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"Can we, as a country, all agree

xmag.com : September 2004: Lucky Thirteens!


T
he Lucky Thirteens are a Portland supergroup. They formed seven years ago when Bradley of Weaklings infamy was sober. Needing to channel his near-mythic drunken shenanigans into something, anything, he formed the Thirteens. Sunglasses-after-dark Sten from the Oblivion Seekers penned a couple dozen songs for the group, tall tattooed bass player Jedediah from the Gnash/ the Atoms/ Roger Nusic signed on, and Nervous Christian Jeff Larsen played rhythm guitar. A drummer almost always showed up, too.

The boys were red hot. Turns out Bradley really shines in a suit, singing Dean Martin-tinged rockers. More chicks showed up to Lucky Thirteens shows than you ever saw at a Weaklings engagement. And, knowing better than anyone that chicks love you more the worse you treat 'em, the Thirteens played maybe two or three times a year, and then not at all.

Then this whole Neil Goldschmidt debacle went down and the boys figured it was high time to take the stage again. They're headlining a back-to-school all-ages bash at the Paris Theater featuring Portland's favorite spit and grit bands. For a fraction of their allowance kids can see the Thirteens, the Weaklings, Diesto, Coco Cobra and the Killers, and Space Lord.

Plus there'll be DJ's, contests, and prizes galore, including a date with the Lucky Thirteens (ALL of them) and a FREE NEIL GOLDSCHMIDT TATTOO from Tigerlily. Girls fourteen and under get in FREE. There'll be an underage banana eating contest (boys AND girls), an under-eighteen stripper contest (winner gets a fake I.D.) and an underage wet t-shirt contest (chicks only). Fuck yeah!

 

VIVA: I'm so excited to see the Lucky Thirteens back in action. Compared to the Weaklings the Thirteens seem...

Bradley: It's sooo much darker.

VIVA: Darker? Really? I'd say poppier.

Jedediah: There's a lot more hook to it.

Bradley: Sten keeps it really simple the way he writes. It's straight beat music. His whole idea is take something from the fifties that was so overdone then. Do it now and it's authentic and it's fresh. But the songs are just dirty. With Jed playing bass that's really fuckin' meaty and crazy... it's just dirtier. And a lot of the lyrical content... I was really pissed off at women for a really long time and it's really attacking and mean.

VIVA [deadpans]: Why were you pissed off at women?

Bradley: Cause they piss me off!!

VIVA: I used to get naked to the Lucky Thirteens' "I Don't Wanna Be Loved." Do you guys not want to be loved?

Bradley: We just don't want any fucking balls and chains, man.

VIVA: God I've heard so many strippers crying over you in the dressing room. What is it? Do you have some magical sex trick?

Bradley: I don't know. Giving them what they need!

VIVA: Ha ha. Until...

Bradley: Until I don't care any more! And then I split! I mean, we're all adults here. You do it for a while and then you move on.

Jedediah: You do it 'til you're satisfied.

VIVA: Jedediah I've heard many ladies crying over you, too. I understand one of them has your name tattooed over her pussy. What's your secret?

Jedediah: It's like I said earlier. You do it until you're satisfied.

VIVA: What about fisting?

Bradley: Once you fist somebody you can never hang out with them again. That's a rule. Cause then every time ya fuck 'em ya have to fist 'em. There's no turning back once you bring in the fist!

Jedediah: I disagree. What my father told me is once you fist a woman she'll never leave ya.

VIVA: What's Sten's secret for getting all the ladies?

Bradley: Well, it's pretty similar to Ike Turner's: a fuckin' huge dick and a fist.

Jedediah: He's the largest member of the Thirteens.

VIVA: What about the black drummer?

Bradley: Hey! Joe's new! This'll be his first show, so we'll have to see.

Jedediah: We've got to light him on fire first.

VIVA: Do you guys ever pay for drinks?

Jedediah: No.

Bradley: I haven't paid for drinks in four years! Before that I was sober!

VIVA: Sixteen year old girls have their advantages and disadvantages. What should every sixteen year old girl know?

Jedediah: Well, there's the separate key to the garage...

Bradley: To bring their wallet. Bring mom's credit card.

Jedediah: And Daddy's car.

Bradley: And you will go far... with the Lucky Thirteens!

VIVA: How young is too young?

Jedediah: If you're too young to lie.

