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xmag.com : September 2004: Another Lonely Night

Cucumbers have always been popular for dildo dipping. A Google check will direct you to about a thousand web sites, including sickinsertions.com, which offers up TEXAS DILDO MASSACRE. This vid and a number of others invade the vertical smile not only with cucumbers, but a bounty of bananas, corn on the cob, a can of Pepsi, a sausage, a Louisville Slugger, just about everything except a chainsaw.

Another site, jk-porn.com, adds every girl's favorite accessory to this genre. In between yakking on their cell phones, the babes in HARD CELL give the voicemail box new meaning. All this vid lacks is the use of a picture phone snapping away in the wet forest.

We've strayed a long way from the cucumber already, so let's return to FRESH PRODUCE from Thomas Rand productions. This is mostly a girl-on-girl DVD with Crissy Moran and Laurie Wallace lathering themselves in olive oil and then going at it with cucumbers, carrots and celery sticks. The best scene is the opener which finds the dynamic duo shopping in the produce section of a supermarket. Crissy tells Laurie she wants to make a salad for her boyfriend. Then comes one of those great unexpected moments that makes porn so enriching: Crissy tells Laurie she doesn't know how to make a salad.

Nothing I like more than collapsing in laughter on my lonely nights with porn. Actually, while I've never known a woman--or a man for that matter--who did not know how

to make a salad, I do recall one instance from my student days at the U of O that surpasses even Crissy's dilemma. I worked as a "houseboy" at a sorority house serving the darlings their evening meals. Part of the sorority package included three excellent meals a day served in a dining room where the girls nibbled on chicken cordon bleu and gabbed about frat parties. Only on Saturday mornings were they left to their own devices in the kitchen. One day this snooty rich girl from Portland came in the kitchen, cracked an egg in the pan, then dropped the shell on top of the egg. I thought perhaps this was some sort of delicacy with which I was not familiar, then realized by the quizzical look on her face she'd never fried an egg.

Now the egg, too, has porn possibilities, best explored by the French surrealist Georges Bataille in Story of the Eye. One of the narrator's girlfriends, Simone, likes to play a game with eggs. She cracks them on the edge of a bidet, then makes the narrator swallow one of the raw eggs from the bottom of the bowl. After this breakfast, the couple sit in the bathroom where Simone always gets excited as the toilet flushes down the remaining eggs. On one occasion the plumbing isn't working very well and the half-sucked up eggs make a long, gurgling noise on the failed journey downward. Bataille writes: "This incident was so extraordinarily meaningful to Simone that her body tautened and she had a long climax." Then she "pissed noisily on the bobbing eggs with total vigor and satisfaction."

Moving on from the eaters and the eaten, I tossed aside Story of the Eye and watched DOUBLE PARKED #7 from Excalibur Films. Aria, Jasmine Rouge, Donna-Marie and Cheyne Collins all get sandwiched between young wood in an unrelenting spectacle of double penetrations. I yearned for the cucumber but for DP fans this will definitely satisfy.

SOUTH OF EDEN from Digital Playground is about a safecracker whose girlfriend, Alexa Rae, stops him in the midst of trying to figure out the combination on a safe so she can give him a blow job. That's pretty cool, but then for no particular reason she pulls out a gun and puts a bullet in his chest. The rest of the DVD is done in flashbacks which apparently show her motive though I couldn't figure it out. One good line when the safecracker asks a naked bartender for a drink. He asks for a "whiskey and a side of hot pussy."

Me, I'm gonna scramble a few eggs and knock 'em down with a beer.





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