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xmag.com : March 2005 : Carnal Knowledge



A year goes by quickly these days. I took a year off from writing this column, but since we’ve finally decided to go all glossy and color, I figure it’s time to start writing it again. It’s so nice to see your words (no matter how boring) on shiny paper.

Which brings me to my next subject: Something that isn’t boring... At least not to me.
In a city this size, with as many strippers and musicians, and strippers who are also musicians, and musicians who are also strippers or date strippers... Why in the heck isn’t there a band with all strippers that play some good, loud rock-n-roll and strip at the same time? A gimmick, yes, but a good one. It’s a great hook.
There are a few local bands that come close.
Off hand, Coco Cobra & The Killers is probably the closest I’ve seen. Our favorite stripper Viva Las Vegas is a force to be dealt with. She’s cute and nasty and she teases and flashes provocatively on stage as she screams into the mic. But Viva is the only stripper in the band. The rest are guys.
There’s Storm & The Balls—though Storm isn’t technically a stripper—she’s gorgeous and funny with an amazing voice and sometimes gets nearly naked. But c’mon man, what’s with the dudes?
Think about Josie & The Pussycats stripping while playing Motörhead songs. Now fuck that’s hot.
Loud rock-n-roll, beautiful girls, sex, torn thigh-highs and heels, stripping, nudity, sexy vulgar lyrics, whiskey, danger, magazine covers, music videos, sweaty onstage girl-on-girl action... What more could you ask for? It’s a natural promotional juggernaut.
Of course they’d have to all get along. Which is a potential problem with strippers and musicians and rock-n-roll.
But I promise any strippers that put a band like this together will make lots of money. Hell, I’ll give them any money I have. I will do everything I can for them. Promote them, book them, manage them, finance them, sleep with them, drive them around the country, whatever it takes... I will make them stars. Well, maybe not manage them.

So come on all you talented little tramps (and I mean that in only the most affectionate way). Get together, learn how to play some music, come up with some lyrics and start practicing. Then when you’re ready to rock, let me know about it. Maybe you can start a trend, a new musical genre. The world could use some hot stripper bands. I know I could.
And by the way, I love all the dudes in The Balls.







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