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"Can we, as a country, all agree

xmag.com : February 2005 : By Viva Las Vegas


Here at Exotic, we're not really in the habit of reviewing books. In fact, we're not in the habit of reading books, or reading at all! We'd rather look at the pictures. But something about HOW TO SPOT A BASTARD BY HIS STAR SIGN, by Adele Lang and Susi Rajah, just screamed to be read, reviewed, and then purchased for every man, woman and child we know. HOW TO SPOT A BASTARD has won an Academy Award, a Grammy, two Golden Globes and the Nobel Prize for best book ever written. Here's why!

Say you just broke up with not one but THREE Arieses, as strippers are wont to do. Pour yourself a glass of wine or Drano and turn to page three (no boring ass introductions here!) and look under the heading We're-Hot-So-Shut-Up-and Worship-Us FIRE SIGNS, which begins thusly: "Out-of-control control freaks. Untalented show-offs. Ignorant know-it-alls. And that's their good points..." On the following page, the girls go right for the Aries Bastard's jugular:


"Once upon a time, in the Dark ages, there was this quaint little term known as a man's man. Nobody knew quite what it meant. Except the poor unfortunate thing who was the man's man's woman--and she died a horrible death when she willfully stuck her head in the oven unto which she was chained."


Brilliant! What insight! What empathy! What WRITING! The next Bastard under Lang and Rajah's microscope is the Leo Bastard. Instead of a profile of Leo, they instead reprint (because he forced them to) a play written by Leo, produced by Leo, directed by Leo and, of course, starring Leo.

I personally seem to stick with Fire Sign Bastards, but I've been thinking about settling down, maybe with one of those Hi-We're-the-Most-Boring Men-On EARTH SIGNS, like, say, TAURUS. Well, Adele and Susi again know exactly where I'm at.


"You're weaning yourself off the lithium and you're in the process of finding a new job, savings account, and country to live in. In other words, you're in the delicate process of recovering from a horrendous relationship with a total bastard (Aries, Scorpio, and Pisces spring to mind here, for no apparent reason)."


How do they do it? Have they dated every bastard on earth? Judging by their especially incisive read on the Aquarius Bastard, they've dated a lot of those. They've

obviously also dated my last boyfriend, the Gemini Bastard ("the village idiot"). I realized this upon reading the final section of BASTARD, wherein there are twelve multiple-choice tests for you to discern which bastard you are most compatible with.


When I read I like to:

a. sit down

b. read a book review and then pretend I read the book

c. color in the pictures

d. Lick the pages to check for traps set by mischievous elves


They obviously also dated my lying sack-of-shit Aries ex-boyfriend, who obviously even lied to me about his star sign... He was a Pisces Bastard!


Love is:

a. a lie

b. a series of lies

c. never having to say you're sorry, no matter who you just slept with

d. none of the above


In honor of St. (SATAN!) Valentine's (SATAN!) Day (SATAN!), on the following page is a not-to-do list you can cuddle up with on your couch. Alone. With your cat.






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