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xmag.com : October 2004: Republican Gash


I'm here to rain on y'alls parade. I declare without equivocation that 99% of the armchair political analysts who bitch and piss and moan about corrupt, stupid politicians are themselves WAYYYY too fucked-up to EVER acquire, much less maintain, anything resembling political power. So, really, for cunt's sake, all you career alcoholics and junkies and sex addicts and welfare cheats who get on a soapbox and cry about your leaders, I'm here to tell you that no matter how moronic those leaders may be, they do a better job at it than you could ever hope to do, and deep down in your dysfunctional aortas, you KNOW I'm right. That's the TRUTH, bitches. That's why they're in power and you're not. Sorry to break it to you, but somebody had to do it.


When big-eared idiot George W. Bush wins again--this time by a landslide--it still gives you no excuse for your shambles of a personal life.

OK? Now I feel better.

This article was initially intended to be a contemplative rumination regarding a study released a decade or so ago concluding that Republicans have sex more frequently than Democrats.

I'm not making this up. I distinctly remember reading newspaper accounts and seeing TV-news broadcasts about the study. It shocked many people at the time, because Democrats, the insufferably self-righteous pustules that they are, have convinced themselves that they are the free-lovin', liberated, loosey-goosey party and that everyone in the G.O.P. is a sexually repressed psychopath who ejaculates at the sight of innocent blood being spilled and who walks around with a large black dildo secretly stuffed up their ass.

I don't identify with either major US political party, and I'm

always bemused to see people who should have more discernment fall prey to the divide-and-conquer scheme which underlies the two-party system. No matter who you vote for, Republican or Democrat, it's going to be an insanely privileged millionaire who is paid even MORE money to decide in what manner they're going to STEAL forty percent of your wages. Republicans and Democrats are merely two puppet fists on the same predatory monster.

I'm not a Republican or a Democrat. I'm a felon who isn't allowed to vote, and I wouldn't vote even if they let me. I just enjoy fucking with people's heads and proving, more often than not, that the world is upside-down.

You don't think the world is upside-down? Consider these facts:



* More Germans died in World War II than Jews.

* Blacks commit racially motivated hate crimes more frequently than whites.

* Women commit acts of domestic assault more frequently than men.


These are all FACTS, bitches, and I can back them up with the relevant studies, while none of you will be able to prove me wrong, so don't even try. I savor these facts only because they prove that the truth is often the opposite of public perception. And it is for this reason--not because I like Republicans--that I'm inclined to believe that Republicans have sex more frequently than Democrats.

However, no amount of earnest googling was able to track down this study. So instead of the sober, frank, earnest political analysis for which I am widely renowned, I instead offer you a rundown of the hottest twats, past and present, who people the party of Honest Abe Lincoln.

Elephants have bigger dicks than donkeys. Case closed.

NAME: Condoleezza Rice
RELEVANCE: National Security Advisor under soon-to-be-reelected President George W. Bush
WHY SHE'S SEXY: She's the world's most powerful black woman this side of Oprah. She has a gap between her teeth. She has a cute button nose. She advises the president to kill people.

WHAT I'D DO TO HER: Disprove most of the stereotypes about white men except perhaps the fact that we smell like wet dogs.

NAME: Laura Bush
RELEVANCE: Faithful, loving wife of soon-to-be-reelected President George W. Bush
WHY SHE'S SEXY: Her eyes are full of fun 'n' mischief. She seems like she'd keep her cooch relatively clean. And according to a recently published book, she allegedly sold weed while in college.

WHAT I'D DO TO HER: The Dirty Sanchez while taking bong hits.

NAME: Laurie Coleman

RELEVANCE: Wife of US Senator Norm Coleman (R-Minnesota)

WHY SHE’S SEXY: Her body language bespeaks someone who enjoys having a cock shoved so far up her that sperm shoots out of her mouth. She recently caused a scandal when the Washington Post printed pictures of her seductively clad in lingerie.

WHAT I’D DO TO HER: Ram her from behind while she grunted "Yah!" with a Fargo accent.

NAME: Elizabeth Dole

RELEVANCE: Former US Transportation Secretary and one-time presidential contender. Wife of crotchety Viagra spokesman and former prez-candidate Bob Dole.

WHY SHE’S SEXY: Beautiful teeth. Nice eyebrows. Smart, assured, and powerful. Remains pretty even though she’s now, like, 80 years old. I can instinctually tell that her vagina would have a pleasant aroma.

WHAT I’D DO TO HER: Ask her for career advice while she blows me, insisting that she keep my cock in her mouth while she talks.

NAME: Betty Ford

RELEVANCE: Wife of klutzy ex-Prez Gerald Ford. Raging alcoholic who sobered up and started a clinic where stars go to sober up.

WHY SHE’S SEXY: I’m a sucker for the bouffant. Plus, I recently viewed a previously unaired Barbara Walters interview conducted while Betty was First Lady. The bitch was so snockered she could hardly stand up.

WHAT I’D DO TO HER: Get her drunk again and let nature have its way.

NAME: Marilyn Quayle

RELEVANCE: Wife of semi-retarded ex-Vice Prez Dan Quayle

WHY SHE’S SEXY: Looks like Loretta Lynn with an overbite.

WHAT I’D DO TO HER: Let her nibble on my dick like it's corn on the cob.

NAME: Debbie Brannigan

RELEVANCE: Curator of conservative website capitalistchicks.com

WHY SHE’S SEXY: Will ya look at the pair of barkin’ MacGuffey’s on her?

WHAT I’D DO TO HER: Have her ride me on top while she wears a party hat, plays the kazoo, and wears pasties on her ta-tas.

NAME: Lauren Bush

RELEVANCE: Sixteen-year-old niece of soon-to-be-reelected President George W. Bush

WHY SHE’S SEXY: Nice eyes. You can just tell she ain’t had no real dick yet.

WHAT I’D DO TO HER: Dry-fuck her ass the day she turns 18.




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