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"Can we, as a country, all
agree
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xmag.com
: February 2005 : By Jim
Goad
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Sexual
dysfunctions are distinguished from
the broader category of "sexual disorders"
in that dysfunctions are manifested
physically. Whether the root
cause is physical or mental, a dysfunction
somehow physically impedes the satisfactory
completion of the sex act and is therefore
pretty fuckin' funny. Although the inability
to achieve orgasm without having a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle defecate on your
face is likewise funny, such a syndrome
is fundamentally psychological rather
than physical, especially if the pervert
in question has no problem blowing his
load after the turtle poops on him.
The
syndromes we'll be laughing at here
involve a crippling of the sexual equipment--in
all cases except one, the penis.
In every instance, what's so goddamned
funny is that the
victim wishes to achieve the
cleansing release of a whopping-good
orgasm, but their body prevents
them from doing so. With dysfunctions
such as vaginismus and premature ejaculation,
the physical problem is rooted in mental
conflicts and thus has some hope of
resolving itself. With others, tragically--well,
tragically for the sufferers, yet
hilariously for the rest of us--the
problem is with the flesh itself and
frequently offers a dim prognosis for
the victim, his family members, and
anyone who's ever called him a friend
or lover. Funny shit!
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 DESCRIPTION:
A
prolonged,searingly painful erection
lasting anywhere from four hours up
to a few weeks. The condition
is named after Greek fertility god Priapus,
whose never-waning boner was said to
be so huge that he could only have sex
while standing in an open field.
CAUSES:
Sometimes
caused by high blood flow to the penis;
ironically, in other cases, it's due
to low penile blood flow. It
can also result from complications due
to sickle-cell anemia or the use of
certain anti-psychotic medications.
TREATMENT:
In
early stages of priapism, decongestant
medications can often induce the bone-bone
to subside. But once the condition has
advanced, blood must be drained through
a needle jabbed into the man-shaft.
Even then, some of the penile tissue
may already be dead. Blood trapped in
the penis rapidly grows stagnant, and
if left untreated, penile amputation
may be necessary.
WHY
IT'S FUNNY:
It's
an erection, but it isn't pleasurable!
It's painful!
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 DESCRIPTION:
At the moment of orgasm, semen backfires
up into the kidneys instead of shooting
out the penis. The cum eventually dribbles
out in cloudy urine.
CAUSES:
Sometimes
caused by medication. In other cases,
it's due to conditions ranging from
diabetes to prostate or urethral surgery.
TREATMENT:
If
caused by medication, the condition
will typically subside once use of the
medication is discontinued. If due to
surgery, well, fella, you'll be squirting
joy juice up into your kidneys 'til
you die.
WHY
IT'S FUNNY: As
with "vaginismus," "retrograde ejaculation"
would make a great name for a pseudo-intellectual
death-metal band.
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 DESCRIPTION:
An
involuntary contraction of the vaginal
muscles which prevents entry for all
foreign objects. Sensing an intruder,
the female organ clenches itself so
tightly that not even a pencil can nuzzle
its way inside. The condition is thought
to afflict anywhere from two to six
percent of females.
Daddy
or an uncle raped her. Probably her
uncle. Equating all penetration with
the trauma of blunt-force sexual assault,
the vagina shuts down like the door
to the Batcave.
A
lot of teddy bears, soft words, and
the gentle, gradual insertion of plastic
dilators escalating in size.
I
enjoy the idea of a pouting vagina that
puckers its lips and says, "NO!"
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 DESCRIPTION:
Boy
gets nervous. Boy shoots his goo way
too early. Boy is ashamed. Girl is dissatisfied.
Girl tells everyone that boy is a lousy
lay. Boy is ridiculed and ostracized
by townfolk. Boy moves to a trailer
in a wooded area on the outskirts of
town, where he eventually kills himself
in a grisly satanic ritual involving
innocent livestock.
CAUSES:
Almost
entirely psychological. In many cases,
it's only a matter of youth and inexperience.
In several others, it may be caused
by performance anxiety when a partner
is new and their genitals are unfamiliar.
In yet others, it's linked to a complex
of psychosexual traumas which would
take years to uncover, providing fodder
for dozens of additional jokes.
TREATMENT:
A
girl needs to gently counsel her lover
when he is besieged by the hamsterlike
urge to squirt his measly Love Drops
within moments of viewing her naked
form. She needs to reassure him that
he is not an inadequate, despicable,
laughable shell of a man who often causes
her to have masturbatory fantasies about
his best friend.
WHY
IT'S FUNNY: Because
whenever someone is told of an incident
of premature ejaculation, they laugh.
Always.
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 DESCRIPTION:
A
severe curvature of the penis which
renders intercourse extremely painful
or impossible. Among some specimens,
the penis is drastically shortened.
In rare cases, the penis twists so much
that its underside faces upward.
CAUSES:
Often
strikes middle-aged men when calcium
deposits or scars form on the highly
elastic "tunica albuginea" membrane
inside the penis. The hard lumps act
as obstacles, forcing the penis to curve
around them while filling with blood,
resulting in the banana-or-worse degree
of curvature that characterizes this
affliction.
TREATMENT:
Although
once stricken with Peyronie's, you are
unlikely to ever render your manhood
straight as an arrow again, injections
of calcium-channel blockers directly
into the penis have shown some promise
in softening the penile plaque which
causes this heartbreaking--yet sidesplittingly
enjoyable, at least from the sidelines--dysfunction.
WHY
IT'S FUNNY: Look
at ol' banana-dick over there! His
junk is all curvy like a piece of
macaroni!
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 DESCRIPTION:
Inside
the penis, the spongy blood bags which
engorge during arousal and give the
appearance of "hardness" become ruptured,
almost always during vigorous sex. A
"popping" sound is often heard, immediately
accompanied by loss of erection and
howling pain. The penis becomes swollen,
deformed, and is sometimes said to resemble
an eggplant.
CAUSES:
Happens
most frequently during the woman-on-top
position when the penis accidentally
slips out and bends forcefully against
some other hard object. This is another
good reason for never allowing a woman
to be on top.
TREATMENT:
Intensive
surgery, although it's not always successful
in restoring proper sexual and urinary
functions.
WHY
IT'S FUNNY: Hey,
look, everybody! This is even funnier
than the guy whose penis was curved
like a boomerang! This guy's penis
is broken! Wah-ha-ha-ha! Dude's
motor won't crank! And there's no
way to fix it! Must suck to be him!
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