2004: Another Lonely Night
Cucumbers have always
been popular for dildo dipping. A Google check will
direct you to about a thousand web sites, including
sickinsertions.com, which offers up TEXAS
DILDO MASSACRE. This vid and a number of
others invade the vertical smile not only with cucumbers,
but a bounty of bananas, corn on the cob, a can
of Pepsi, a sausage, a Louisville Slugger, just
about everything except a chainsaw.
Another site, jk-porn.com,
adds every girl's favorite accessory to this genre.
In between yakking on their cell phones, the babes
in HARD CELL give the voicemail box
new meaning. All this vid lacks is the use of a
picture phone snapping away in the wet forest.
We've strayed a long
way from the cucumber already, so let's return to
FRESH PRODUCE from Thomas Rand productions.
This is mostly a girl-on-girl DVD with Crissy Moran
and Laurie Wallace lathering themselves in olive
oil and then going at it with cucumbers, carrots
and celery sticks. The best scene is the opener
which finds the dynamic duo shopping in the produce
section of a supermarket. Crissy tells Laurie she
wants to make a salad for her boyfriend. Then comes
one of those great unexpected moments that makes
porn so enriching: Crissy tells Laurie she doesn't
know how to make a salad.
Nothing I like more
than collapsing in laughter on my lonely nights
with porn. Actually, while I've never known a woman--or
a man for that matter--who did not know how
to make a salad,
I do recall one instance from my student days
at the U of O that surpasses even Crissy's dilemma.
I worked as a "houseboy" at a sorority house serving
the darlings their evening meals. Part of the
sorority package included three excellent meals
a day served in a dining room where the girls
nibbled on chicken cordon bleu and gabbed about
frat parties. Only on Saturday mornings were they
left to their own devices in the kitchen. One
day this snooty rich girl from Portland came in
the kitchen, cracked an egg in the pan, then dropped
the shell on top of the egg. I thought perhaps
this was some sort of delicacy with which I was
not familiar, then realized by the quizzical look
on her face she'd never fried an egg.
Now the egg, too,
has porn possibilities, best explored by the French
surrealist Georges Bataille in Story of the
Eye. One of the narrator's girlfriends, Simone,
likes to play a game with eggs. She cracks them
on the edge of a bidet, then makes the narrator
swallow one of the raw eggs from the bottom of
the bowl. After this breakfast, the couple sit
in the bathroom where Simone always gets excited
as the toilet flushes down the remaining eggs.
On one occasion the plumbing isn't working very
well and the half-sucked up eggs make a long,
gurgling noise on the failed journey downward.
Bataille writes: "This incident was so extraordinarily
meaningful to Simone that her body tautened and
she had a long climax." Then she "pissed noisily
on the bobbing eggs with total vigor and satisfaction."
Moving on from the
eaters and the eaten, I tossed aside Story
of the Eye and watched DOUBLE PARKED
#7 from Excalibur Films. Aria, Jasmine
Rouge, Donna-Marie and Cheyne Collins all get
sandwiched between young wood in an unrelenting
spectacle of double penetrations. I yearned for
the cucumber but for DP fans this will definitely
SOUTH OF EDEN
from Digital Playground is about a safecracker
whose girlfriend, Alexa Rae, stops him in the
midst of trying to figure out the combination
on a safe so she can give him a blow job. That's
pretty cool, but then for no particular reason
she pulls out a gun and puts a bullet in his chest.
The rest of the DVD is done in flashbacks which
apparently show her motive though I couldn't figure
it out. One good line when the safecracker asks
a naked bartender for a drink. He asks for a "whiskey
and a side of hot pussy."
Me, I'm gonna scramble
a few eggs and knock 'em down with a beer.
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