-soaked orgy).
While in jail
awaiting execution, he supposedly fell in love with
the young daughter of the jail keeper. This was Rome,
however, and Valentine was a Catholic priest, so the
sweet young thing was more than likely a little boy.
The day he was sent to be stoned (and beheaded for good
measure) he wrote a little note to the child and signed
it, "Love, your Valentine." On February 14th, 269 A.D.,
St. Valentine was martyred and Valentine's Day was born.
A romantic and heroic tale with no mention of DVD players,
cars or ipods.
So how does the
modern guy or gal get hip to the real sentiment of V.D.?
After further investigation into ancient Rome, from
whence the Valentine's Day thing started, here's the
REAL way to go Roman. Gather all your friends and neighbors
and do the following:
1. If you're
a single girl, you need to write your name on a piece
of paper and toss it in an urn. Then all the single
boys line up to randomly pick names from the urn. The
girl that he chooses has to fuck him that night and
up to a year afterwards.
we're talking about Rome, anal sex is definitely required.
a goat and a dog.
all eligible females (preferably virgins) with strips
of goat hide soaked with blood. (Maybe I'm weird, but
that totally makes me wanna party.)
importantly, you must be ready to die for love. Forget
all that sentimental phony bologna lace doily romance
crap. Skip the Godiva and lies about forever. Nothing
says "I love you" like a really nasty and tragic death.
Fuck you, DeBeers.
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