"Can we, as a country, all
: August 2004:
What's Your Fucking Problem?
been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We've always
had a great sex life, super hot and all the time, but
that's all changing. We're totally monogamous and in
love, but over the last year an old love of his has
come back around. Booze.
always partied together. I drink sometimes, too. That's
all good. But over the last year he has gotten into
the habit of drinking into a blacked out state (his
friends say he was always this way, and until recently
has only been behaving for me). Typical night: we get
home from a show or whatever, he flops into bed, rolls
on top of me, licks my mouth with his pasty tongue and
moans something incoherent like "Mmm... mphhh....fffuck.
Mmmwaaan.... nuh... fff.....ffuck ...yyyyoooouuu." Then
he'll pass out with a numb, nicotine-stained finger
halfway in me and just snore away in my face. He knows
this is a serious problem. He always apologizes to me
the next day, but come sunset, he's on his second six
pack and starting on the tequila. I really love him
and want to do something, but I'm not one of those girls
who's a big nag. I want my big strong he-man with that
big fat cock to stay awake long enough to love me back.
Settle For Whiskey Dick
for you for not nagging your man! Alcoholics are a crabby,
sensitive lot. Though they love to wallow openly in
their semi-uselessness, when someone near to them tries
to encourage them in any way to improve their situation,
they can get all nasty. Suddenly the person trying to
help becomes a "drag" and the relationship takes a big,
burny, hungover shit and he's off to find a more enabling
person--hopefully with her own place and a car.
all know how it's a bummer for you that Sleepy Finger
blacks out every night. What you need to do, doll, is
to show him how bad blacking out is for HIM.
time he's sure to black out get him naked before he
gets into bed. Once the snoring starts, set all the
clocks in the room two hours ahead, tie his hands and
feet to the four corners of the bed (or in such a way
that he can't wriggle away or use his arms). Lube up
a moderately sized jelly vibrator with fresh batteries
and stick it in his ass very slowly and carefully (don't
turn it on 'til it's all the way in). Then turn it on
high and pump it in and out vigorously and talk dirty
in your weirdest, extra low voice, like you were imitating
a man. "Yeah, you dirty bitch, take my cock all the
way in your fucking whore hole. Mmmm yeah, take it in
your dirty MAN CUNT!" He will most likely wake up and
sober up pretty quick and may flip out somewhat (especially
if that's not his sort of thing). You should act very
confused and innocently explain that he had begged you
to do it. Tell him you'd been at it half the night and
up until that moment he was totally loving it.
assured he will never tell anyone what happened, and
if he doesn't dump you on the spot, you can be sure
that he will definitely think twice before getting that
wasted and falling into somebody's bed. Remember, when
trying to save someone from themselves, it's imperative
to make it look like it was their idea.
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