isn’t rocket science—it’s Rock It
Science!” yells team captain
Steve “Fiesta” Santoro as he pumps his
crew up for Red
Bull Flügtag Portland.
“Righteous!” answers pilot Garth “Big
Baller” Parker with a defiant toss of his mullet.
“None of us were smart enough to get into the
Air Force like we wanted, but we’re gonna ROCK
Portland as the Hair Force!”
Santoro, Parker, and teammates Shon “Billy Bob”
Boulden, Shane “My Last Name Doesn’t Refer
to Any Part of My Anatomy Whatsoever” Small,
and Scott “Billy Bob Junior” Underwood
may not be the sharpest tools in the Flügtag
woodshed, but they’re likely to be the hairiest.
Fast friends since 1982 when they met at a Twisted
Sister concert, this quintet doesn’t just remember
the 80’s—they’re mired in it.
“I can explain this pretty easy,” Parker
begins, his eyes screwed up with concentration. “Y’see,
we figure that God made us in his image, right? And
so we’re making an airplane in our image!
Which means, really, that our airplane is friggin’
Translation: they’re flying a massive mullet.
With attached sunglasses and mustache.
“It was either that or a Camaro,” Santoro
explains, scratching delicately under his Whitesnake
t-shirt. “What decided us was when Billy Bob—or
was it Billy Bob Junior?—came up with the Hair
Force One name. I mean, even if the military wouldn’t
take us, at least we can have our own, you know, um,
Come Flying Day, the five rockers will defy the laws
of gravity—and good taste—by launching
a huge 80’s hairstyle off the Flügtag flight
deck, accompanied by some of that decade’s signature
rock’n’roll anthems. Costuming (fortunately)
is a no-brainer, as the official Hair Force One look
is modeled on the teammates’ everyday apparel:
mullets, flip-up shades, bushy mustaches, and pants
that would look good only on Rod Stewart (Rod Stewart
20 years ago).
“We’ve got just one thing to say to Portland,”
Santoro says, raising his fist. “Rock on.”
“Make that two things,” Parker adds. “Could
you maybe hook us up with some girls?”
Sexy cheerleaders are needed for Hair
Force One! Mustache rides for all applicants. Call
“Billy Bob” Shon @ 503-380-2232 or “Fiesta”
Steve @ 503-307-7072.
VOTE FOR HAIR FORCE ONE NOW