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xmag.com : July 2004: HAIR FORCE ONE

“This isn’t rocket science—it’s Rock It Science!” yells team captain Steve “Fiesta” Santoro as he pumps his crew up for Red Bull Flügtag Portland.

“Righteous!” answers pilot Garth “Big Baller” Parker with a defiant toss of his mullet. “None of us were smart enough to get into the Air Force like we wanted, but we’re gonna ROCK Portland as the Hair Force!”
Santoro, Parker, and teammates Shon “Billy Bob” Boulden, Shane “My Last Name Doesn’t Refer to Any Part of My Anatomy Whatsoever” Small, and Scott “Billy Bob Junior” Underwood may not be the sharpest tools in the Flügtag woodshed, but they’re likely to be the hairiest. Fast friends since 1982 when they met at a Twisted Sister concert, this quintet doesn’t just remember the 80’s—they’re mired in it.

“I can explain this pretty easy,” Parker begins, his eyes screwed up with concentration. “Y’see, we figure that God made us in his image, right? And so we’re making an airplane in our image! Which means, really, that our airplane is friggin’ godlike, man!”
Translation: they’re flying a massive mullet. With attached sunglasses and mustache.

“It was either that or a Camaro,” Santoro explains, scratching delicately under his Whitesnake t-shirt. “What decided us was when Billy Bob—or was it Billy Bob Junior?—came up with the Hair Force One name. I mean, even if the military wouldn’t take us, at least we can have our own, you know, um, force.”

Come Flying Day, the five rockers will defy the laws of gravity—and good taste—by launching a huge 80’s hairstyle off the Flügtag flight deck, accompanied by some of that decade’s signature rock’n’roll anthems. Costuming (fortunately) is a no-brainer, as the official Hair Force One look is modeled on the teammates’ everyday apparel: mullets, flip-up shades, bushy mustaches, and pants that would look good only on Rod Stewart (Rod Stewart 20 years ago).

“We’ve got just one thing to say to Portland,” Santoro says, raising his fist. “Rock on.”

“Make that two things,” Parker adds. “Could you maybe hook us up with some girls?”

Sexy cheerleaders are needed for Hair Force One! Mustache rides for all applicants. Call “Billy Bob” Shon @ 503-380-2232 or “Fiesta” Steve @ 503-307-7072.






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