Dear Mr. DeLillo,

I recently came upon your column while cleaning out my husband's car. A client had left a copy of a pornographic magazine in which you are syndicated in the back seat under a bunch of dirty t-shirts. Your photo reminded me for a moment of my father and that is what caught my eye. Before I knew what had happened I had read your horrifying advice and I was down on my knees praying for your soul. I think that only by praying to the Lord can you save yourself from eternal damnation. My husband disagrees, he thinks that even if you prayed nonstop from now until the hour of your death you would still be kindling for the fiery furnaces of hell. We argued about it for some time and I finally gave up because I did not want to upset our six little girls. Perhaps my husband is right. The Bible says, "A man who lies with a male as with a woman, both have committed abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." (Lev, 20:13) I begged my husband to fall upon his knees and pray with me for your soul. Lucky for you the Lord our God is more forgiving than my husband.

Praying for your soul's salvation,

Scandalized Conservative Apostolic Notifying Christian

Dear SCANC,

First of all, don't ever pray for my soul again. I have sinned very hard to ensure a place for myself in hell in order to avoid being bored for all eternity by evangelical Christians in heaven. I swear to your God that if I hear that you have prayed for me after this warning I will be forced to kill and eat your six bible-thumping sluts-in-training to ensure my reservation in the netherworld. I would be doing you a favor. You would get to forever remember them as the little malnourished anemic greasy-haired self-righteous glassy-eyed mouth-breathing air suckers they are now and be spared seeing them grow up to be the fat malnourished anemic greasy-haired self-righteous glassy-eyed mouth-breathing cocksucking sluts that ninety-five percent of all girls from fundamentalist Christian backgrounds become.

Lucky for me your prayers mean nothing to God since you are your husband's property and God does not consider you human. As Exodus (20:17) says, "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or.... his ox or donkey, nor anything that is thy neighbor's." That's right SCANC, in God's eyes you're right up there with a donkey. Do you have a donkey? Maybe if the donkey and you pray together the combined power of your prayers might equal that of a dog's. The Lord ought to smite you for even forming an opinion on my column, which I feel safe in assuming God is an avid reader of. Since He sees all, I am left with little evidence to the contrary. Since He has not yet smote me I can only assume He more or less agrees with all the advice I give. I think it's safe to say that I am one of God's agents on Earth, while he considers you to be nothing but a house-cleaning, meal-making, fetus-incubating jizz receptacle. Why do I, a sinning cum guzzler, have God's ear, while your heartfelt prayers sound to Him like to the braying of a mule? As you have no doubt said a million times, "God works in mysterious ways."

Despite our close association, there are a lot of things that God and I disagree on. For instance I simply can't stomach treating women as property, as he commands me to do. It goes against what it is to be a freedom-loving American. Being an American is my first priority in life because being an American means that I am free to kill, free to colonize, and free to spread my values to colored people around the globe. A lot of people in the world inexplicably hate those freedoms and so we must bomb them till they understand that without our brand of enduring freedom, they would be left to the whims of a dictator who is likely to be appointed by his father's cronies instead of elected in a fair election, or "elected" in an election fraught with voting irregularities which disenfranchise minority demographics.

Sometimes enduring freedom is really hard and almost unendurable. That, SCANC, is something I'm sure you and I can both agree on. Everyone deserves a government that represents all its citizens. God thinks you are no better than a donkey, but I think you're a hypocritical evangelical bitch, and as such deserve a say in our government, just like everyone else who chooses to live in denial and believe that their Christian husband has a client who leaves pornographic magazines in other people's cars under a pile of cum-soaked t-shirts.

All The Best,

Cesar Augustus Delillo, Agent of the Lord

Write: cadvice@mail.com