Bradley: Yeah. I got to snack on some older women when I was like fifteen, and that was a treasure chest, know what I mean? I learned things, things that left permanent stains on my memory. It's not something that everyone has to experience, but, you know, a lot of people do. I've never plowed a fuckin' teenager. But I know teenagers need to be plowed.

VIVA: What? Never?

Jedediah: Since when?

Bradley: Since never! Even when I was a teenager I never fucked a teenager. I always fucked older women. And the youngest I've gone as an adult is, maybe, 23. Cause I like someone who knows what the fuck they're doing. You know what I mean. Jed? How many teenagers have you snacked on?

Jedediah: I'm trying to think!

Bradley: I snacked on my babysitter when I was nine!

VIVA: Whoa! Where? Titties?

Bradley: Phoenix, Arizona.

VIVA: No--what parts?

Bradley: Everything! It's not like I came.... She was my babysitter. I snacked on her. In my mom's bed. And then, whatever, I think I'm not fabricating anything here, but I think she snacked on my brother, too. And he was seven.

VIVA: So, Jed. Ever been molested by an older woman?

Jedediah: Twice. In eleventh grade. I was working at the Cinnabon.

Bradley: Ha ha! "I got molested by an older woman at the Cinnabon!"

Jedediah: It wasn't sexy at all. And the other one was a nurse I met through the personal ads.

VIVA: Wait, wait. What did her ad say? "Looking for teenage boy to molest?"

Jedediah: No, I put in the personal ad. She answered mine. I lied, said I was eighteen. "Single white male, into short shorts, bread products and good times."

VIVA: Bread products? Like Cinnabons? Can you eat Cinnabons anymore?

Jedediah: Every once in a while.

VIVA: So, why exactly does Neil Goldschmidt need our help?

Bradley: Like we've already covered, who hasn't snacked on anyone older than them?

VIVA: Or younger than them. So is this like an awareness-raising benefit?

Bradley: Well, we're hoping to make a lot of money, of course. But whatever. We hate all politicians and stuff and this is just our way of rubbing their noses in it. It's like come on! This is fucking so funny, I have to do this. The Neil Goldschmidt thing is really just the hook to piss people off. What it really is is just a back to school blow out with a lot of really cool bands. The First Annual Neil Goldschmidt Benefit.

VIVA: Annual?! Could you list, for the record, the line-up?

Bradley: The Lucky Thirteens, Space Lord, the Weaklings, Diesto, and Coco Cobra and the Killers. There's gonna be DJ's, an eighteen-and-under wet t-shirt contest, Larry Flynt is gonna be there as guest MC...

VIVA: Are you gonna advertise this appropriately? Like at schools and on KNRK and whatnot?

Bradley: Oh yeah. I'm gonna take it back to the old days when I used

to flier high schools and shit. Go out to Washington County and flier the fuck out of every high school. Six bands, five bucks!

Jedediah: And if you're under fourteen you get in for free.

Bradley: Or if you're a babysitter you get in for free.

Jedediah: Or if your name is Neil and you're over 36.

VIVA: When's the next Thirteens show after this one?

Bradley: It's up to Sten. For a while we were only doing shows on Friday the 13th, but then we missed a couple and now we haven't played in two years.

VIVA: Okay, the usual. Favorite Stones record?

Bradley: Exile On Main Street.

Jedediah: Same.

VIVA: Favorite Pretenders' song?

Bradley: "I'm the Adulteress." Ha ha!

VIVA: Best Bob Dylan album?

Bradley: Freewheelin'.

VIVA: Sexiest band of all time?

Bradley: Cramps.

Jedediah: Turbonegro.

VIVA: Sexiest singer of all time?

Bradley: Lux Interior.

Jedediah: Fred Cole.

VIVA: Favorite Portland band?

Bradley: 8 Ft. Tender.

Jedediah: Nu-Shooz.

VIVA: Would you rather go bow hunting with the Nuge or drink til ya puke with Lemmy?

Bradley: Drink til I puke with Lemmy.

Jedediah: I already did drugs with Lemmy.

VIVA: What color panties are you wearing and how long have you been wearing them?

Bradley: I've been wearing no panties for about ten years now.

Jedediah: I'm not wearing panties.

VIVA: So, Bradley, do you withdraw?

Bradley: No, no, no.

VIVA: Really? What do you rely on? God? Alcohol?

Bradley: Of course I withdraw, Viva! I've got to come on her face!

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