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xmag.com : November 2004 :Cadvice

Dear C.A.D.,

My boyfriend used to be a junkie, but he is clean now. The other day I found a burnt spoon and a syringe in his bathroom. I asked him about it and he said it wasn't his. When I asked him who's it was he said he thought it might be his old roommate's, but I used to date his old roommate and I highly doubt that he is a junkie now. I think either he is using again or he is cheating on me with a junkie. I don't know what to do. I just want to know the truth. Help Me!

--I Really Love Him


Dearest I.R.L.H,

First off I don't like the acronym I.R.L.H. so for the purpose of this reply I will refer to you as Stupid Cunt.

Listen up Stupid Cunt, your letter is a little far fetched. First of all everyone knows that former junkies hardly ever start using after they decide to quit. When using drugs becomes boring people do one of two things. They either overdose so that people won't think them quitters, or they quit and accept that all their friends are going to think that they are losers. For some people it is worth the scorn of their friends to avoid scrubbing their own puke out of other peoples' couches.

If your boyfriend/pimp (it's between the lines, let's be adults) says that he quit, then he quit. Your constant questions are probably what he hates most about you. Unless you have long acrylic nails with palm trees air brushed onto them in which case he probable hates everything about you equally.

As for his old roommate possibly using I would have to say that that is a very good possibility. Judging from the simpering tone of your letter, anyone who used to date you is a very good candidate for junkiedom. Just as the Vietnam war (That was a war in Vietnam that took place in the 1960's; by all accounts it was pretty awful, though some people liked it because there were a lot of whores there. You probably would have done great.) turned millions of American G.I.'s on to opiates to alleviate the horrors of war, millions of jobless deadbeats who date skanks like you turn to opiates to alleviate the horrors of dating whores. He is probably also gay now.

My guess is yes, your boyfriend and his former roommate are now junkies. I mean gay junkies, which can be a really fun thing to be. Forty percent of a gay junkie's day is spent getting his dick sucked, so don't feel bad. You did him a favor. And unlike you, the guys who suck his dick now don't scrape their teeth up and down the shaft of his dick. (Out of curiosity is there anyone in your boyfriend's circle of friends whom you haven't fucked? When your boyfriend leaves you next Friday ask yourself that question before sending me another poorly punctuated letter.)

As for whether or not your boyfriend is cheating on you, that's an easy one. Yes. He is. Guys who date skanks like you date them so that they will not feel bad about cheating on them with another skank. Just as you got drunk and fucked your boyfriend's best friend last Wednesday (don't live in denial, you know you did), he got an erection on Thursday and your best friend had an orifice that wasn't being used at the moment. How can you really be pissed off when the three of you had a three-way on Tuesday? I know it feels like a betrayal when you're not tied to a chair in the corner of the room watching with a rubber ball gag strapped over your mouth, but oh well. Your life sucks. Probably God is punishing you for turning all those guys gay.


All the best,








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