Dear Demi,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We've always had a great sex life, super hot and all the time, but that's all changing. We're totally monogamous and in love, but over the last year an old love of his has come back around. Booze.

We've always partied together. I drink sometimes, too. That's all good. But over the last year he has gotten into the habit of drinking into a blacked out state (his friends say he was always this way, and until recently has only been behaving for me). Typical night: we get home from a show or whatever, he flops into bed, rolls on top of me, licks my mouth with his pasty tongue and moans something incoherent like "Mmm... mphhh....fffuck. Mmmwaaan.... nuh... fff.....ffuck ...yyyyoooouuu." Then he'll pass out with a numb, nicotine-stained finger halfway in me and just snore away in my face. He knows this is a serious problem. He always apologizes to me the next day, but come sunset, he's on his second six pack and starting on the tequila. I really love him and want to do something, but I'm not one of those girls who's a big nag. I want my big strong he-man with that big fat cock to stay awake long enough to love me back. Help!

--Would Settle For Whiskey Dick

My Dear Ms. Dick,

Good for you for not nagging your man! Alcoholics are a crabby, sensitive lot. Though they love to wallow openly in their semi-uselessness, when someone near to them tries to encourage them in any way to improve their situation, they can get all nasty. Suddenly the person trying to help becomes a "drag" and the relationship takes a big, burny, hungover shit and he's off to find a more enabling person--hopefully with her own place and a car.

We all know how it's a bummer for you that Sleepy Finger blacks out every night. What you need to do, doll, is to show him how bad blacking out is for HIM.

Next time he's sure to black out get him naked before he gets into bed. Once the snoring starts, set all the clocks in the room two hours ahead, tie his hands and feet to the four corners of the bed (or in such a way that he can't wriggle away or use his arms). Lube up a moderately sized jelly vibrator with fresh batteries and stick it in his ass very slowly and carefully (don't turn it on 'til it's all the way in). Then turn it on high and pump it in and out vigorously and talk dirty in your weirdest, extra low voice, like you were imitating a man. "Yeah, you dirty bitch, take my cock all the way in your fucking whore hole. Mmmm yeah, take it in your dirty MAN CUNT!" He will most likely wake up and sober up pretty quick and may flip out somewhat (especially if that's not his sort of thing). You should act very confused and innocently explain that he had begged you to do it. Tell him you'd been at it half the night and up until that moment he was totally loving it.

Rest assured he will never tell anyone what happened, and if he doesn't dump you on the spot, you can be sure that he will definitely think twice before getting that wasted and falling into somebody's bed. Remember, when trying to save someone from themselves, it's imperative to make it look like it was their idea.