dreams are a natural bodily function that we have no control
over. This included our Lord Jesus Christ. Given the fact
that he was fully human as well as fully divine gives us
the place to say that it is conceivable that He had wet
dreams, and since He was a man without sin, wet dreams cannot
be a sin.
on soc.religion.christian, 3/1/1994
you are encamped against your enemies, keep away from everything
impure. If one of your men is unclean because of a nocturnal
emission, he is to go outside the camp and stay there. But
as evening approaches he is to wash himself, and at sunset
he may return to
major world religions, from Buddha in the east to Mohammed
in the West, from areas reaching to the majestic polar bears
in the North Pole to the humble penguins down in Antarctica,
preach that the physical plane is implicitly defiled and
corrupt. They regard our fleshly state as a fall from grace,
a tainted existence, a dirty pigpen filled with pee-pee
and ca-ca. If we lived in a state of innate purity and innocence,
and if all is natural and nothing is forbidden, there'd
be no need for religion or God or redemption. If we lived
in the Garden of Eden right now, who the fuck would need
least that's how the ancients saw it. Accordingly, world
religions tend to equate the human condition--and the sexuality
which perpetuates it--with dirt and sin and separation from
God. But more modern-minded people see nothing wrong with
being human. They believe we're born perfect. They believe
we live in heaven right now, which, if it's true, is a BIG
some people try to have it both ways. They vainly attempt
to reconcile modern sexuality with ancient sex-hating spirituality.
Such latter-day menses-crazed mulligatawny-soup-scented
hippie attempts to cram square pegs into round holes are
doomed from the get-go.
sex-positive Christianity is a contradiction in terms. Nothing
Christians hate more than some sex. Put on that fig leaf
and forget about it. So if Jesus was a sexual being, as
the New Age Earth Mommas insist he was, he couldn't have
possibly been the son of God as 99% of Christians define
it. And if he was the son of God, ambassador of a spiritual
realm forever elevated above carnal stickiness, it would
have been a mite undignified if he was runnin' around waxin'
ass and jackin' off.
Jesus was human," they'll remind us. Well, not exactly.
Regardless of denomination, Christians agree that Jesus
never sinned. But they'll also claim that being a sinner
is a crucial part of being human. It's an inherent contradiction
of the messiah myth. Christians can never fully explain
exactly HOW human Jesus really was. And while we're at it,
why would God need to
human in order to understand what it's like? He CREATED
humans, so we assume the old senile bastard wrote the Owner's
Manual. It gets complicated. After a while, it's like asking
questions about Santa Claus--none of it makes sense.
not a Christian. I don't expect any of it to make
sense. I believe that one should only feel guilty about
sex when it's done poorly. Personally, I don't believe Jesus
was divine. I don't think he had God's cell-phone number
handy or anything like that. I think he was probably a bravely
masochistic human being with all sorts of twisted sexual
proclivities. C'mon--running around with twelve other guys
at age thirty-three?
for the sake of fun, let's pretend that Jesus was indeed
who he said he was. Since he had a body, we can assume that
he pooped and peed and farted and slept and ate. These are
all things that humans do. But world religions never equate
spiritual guilt with any of these functions--only with sex.
So sexual energy must be something a little different. Sex
is forever entwined with the idea of creation--several ancient
religions portray the Big Bang as some sort of divine ejaculation.
But interestingly, they depict the event as an act of will,
with God either masturbating or intentionally impregnating
someone. It's never accidental.
wet dreams accidental? Is there a difference between a "nocturnal
emission," which sounds like an involuntary physical act,
and a "wet dream," which implies that one's consciousness
actively creates a pornographic scenario?
that Jesus was God...and that willfully having sex is part
of the sinful human condition...wet dreams would HAVE to
be accidental in order for Jesus to have had them. Follow
Jesus ever ejaculated, one cannot help but wonder about
the sperm. Was it, too, divine? When it dried up, were millions
of tiny deities killed? Did Jesus shoot an average-sized
load or a gargantuan Divinity Wad? And dare one wonder about
the size, tex
taste...of his genitals?
