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"Can we, as a country, all agree

xmag.com : February 2005 : By Jim Goad

Sexual dysfunctions are distinguished from the broader category of "sexual disorders" in that dysfunctions are manifested physically. Whether the root cause is physical or mental, a dysfunction somehow physically impedes the satisfactory completion of the sex act and is therefore pretty fuckin' funny. Although the inability to achieve orgasm without having a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle defecate on your face is likewise funny, such a syndrome is fundamentally psychological rather than physical, especially if the pervert in question has no problem blowing his load after the turtle poops on him. The syndromes we'll be laughing at here involve a crippling of the sexual equipment--in all cases except one, the penis.
In every instance, what's so goddamned funny is that the
victim wishes to achieve the cleansing release of a whopping-good orgasm, but their body prevents them from doing so. With dysfunctions such as vaginismus and premature ejaculation, the physical problem is rooted in mental conflicts and thus has some hope of resolving itself. With others, tragically--well, tragically for the sufferers, yet hilariously for the rest of us--the problem is with the flesh itself and frequently offers a dim prognosis for the victim, his family members, and anyone who's ever called him a friend or lover. Funny shit!


A prolonged,searingly painful erection lasting anywhere from four hours up to a few weeks. The condition is named after Greek fertility god Priapus, whose never-waning boner was said to be so huge that he could only have sex while standing in an open field.



Sometimes caused by high blood flow to the penis; ironically, in other cases, it's due to low penile blood flow. It can also result from complications due to sickle-cell anemia or the use of certain anti-psychotic medications.



In early stages of priapism, decongestant
medications can often induce the bone-bone to subside. But once the condition has advanced, blood must be drained through a needle jabbed into the man-shaft. Even then, some of the penile tissue may already be dead. Blood trapped in the penis rapidly grows stagnant, and if left untreated, penile amputation may be necessary.



It's an erection, but it isn't pleasurable! It's painful!

DESCRIPTION: At the moment of orgasm, semen backfires up into the kidneys instead of shooting out the penis. The cum eventually dribbles out in cloudy urine.


CAUSES: Sometimes caused by medication. In other cases, it's due to conditions ranging from diabetes to prostate or urethral surgery.


TREATMENT: If caused by medication, the condition will typically subside once use of the medication is discontinued. If due to surgery, well, fella, you'll be squirting joy juice up into your kidneys 'til you die.


WHY IT'S FUNNY: As with "vaginismus," "retrograde ejaculation" would make a great name for a pseudo-intellectual death-metal band.


An involuntary contraction of the vaginal muscles which prevents entry for all foreign objects. Sensing an intruder, the female organ clenches itself so tightly that not even a pencil can nuzzle its way inside. The condition is thought to afflict anywhere from two to six percent of females.



Daddy or an uncle raped her. Probably her uncle. Equating all penetration with the trauma of blunt-force sexual assault, the vagina shuts down like the door to the Batcave.



A lot of teddy bears, soft words, and the gentle, gradual insertion of plastic dilators escalating in size.



I enjoy the idea of a pouting vagina that puckers its lips and says, "NO!"

DESCRIPTION: Boy gets nervous. Boy shoots his goo way too early. Boy is ashamed. Girl is dissatisfied. Girl tells everyone that boy is a lousy lay. Boy is ridiculed and ostracized by townfolk. Boy moves to a trailer in a wooded area on the outskirts of town, where he eventually kills himself in a grisly satanic ritual involving innocent livestock.


CAUSES: Almost entirely psychological. In many cases, it's only a matter of youth and inexperience. In several others, it may be caused by performance anxiety when a partner is new and their genitals are unfamiliar. In yet others, it's linked to a complex of psychosexual traumas which would take years to uncover, providing fodder for dozens of additional jokes.


TREATMENT: A girl needs to gently counsel her lover when he is besieged by the hamsterlike urge to squirt his measly Love Drops within moments of viewing her naked form. She needs to reassure him that he is not an inadequate, despicable, laughable shell of a man who often causes her to have masturbatory fantasies about his best friend.


WHY IT'S FUNNY: Because whenever someone is told of an incident of premature ejaculation, they laugh. Always.

DESCRIPTION: A severe curvature of the penis which renders intercourse extremely painful or impossible. Among some specimens, the penis is drastically shortened. In rare cases, the penis twists so much that its underside faces upward.


CAUSES: Often strikes middle-aged men when calcium deposits or scars form on the highly elastic "tunica albuginea" membrane inside the penis. The hard lumps act as obstacles, forcing the penis to curve around them while filling with blood, resulting in the banana-or-worse degree of curvature that characterizes this affliction.


TREATMENT: Although once stricken with Peyronie's, you are unlikely to ever render your manhood straight as an arrow again, injections of calcium-channel blockers directly into the penis have shown some promise in softening the penile plaque which causes this heartbreaking--yet sidesplittingly enjoyable, at least from the sidelines--dysfunction.

WHY IT'S FUNNY: Look at ol' banana-dick over there! His junk is all curvy like a piece of macaroni!

DESCRIPTION: Inside the penis, the spongy blood bags which engorge during arousal and give the appearance of "hardness" become ruptured, almost always during vigorous sex. A "popping" sound is often heard, immediately accompanied by loss of erection and howling pain. The penis becomes swollen, deformed, and is sometimes said to resemble an eggplant.


CAUSES: Happens most frequently during the woman-on-top position when the penis accidentally slips out and bends forcefully against some other hard object. This is another good reason for never allowing a woman to be on top.



Intensive surgery, although it's not always successful in restoring proper sexual and urinary functions.

WHY IT'S FUNNY: Hey, look, everybody! This is even funnier than the guy whose penis was curved like a boomerang! This guy's penis is broken! Wah-ha-ha-ha! Dude's motor won't crank! And there's no way to fix it! Must suck to be him!






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