been trying not to read the paper
for three years now, ever since
Bush the sequel started, but I
couldn't help but notice that
gay marriage has had big headlines
lately. And that Bush 2, or "Shrub,"
has allotted 1.5 billion to go
to war to defend it.
This is ridiculous! Who cares
if gay people marry? Who cares
if they cross the street? I think
we've already established that
being gay is A-OK legally, so
if marriage is a legal agreement,
gay people should get to do it
if they so desire. If you're personally
not OK with it, don't marry someone
gay. Sometimes obese adults wear
Disney sweatshirts and it really
bugs me. Still they get to cross
the street, get married, vote.
"65% of Americans feel that homosexuals
should have equal rights in the
workplace. However, 38% feel that
homosexuals should be allowed
to marry. That's down one percent
from last week."
WHO CARES? And why do they even
think it's ok to ask those questions?
Here's what they should ask:
"How many of you feel that the
Christian Right should be banned
from any and all public forums?"
or "How many of you feel that
President Bush should be ritually
axe murdered to appease the international
I bet the stats would be approximately
Shrub and co. say they're defending
the American family. But even
their homo-foe statistical formulae
conclude that gay couples make
as good or better parents. In
fact, gay partners are more likely
to have a stay-at-home parent
than hetero marrieds.
Shrub and the Righteous Right
say marriage is a holy union blessed
by a homophobic God. Well, then
marriages shouldn't be conducted
at City Halls or carry so much
weight legally. Ever heard of
separation of church and state?
Shrub and the State of California
define marriage as a union between
a man and a woman. But, uh, what
is a man? What is a woman? What
is a homosexual? Take a swim in
the murky waters of gender studies
for half an hour, Bush buddy,
and it'll shrink your cocksure
sure as shit. For inst.: can a
homosexual woman trapped in a
man's body marry a lesbian? They
got man and woman PARTS... Or
what about a post-operative transsexual
marrying his (now her) longtime
boyfriend? Is that OK? Maybe we
should just institute a don't
ask don't tell policy for marriage
like we do in the military. No
one needs to know who's a boy
or who's a girl under that gown!
What does marriage mean anymore
anyway, when over fifty percent
of marriages dissolve before the
death-do-us-part part? Europe
has recently come up with marriage
lite: civil solidarity pacts and
registered partnerships which
allow couples, gay and straight,
to proclaim their commitment to
each other and maintain all the
legal benefits of marriage, but
without the freakiness of "forever."
Scandinavia has all but done away
with marriage, and most children
are born out of wedlock. Many
feel this is a positive trend,
sparked by women's lib and the
decreased influence of the church.
But conservative presses blame
gays being allowed to marry for
lessening the appeal of marriage.
According to the Weekly Standard,
this takes away marriage's romance
and "mystique," and should therefore
be avoided at all costs. Talk
about fuzzy logic.
Here's some logic I like. My army
brother's friend's father, a Ph.D.
in psychology, is writing a book
on conservatism as a personality
disorder. Hee hee. That's what
I like to see. Here's hoping it's