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xmag.com : January 2005: Another Lonely Night

With the New Year upon us it's time for Flagstone to look back, reflect on his pathetic existence as a filthy film reviewer, and announce his choice for the three best films of 2004. For top honors this year it wasn't even close, but then how close could it be considering someone had the balls to make an epic porn vid about Jesus? Hollywood sailed high in the adult realm last year, as high as you can go, really, Jesus porn rising off the cross.

Mel Gibson's THE PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST assaults your senses for two long hours, an unrelenting spectacle of gore, a Christian slasher epic. Mel knows how to cut to the chase. None of that born of the Virgin Mary voodoo, forget all the devoted son of Joseph the carpenter goo, dump young Jesus walking among the lambs with his little band of disciples merrily spreading the word, don't waste the audience's time & dime with studly J ousting the usurious money-changers in the temple. No, Mel does it right. Grind away on the last 12 hours of Jesus' life.

James Caviezel plays Jesus. Through most of the film his half-naked hard bod is clad in a loin cloth, sending off homoerotic vibes. This quivering Messiah will appeal to both girls and boys. Jesus is whipped and flayed, mashed and whacked, writhing and screaming. Just as porn tosses off one fuckfest after another, so too THE PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST wallows in a series of excruciating bloody agonies and nothing else. Just as porn shows every orifice being plundered so we do not need to use our imaginations, this film makes sure the evisceration of Christ allows that we don't have to feel his pain because it's so off the charts. That's not what Mel intended because he didn't realize the final result would round the bend and turn into porn. Which is, of course, how some of the finest porn slips out.

Mel is superb on the small details. A whip encrusted with barbed glass repeatedly rips into Jesus' flesh; his skin gets torn off and flies through the air. The Roman guards laugh and growl as they scourge him, occasionally flicking pieces of skin

off their forearms.

The crucifixion itself splendidly assaults our eyes, a money shot that will endure until the Rapture is upon us. The camera lovingly lingers over the big fuckin' nails driving into Jesus' hands. Each time the hammer comes down Jesus twitches like a spastic.

Gibson is a total fraud. At least the frauds in porn land are not Jew-baiting, gay-hating, treacherous thugs. "A sacred snuff film," says The New Republic. Exactly.

Coming in a distant second is SECRETS OF THE HOLLYWOOD MADAM, the story of Heidi Fleiss, the infamous procuress whose black book was filled with the names of Tinseltown's stars, producers and high rollers. Heidi got busted in 1993 and did 21 months in the slammer on tax evasion charges.

Produced by Phoenix Releasing (phoenixreleasing.com), the film is aptly described by the company's PR man as a "hardcore documentary." The DVD features Heidi as a hostess gabbing about the ins and outs of her escort service. Using quick MTV-style cutaways, Heidi talks for a minute or two followed by long sex scenes. Thus she's on screen for about 10 or 15 minutes in this two-hour escapade. And this is only the first installment of an eight-part series that will be released over the next two years.

In an AVN interview last year Heidi said she was pleased with the DVD but thought the director filmed her "way too tight, like if you put a magnifying glass so close to your skin it looks like you're on Mars." Over the years many porn companies have approached her with deals. "For me to come around to porn is to come full circle," she said. I suppose, but the porn/strip/escort biz strikes me more as the circle remaining unbroken. Still, ya gotta give Heidi credit for hanging in there.

Roaring in at third place is GAG FACTOR 15, a splendid spoof on the Iraqi prison scandal at Abu Ghraib. In a room packed with guys wearing black headscarves and screaming in Arabic, or at least gibberish intended to sound like Arabic, a translator says: "You Western devils, we will do to your women what you have done to our men. You degraded our people and now we will degrade yours. Semen will flow from your pores and you will know the wrath of the Arab world."

The gang of Islamic fascists, no doubt in need of 71 virgins, proceed to shove their horny Koran cocks down Ashley Blue's throat. Ashley's on her knees decked out in an olive green T-shirt, a desert hat and dog tags. In the middle of her gagging she does manage to scream out the words of Private Lynne England and others who were rounded up in the prison sex scandal: "I was only following orders."

Hey, maybe if Private England doesn't end up doing too much time in a military prison she could jump into porn. She's already got a start, having made a few vids with her Army boyfriend in the Abu Ghraib prison.

Happy New Porn Year.







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