Gospels never allude to Christ as a sexual being. But God
DID send a son, not a daughter, so we assume that at the
very least, Jesus had a penis. Jesus had a beard, so it
must be assumed that he had pubic hair and probably even
frequent morning erections. We know that he could suffer...but
could he feel pleasure? Sexual pleasure? What sort
of chicks might Jesus go for? After a sweaty day of carpentry
and eyeballing Israeli maidens, was he tortured by dreams
of their carnal allure?
that the Old Testament clearly forbids the wasting of one's
seed (in Genesis 38, God slew Onan for spilling his jizz
on the ground), we can rule out that Jesus masturbated.
it all hinges on whether or not Jesus had wet dreams. I'm
sure the apostles were having them. They were having wet
dreams left and right. The apostles were a buncha squirt
quote from Deuteronomy gives us the answer, my brothers
and sisters. Israeli soldiers who had nocturnal emissions
were regarded as "unclean" and thus tainted by sin. And
sin is always a choice, never an involuntary spasm. So the
God of the Bible regards a nocturnal emission as the willful
act of a sinner.
at least within a biblical framework, there's no possible
way that Jesus had wet dreams.
JEWISH MYTHOLOGY, Lilith was Adam's first wife, but
she was a little too butch for him and split for the Red
Sea when Adam insisted on the missionary position. She whittled
away the hours having group sex with demons, whom she claimed
were better in the sack than Adam. By the Middle Ages, her
legend as a semi-divine nympho was such that Hebrew men
began blaming her for causing their nocturnal emissions.
They believed that Lilith or her daughters would visit at
night and squat atop their unsuspecting cocks. It was also
said that if a male infant laughed in his sleep, Lilith
was trying to fondle him. Christians altered the Lilith
story into the legend of the succubi, ethereal sex kittens
who drained believers' balls as they slept. To ward off
their charms, monks would sleep with their hands over their
crotch, clutching a crucifix. Christian females could blame
their sexual dreams on an incubus, the male counterpart
to a succubus; in a pinch, they could also blame the incubus
for an unwanted pregnancy.
course, nobody blamed themselves for these erotic
dreams, nor for the fluids left in their wake.
WIZARDS OF MODERN MEDICINE aren't sure what causes wet
dreams. As soon as one theory gains credence, some new study
will come along to knock everything askew again. Pragmatic
explanations for wet dreams have focused on the purely
pointing a finger at everything from full bladders to excess
testosterone. Others blame an accumulation of sexual tension
which has found no release through ordinary outlets. It
has been speculated that nocturnal emissions are the body's
way of flushing out sperm that has aged well past its vintage,
but this doesn't account for the fact that some sexually
inactive men never have wet dreams, while some sleeping
studs squirt all over the duck-down comforter two nights
in a row even when enjoying lots of pooty-tang in their
is known is that both men and women are capable of
reaching orgasm while asleep, although it's much harder
to spot the evidence with females. But the fact that women
can also cum while sleeping would cast doubt on the idea
that nocturnal emissions are caused
primarily by friction--an involuntary rubbing of the penis
on bedsheets, a mattress, or one's pajamas. It's difficult
for a woman to accidentally rub her clit against
orgasms occur during the REM phase of sleep, during which
most healthy men achieve at least a partial erection and
most women lubricate vaginally. But what remains blurry
is the role of dreaming...i.e., the role of human consciousness
and willfulness...in taking physiological arousal to the
level of orgasmic release. If there's a required element
of fantasy, then wet dreams are no accident. They are the
physical result of human beings creating pornography in
their minds while sleeping.
one can choose to have a wet dream, it would stand to reason
that you could will to not have one, too. For me,
the proof is in the pudding...or, rather, the lack thereof.
readers, I was a hardcore Christian for nearly two years
from the age of 15 to 17. Those mid-teen years are supposedly
the prime of one's nocturnal emitting. Before becoming Christian,
I spurted out a cream-container's worth of early teen REM-jism.
Rarely a day went by that I didn't wake up with Alfredo
sauce all over my drawers. But after giving my heart to
the imaginary Jesus hologram in my head, I didn't have a
single wet dream. Not once for two years did my body feel
the need to involuntary flush aging sperm from my sanctified
nuts. So I must conclude that willfulness is a part of all
sexual thought, whether waking or asleep. If you dream that
you're sucking your dad's cock, it isn't "just a dream"--you
really wanna huff papa's bone.
if you wake up one morning with applesauce all over your
boxer briefs, don't listen to the pop psychologists who
say you shouldn't feel guilty. It wasn't an accident--your
dirty mind caused it.