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xmag.com : February 2005: Another Lonely Night

The hot new ABC show Desperate Housewives hit the right nerve in America's suburban psyche. We all like to peep through the keyhole and check out the dirty little secrets of those seemingly contented women beeping the garage door open for their SUV's. One of the housewives, Gabrielle, though married to a wealthy businessman, is banging their 17-year-old gardener on the side. In one episode she calls him on her cell phone and asks him where he is. "Algebra," he replies. That's gotta be the funniest line on TV this year.

Adam & Eve picked up on the lawnboy theme with CAMERA CLUB. But while network TV can get away with a desperate housewife committing statutory rape with a math whiz, the gardener in CAMERA CLUB is way more than barely legal.

CC's housewife, Violet Blue, invites the gardener into the living room and gives him a dick massage with her cute feet. After the gardener leaves, Violet Blue's husband blasts in the door after a hard day at the office. The dutiful wife proceeds to do her hubby who in turn blasts her in the ass.

Later Violet hosts a dinner party for her friends but gets upset that her husband bandies about the details of their sex life with the guests. Violet faints, which strikes me as possibly melodramatic since she has been fucking the gardener when hubby's at work. When she comes to, her houseful of guests are all busy fucking and sucking with abandon. So Violet joins in, going down on one of her girlfriends. These housewives are not so desperate after all.

Adam & Eve unloaded a huge box of DVD's on me, so I'll hang with them on my lonely night--alone as always with porn and dreams of what might have been. In SNOW JOB Carmen Luvana, a blonde wonder who's hot enough to burn the sun, plays a snowbunny grieving over some rich dude who died. Carmen and a bunch of her girlfriends retreat to a wintry mountain cabin to hear the reading of the will (kind of a weird place to dole out an estate). A series of flashbacks has Carmen's delirious lips drawing out the sugar in her sugardaddy's cock before he dies in a car wreck. Brittney Skye proceeds to add a conventional twist to this rather thin plot when she is told the dead dude left her nothing in the will. The situation is resolved when Brittney's husband plunges a pocket rocket in her pussy. Now there's a dildo with a payoff.

HONG KONG GOOEY is a two-hour Asian fuckfest. There are about a dozen scenes with some of the cutest chop suey in the porn biz, including Mia Smiles, Miko Lee, Kaylina Lei, China Moon, Lilly Thai and Asia Carrena. It's an awesome box of take-out that goes great with some pork fried rice.

For goo splashing fans, BLOW JOB MANIA is a patched-together compilation tape that's got to have something in it for ever viewer, considering it's four hours long.

Carmen Luvana returns again in RACER X, infiltrating an East L.A. street gang that's into street racing and a variety of crime. Some cool cars in this DVD, along with Carmen getting banged on the hood of a trunk.

In the all-girl category, EXTREME BEHAVIOR 5 continues the car theme with a group of girls who work in a garage. The muff mechanics get a lot more lube out of each other than any of the cars in for repair. After a while they get tired of working on crank cases and take up streetwalking. It seems when a girl works on a car it's a straight line into prostitution, though I can't really figure out the connection. In any case they end up in a cat fight to see who gets to work the highest paying corner.

I'd go outside and check out that corner myself, but why bother when you can stay in and watch porn?






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