"Can we, as a country, all
2004 : What's
Your Fucking Problem?
isn't nasty. Just smart.
hasn't had a hit in four years. In the mean time,
she sees Brittany tonguing Madonna's yob. She sees
the thoroughbred butt cheeks of young Beyonce humping
out of her filmy costumes. She sees every inch of
Christina Aguilera. She sees every stupid hip hop
video where bouncy gals of every color--pouring out
of their hip huggers and bitty tops--hump everything
including the air around them. She sees billboards,
print and TV ads where tits and ass rule. Sex in
the City, MTV, and any number of reality shows
celebrate gold-digging whores as prime time entertainment.
Then she sees her weird older brother being charged
with intoxicating and molesting little boys. Again.
The phone rings.
It's Justin Timberlake, the former Brittany-bangin',
fluent-in-ebonics, golden boy-band survivor. He's
on top and super famous at present. He thinks it'd
be cool if they perform one of his hit songs at half
time during the Super Bowl.
THE SUPER BOWL!
Everyone watches the Super Bowl! Can I get a 'Hell
yeah'? Janet hasn't had a hit in four years. No one's
thought about her in a long time. She's gotta make
this one count.
FCC has had the networks on double secret probation,
trying to up the fines from $27,500.00 per indecent
incident to $275,000.00. Michael Powell, son of Colin
and head of the FCC, is the new McCarthy of modern
morals who leads the crusade.
We all know
what happens next. A flash of tit and suddenly, just
like angry villagers in a monster movie, the Highly
Offended stream through town with their torches and
their bibles, looking for someone to burn for the
bobbing brown boobie. Because of this, the networks
are now scrambling to clean up their prime time slots.
MTV, pretending to actually air music videos, promises
to air the raunchier ones between 10 PM and 6 AM.
NYPD Blue promises to re-edit a sex scene.
The show's creator, Steven Boscho, calls the decision
to comply with the tightening leash on decency in
All this fuss
over a fading star who, trying to reap the benefits
of what has worked for every female artist forever,
shows a little skin. Since when does anyone give a
fuck about titties? Why now? Is it because she's black?
A Jackson? Do we still need to punish her for ever
being with that homo DeBarge?
Michael, son of Colin and FCC Chief, there was a huge
public outcry after the Super Bowl flashing--200,000
complaints at last tally. Sounds like a lot until
you look at how many people watched the game--upwards
of 90 million according to advertisers. That's one
in 450 people. Now, I suck at math, but even I know
that's not a huge public outcry.
of things like truth and character, however, Janet
was uninvited to the Grammy's. They were worried she
might do something reckless. She was heartbroken.
She wouldn't get to help Christina tape her hanky
to her new boobs, oil Beyonce's ass, glue feathers
to the Outkast dancers or help Lil' Kim pick out just
the right pasty. Justin still got to go, even though
he was as big a part of the boob ordeal as Janet.
But he's on top and, well, Janet hasn't had a hit
in four years.
way love goes.
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